Scottish hockey players are clearly terrorists

The United States government is of course always vigilant about maintaining the safety of its citizens. I mean I can't even tell you how many times hearing "the current threat level is Orange" has saved my ass. Too many to count. But sometimes even I think we're taking things a bit too far.

Case in point. A teenage Scottish ice hockey star has been blocked from coming to the states after American officials claimed he wasn't Scottish enough. Tristan Harper, 19, had been offered a spot with the Alpena IceDiggers in Michigan of the NAHL. But American Embassy staff in London refuse to grant a visa to him because he is "unable to show strong and binding ties to the United Kingdom."

Ok, let's see why he doesn't have binding ties to the UK.

Tristan was born in Scotland to Scottish parents. He has a UK driving license and National Insurance number, went to school in Dundee, Scotland and owns a flat in the city.

Well he clearly isn't Scottish enough if you ask me. He has no bagpipe.

And despite all this, the kid has already played a season with another US team. In 2006 he played for the St. Louis Bandits of the NAHL where he was spotted by the IceDiggers.

Apparently what's keeping him from being eligible to get into the US is that he hasn't been in the UK for the past three years. At 15 he won an ice hockey scholarship in the US, then trained at the prestigious Banff Ice Hockey Academy in Canada and then played for a Dutch team before his 2006 tour of duty in the states.

And that makes him an illegal immigrant and a threat under US regulations.

While his family is of course appealing the decision, it could have been worse. He could have found himself in a black site prison in central Europe.

Good to see my tax dollars at work. I feel safer already.

-WCK

The FCC has had enough of your shit

I'm not sure how many of you know this, but you can actually swear on live television if it's considered a "fleeting expletive" and not get fined. Lord knows announcing live isn't easy and it's possible for even the best people to accidentely drop a "shit" here or a "double penetration" there. I'm not sure Bert Blyleven's live double F-bomb drop from a year ago would count as fleeting, but you get the point. And this kind of thing happens a lot more than you'd think.

Well, the government has decided to step in and end the fun. For a while the FCC has been trying to get the right to fine broadcasters that accidentely swear. Standing in their way was a New York federal appeals court that found the commission's policy on fineable "fleeting expletives" to be arbitrary and capricious. So just make that swear look like an accident my friends and you're in the clear. But last week in Washington the U.S. Senate Commerce Committee took an active step to negate the appeals court ruling when they passed a bill that would allow the FCC to fine broadcasters for slip of the tongue expletives. And the House is now on board as well.

What a shame. Half the reason I watch pro sports is because they're as live as TV gets. My dream is witnessing Joe Buck spurt out a hailstorm of expletives on live TV as Randy Moss takes a dump on the field after a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.

But if this bill passes, every sporting event broadcast could go on tape-delay in order for the stations to avoid paying out the ass should Bert Blyleven drop another crowd pleasing F-bomb.

And that's just fucking wrong.

-WCK