Friday, August 31, 2007

Your weekend sendoff: More Human Tetris

We've had quite a solid August here, and the great long weekend is about to start, so we feel compelled to give you a sendoff worthy of your time. And nothing is more worthy of your time than a new round of Human Tetris. Someone needs to get this show on the air here in the states. It's like crack man, I'm hooked.

And here's one other crazy Japanese clip for you.


Wait, why does dogfighting have any connection to race again?

The whole time the Vick scandal has been going on there's been a ton of talk about how it all has to do with race, even though multiple ATLiens - black, white, purple, whatever - have said that most of the city isn't very happy with Ron Mexico.

I alluded to this in yesterday's links (here's the original BBC News article), but since it's finally making some headway here in the states, I thought a full post was called for.

Right now in Ireland, there is an eerily similar dogfighting case going on as well. Gerard Cavlan, a star of Ireland’s Gaelic football league, was exposed Thursday as a director of an illegal dog-fighting club. As you can see, Cavlan is white.

Earlier this year, Cavlan was convicted of possessing a dangerous dog and fined £650. In April, Dungannon Magistrates Court was told that Cavlan had merely collected the dog from kennels for a Dublin man and was not involved in any other illegal activities. That of course turned out to be a huge lie. Kind of like what Vick did. And by "kind of" I mean "exactly."

And it's not just Cavlan who's doing it. A 17-month undercover investigation by BBC Northern Ireland’s “Spotlight” program, broadcast Thursday night, found evidence of 15 illegal dog-fighting operations in the British territory of 1.7 million people.

The program secretly filmed Gerard Cavlan, a 31-year-old member of the County Tyrone Gaelic football team, discussing his ownership of more than a dozen dogs — and bragging about how one “hard-mouthed dog” gripped another in its jaws.

“Sure he had him in the chest, and he shook him and he shook him for 25 minutes,” Cavlan said during a conversation filmed covertly in his vehicle.

The program filmed Cavlan saying he had co-founded a dog-fighting club called Bulldog Sanctuary Kennels. The program described his business partner as “Dee,” a Protestant extremist and drug dealer.

Man, anyone having a sense of deja vu yet?

Interestingly, the Gaelic Athletic Association has permitted Cavlan to continue playing, although chances are he could be in some serious trouble soon since this story literally just broke.

So what exactly do we have here? It looks to me like we have a white guy and a black guy both with sketchy friends who are in serious trouble for running dogfighting operations. Race really seems irrelevant in both cases, seeing as both men committed literally the identical crimes and both are facing massive blowback and are up shit creek. Isn't that what should happen?

Anyone who thinks Vick was railroaded because he's black better pay close attention to this case in Ireland. Because it's likely Cavlan is going to be in a worse situation than Vick, considering they have Cavlan taped talking about his role in dogfighting.

Personally, I hope they throw the book at Cavlan. But that's because I'm Southern Irish Catholic. I think most of you know what I'm talking about.


Friday links

College Football. We eagerly await your true Saturday arrival. By the way, we're big Pac-10 guys. West Coast bias is the only bias for us.

On to the links.

There's an opera coming out about baseball great Josh Gibson. I'm intrigued. [Ump Bump]

This is quality video enterntainment. The Angels had the rally monkey, now the Mariners have rally fries. I much prefer rally fries. They just taste better. [Home Run Derby]

High school football, now with skyboxes! [Larry Brown Sports]

NOIS pulls back on its Andy Reid stance. [NOIS]

Your Big East college football preview. [Rumors and Rants]

Tony Gonzalez, who once had a contest with another athlete at Cal to see who could sleep with the most girls, talks about his "commitment ceremony." Wait, did I think that last sentence or did I type it? Whatever. [Arrowhead Addict]

Apparently there's some Facebook contest to get the chance to meet Brady Quinn. [Brahsome]

MBSR, which should be required reading for everyone on these here interwebs, gives us a preview of America's Next Top Model. [My Brain Says Rage]

This is definitely one of the coolest T-shirt ideas I've seen in a long time. [Deuce of Davenport]

Some gambling info to help you for this weekend of college football. [Epic Carnival]


Bury your college football team's hopes, literally

I realize this isn't exactly all that new. There have been plenty of people in the past crazy enough to be buried in their team's colors and what not. There was even that dead Steelers fan who had his Sunday football living room experience recreated at a funeral home.

But this is for you college football fans. A site called Collegiate Memorials has already gotten licensing agreements with 46 Division I colleges (and they say they can do almost every school in D-I) to put the team's logo on caskets and urns. And get this, they're working on monuments and vaults as we speak. Nothing says I'm a psychotic, mentally unbalanced fan quite like your own casket, combined of course with your own vault and monument. Because I mean once you get the casket you really have to get everything else.

But how do I know I'm getting a well-known product?
  • To date, high-quality Collegiate Memorials products have been featured on CNBC, ESPN, CNN, the Paul Harvey Show (WTF?), BBC Radio/London, the Canadian Broadcasting Network and major newspapers, news services and magazines across North America.
Well, that's great to know.

One of the interesting things is that not all the schools that are currently available are what you would consider big time schools. Like here's one for Fort Valley State University. Are they sure people who went to Fort Valley State can even afford a casket?


Thursday, August 30, 2007

My letter to Agent Zero

Agent Zero continues not to disappoint in the least. On his legendary blog he's now asking mere mortals such as you and me to compete in an essay contest for the chance to win a basketball court. I guess he's jealous that R-Jefferson gave U of A $3.5 mil or something.

I’m giving three lucky fans the chance to win a Spalding court. They get the rim, the backboard, Spalding balls, and all the rest of the accessories. All you have to do is submit an essay on on why you are the one that needs or deserves the court. I’ll have the contest running now until October 1st. That gives you a month to submit your essay.

I'm already planning my essay as we speak.

Dear Agent Zero,

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to have great basketball courts because, uh, some, uh… people out there in our nation don’t have basketball courts, and, uh, I believe that our basketball courts like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and… I believe that they should, our basketball courts over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future basketball courts for our....



Thursday links

College football starts tonight. Which would be awesome if it wasn't LSU against Miss St. I mean seriously, that's the best the NCAA could do? Needless to say we won't exactly be doing a live blog.

On to the links.

That 756 ball ain't doing so well on the auction block. [Say Hey]

Steroids has now officially hit the international roller skating scene. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

The Red Sox say Eric Gagne was tipping his pitches. Oh good, because I thought he was just sucking. [Larry Brown Sports]

Ireland has an almost identical version of the Michael Vick case. [BBC News]

Man, you've gotta see Marinovich's mug shot here. He looks horrible beyond belief. [Brahsome]

Sports in August, not so good. [Rumors and Rants]

Sign a petition to have Goodell suspend Lance Briggs. It was started by a Packers fan. What a surprise. [Suspend Lance Briggs]

To kick off college football, a list of coaching trademarks. [Sons of Sam Malone]

That $400 baseball glove is now available. But only to rich people like me. Not you commoner. [Lion in Oil]

I go to the Deuce for all my disturbing faceplant videos. [Deuce of Davenport]


Hey Crackhead

We've got something different for you right here. But it's worth your time. One of our guys had a buddy in SF a few years back who had some problems with crackheads doing some interesting stuff to his motorcycle every night that he was at his girlfriend's place. The result was this rant that appeared on SF Craigslist and brought fear into the hearts of crackheads everywhere. Enjoy.


Hey Crackhead

Date: 2004-03-27, 3:36PM

Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventu ally going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,


I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.


*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Even the big guys are profiting off of Vick

When I was younger, I once had a few family members who bought me those hideous Big Dog T-shirts. I always thanked whoever gave them to me and then buried them in my closet. They just seemed lame to me.

Well, now they seem even lamer. The company, which has annual sales of $200 million, is looking to cash in on the Vick debacle by releasing four shirts on August 31. I'm sure plenty of dog enthusiasts will purchase one, wear it once, then use it to wash their car.

The last T-shirt design in the bottom right corner befuddles me a bit. Are they comparing Mike Vick to shit? It seems that they are. But why would you want to step in shit? You know what, I'm thinking too much, I'm obviously just supposed to buy the shirt.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Salty D's Rant of the Week: Boston Red Sox Fans

As always, here's the rant of the week folks. It's decisive, uncompromising, and rude. Just like Max Power.


So, because last week I got accused of having a bias against Yankees fans everyone just assumed I was a Red Sox fan. Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, yes, I do hate non-NY area Yankees fans and I don't care if you're from Zimbabawe or Idaho, there are other teams to love and loving the Yankees from any other part of the country or world makes you a piece of shit. Period. I have never said a damn thing about Yankees fans from NY.

That being said, the only reason that Red Sox fans have been relevant for the past 80-some years is because the Yankees have kept them relevant. If ESPN and everyone else didn't blow up the Curse, which really most the rest of the country could really give a shit about, would anyone even care that the Red Sox finally won a World Series? I doubt it...

As a result, the clear second place winner for most annoying fan-base (and increasingly approaching #1 every day) is EVERY Boston Red Sox fan. As opposed to Yankees fans, I don't give a shit if you live in Guatemala, Cameroon, or next to Fenway Park, you all suck.... and the funny thing is that the rest of the country feels the same way. Anyone who has been to any game that the Red Sox play in outside Fenway are subjected to these retards showing up with Red Sox caps on, frequently with odd signs that just make everyone uncomfortable, and with an expression on their face that says "please, just fuck me up. I am going to be as annoying and lame as possible until someone just punches me in the face, please be that person." And trust me, I have had first-hand experience with this involving friends, and it never ends well. Let's just say if you are showing up at an A's/Yankees playoff game wearing a Red Sox hat and trying to start some shit, you will end up in bad shape... and deservedly so.

So, Red Sox Fan, do Salty D a favor and punch yourself in your face... you'll save some poor soul from having to do it himself and finally take some responsibility for your own behavior... Cheers!

--Salty D

You can own a piece of Mike Tyson's poop

Mike Tyson shits gold. Too bad he doesn't get any of it.

I'm not sure who in their right mind would buy stuff like this, but if you want, you can now buy a tiny bit of Mike Tyson's shit.

There's a Los Angeles based company called Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids that actually hawks the, uh, remnants of celebrities and two well known sports figures.

For Mike Tyson, his fecal matter goes for $31, his skin cells for $12.75, and his bacteria for $6.75. The shit is a bargain, but the bacteria, totally overpriced. Just be careful folks:
  • For fecal and urine specimens, you will receive 2.0-3.0 cubic centimeters of specimen packaged in a hermetically-sealed transparent plastic cylinder (about the size of a film canister). The contents will be clearly visible through the cylinder. We do not recommend opening the cylinder after purchase, and we cannot be held liable for any injuries you sustain from engaging in this highly risky behavior.
Yes, I would certainly avoid opening the cylinder since Tyson is world famous for his smelly shits. But I guess if you're crazy enough to buy this stuff, you're probably crazy enough to open the cylinder. Former wrestler Mick Foley is the only other sports figure on the site. His fecal matter goes for a paltry $23.

Just so you know, Tyson doesn't get a dime for this. Well, I think he doesn't, but who knows, he's pretty desperate at this point.

Now I know what you're wondering. Is this legal? Let me have the web site answer that for you:
  • Yes. Federal laws simply require that our samples not create an immediate threat of injury or disease propagation. Our fecal matter, urine, saliva, and sweat specimens are hermetically sealed in unbreakable plastic containers to prevent any unwanted personal injury. Bacteria and skin cells are sealed within heavy-duty glass microscope slides.
So anyway, enjoy browsing the site. There's even an interesting bit on whether the site will take vaginal fluid. Their answer: Possibly. Better watch your back Eli.


Wednesday "more dogfighting please" links

Looks like USC's running backs coach has a long history of sponsoring dogfights. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Chad Henne can't seem to do anything right. [Larry Brown Sports]

Do your duty, and vote for Crazy Crab right now. [Home Run Derby]

Some questions about the Tim Couch steroids story. My question is this: should we upgrade to radiation, because it's clear steroids aren't helping enough. [Epic Carnival]

Best songs of sports movies. [Sons of Sam Malone]

The best obscure sports movies list comes to a close. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]

Your ACC college football preview. [Rumors and Rants]

Really bad news for LA Kings fans. [Deuce of Davenport]

Adam Archuleta's uber-hot girlfriend has been getting cyberstalked. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

I think Vick had a better press conference than Larry Craig - who I once heard on the steps of the DC police department yelling at the chief of police that Americans should be able to carry automatic assault rifles whenever they pleased. Payback's a bitch Larry. [CNN]


Jay Glazer, not a fan of Kentucky

Some of you may recall that the Fanhouse did a post at the end of last week on writer and New York asshole Jay Glazer ripping the training camp site of the Bengals - Georgetown, Kentucky. Fox News pulled it down pretty fast, seeing as Glazer basically just took the entire city to the wood shed when he was supposed to be writing about the Bengals. Luckily, we managed to track down the complete article. It was entitled "Kentucky's the Pits." And man, I don't know how this thing appeared on a major sports news site. It's like our rants of the week, except on a legitimate (well, that may be giving Fox too much credit) news site. So here's Jay after the break.

Kentucky's the Pits

Yes, it's not a typo, I'm in Kentucky: They said I'd never, ever step foot in Georgetown. I've often joked around that I would never go, being that I'm an ethnic Yawka and I'd stick out worse than Joe Pesci would, or actually did, in "My Cousin Vinny." I mean, I'm a complete dead giveaway for someone who, well, isn't from Kentucky.

Just as the folks from small towns like this have certain preconceived notions about the Big Apple and loud, arrogant, obnoxious, aggressive folks like myself, I've seen things on TV about how city boys and hillbillies don't exactly mix.

Sorry, Georgetown but there was nothing to change my view in the least.

First of all, it's in a dry county. Why is there anywhere in America that is dry? Let's get real people. Not selling alcohol in one area is the dumbest thing in the world. You know what it does? It forces you to travel long distances to the next county to get drunk and then drive aaaaalllll the way back to Georgetown. How stupid is this rule? It also leads to the freaking hillbilly who was selling moonshine out of the back of his truck. Did I just say moonshine? Did I just say hillbilly? Folks, I'm not making this stuff up.

There are actually people who still sell moonshine in Kentucky and there was a guy giving it out from the back of his pickup the weekend I was there.

How do I say this gracefully and without half of Kentucky wanting to hang me by my you know whats? Let's be honest, parts of Kentucky don't exactly have a reputation for hording the members of MENSA or the contestants for the National Spelling Bee. With that in mind, I'm begging the folks in the Georgetown area to hire a full-time scout to walk around the town and correct grammar and spelling in order to dispel the myths.

The two best signs in America are both in Georgetown. First one hung in a WalMart that read, "All movies needs to be pay in electronics." Huh? You is a honor student? Didn't, oh, I don't know, ONE PERSON realize that sentence simply isn't English?

Then, I didn't see this sign but I heard about it, the local Wendy's originally had their big sign out front say, "Now hiring closers." However, the "c" in closers fell off so for a while Wendy's was "Now hiring losers."


Worst bar I've been to on the road: The Pub in Lexington, Ky. I've written about places I've loved but I have to give both sides of it. A few Bengals friends and I drove down to Lexington on a Sunday evening to find a few beers and arrived at The Pub in Lexington at 10:30. We were immediately informed that we could only get one round because as the waitress explained, "The police will come in and grab them right off your table at 11 p.m. sharp."

Are you kidding me? That's what the police spend their time on in this town? Are they chasing around bootleggers in old Studebakers? Can you imagine that?

Anyway, back to the waitress and her 11 p.m. cutoff. Last I checked I'm good for a little over a beer in a half hour. Last call? Fine, everyone in my party will have three drinks each and we'll have them polished off at 10:55. Guaranteed!

The waitress, bartender and manager all panicked over this idea as if Elliott Ness would raid the place at any minute. Come on people, we're all adults here. We're talking three lousy beers.

That wasn't the bad part, though. The manager, a total Doogie Howser-looking goober, walked over and the following is the actual conversation that ensued:

Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "I understand you ordered three rounds but we can't do that because all alcohol has to be finished by 11."

Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "That's OK buddy, we'll have them finished off for you, no problem."

Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "We can't do that, the police will take them out of your hands. I'm sorry."

Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "It's OK, I'm willing to do the time."

Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "Sorry, it's not going to happen. I can only give you one. We're only looking out for your best interests."

Are you kidding me? This is where I got a little... frustrated shall I say.

Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "Doogie, you want to protect my best interests, get me a **** 401K plan! Don't let me buy a dog from Bad Newz Kennels but don't tell me you're going to play drink police."

Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "It's for your own safety, sir."

Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "I'm so lucky to have a guardian angel like you at my side. Seriously, where were you when I fell out of that tree house when I was 8, or the time I got my *** choked out in the Octagon or the or the time I took a blow torch in high school and cut off the roof of my car so I could have a convertible. Thank you so much oh Hillbilly guardian."

Goober Pyle, Manger Extraordinaire: "(Blank look)"

The best part of it was we had to drive another 20 minutes to find another place to drink and the waitress from The Pub actually found us there and wanted to sit and drink with us. Let's get this straight, you refuse to serve us and then want to sit and have drinks with us? Aggressive New Yawka Glaze made that the most uncomfortable five minutes of conversation she's spent in a bar in a long, long time.

That night was the longest five years I've spent at one place in my life.

A pro football league that essentially bans all SEC players

I'd never heard about this league until now, even though Deadspin did a quick thing on tryouts for it in July, but apparently there's a for profit pro football league that's looking to start up next April called the All American Football League. We'll go into more detail on it here, and naturally rip it of course. The reason why it's popped up again is because there are tryouts at Ford Field on Sept. 13th. The league is pretty unique in that to compete in it you have to have received at least a 4-year college degree - with no exceptions.

The purpose of the league is to raise graduation rates for college football teams, you know, so that way we can have even more assholes out there with a Leisure Management degree. There will be six teams based in Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Michigan, Tennessee and Florida. One of the proposed steps is to have games held at major college universities and to have players suit up for the team hosted by their alma mater. Here it is directly from the site:

League teams will employ only those players who have both completed their college football eligibility and earned a four-year degree. This policy is expected to have a very positive impact on universities’ NCAA Graduation Success Rate and their Academic Progress Rate. To the extent practical, graduates of host universities will play for the team hosted by their alma mater.

I can't be the only who thinks Alabama might have a hard time fielding a team.

Anyway, the proposed league has many ties to the NCAA and is scheduled to run on a spring schedule so it doesn't interfere with the pro or college football seasons. Probably most notable though, is that the league says it won't skimp on the paychecks. Yearly compensation for players is supposed to be in the $100,000 range. Where exactly this money will be coming from is a huge mystery. I'm hoping bored crooked boosters. Or game-fixing gamblers. Definitely two types of people you want hanging around college campuses.

The owners of the league also seem to be a tad overconfident. On the FAQ page there's a question about why will the league be different from the USFL or the XFL. The answer:

Among other things, neither the USFL nor the XFL started out with a format designed to capitalize on an established fan base. Also, it's interesting to note that many observers feel that the USFL would have been successful if it had maintained its original spring season format.

That seems a bit presumptuous to me. The USFL and XFL were looking at the pro football fan base and were trying to grab a piece of it, which they didn't manage to do. Does the All American Football League really believe that suddenly University of Florida fans (provided the university theoretically decides to host a team) are suddenly going to be drawn to a game featuring washed up players from their school like Chris Leak and other various rejects? Yes, yes they do:

The League desires to have many players who are remembered and loved by the fans at the particular school/region, but it’s not a requirement that a player must have played for the university hosting a League team.

Well hot diggity damn, I can't see how this could fail! Yet somehow my gut doesn't agree with me. After all, I had enough of the Reggie Ball era, I really don't need to see more of it.

If you've got a four year college degree - which I'm assuming about 15% of you have - and you've got some free time, you should try out at Ford Field. Also if you want to put your name down to try out for the league at some other future date, you can do so here.

Godspeed gentlemen. I give this experiment, oh, one year. Max.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Pacman gets his rap on

I'm sure most of you know that Pacman's wrestling career didn't exactly work out as planned. So he's going to be rapping during his year off instead.

His new single from his new group Posterboyz supposedly came out today, although no one's been able to find anything on it yet. The song is "Let it Shine" which is Pacman's debut into rap. An album is due out in 2008.

So while we don't have Pacman rapping for you yet, we do have the MySpace page of the record label he owns. It's worth a minute or two of your time. Why?


Guess I haven't been on the streets enough.


A fat kid against a pro MMA fighter: what could possibly go wrong?

This video comes courtesy of the good souls at Grapple Monkey and it's hard to believe someone actually let this fight happen. It's a fat kid, who seems to have been plucked from the stands or something, going up against pro MMA fighter Ben Rothwell - who's 6'5" and weighs 265. My money's on the fat kid.

Not to play spoiler, but shockingly the fat kid loses - in brutal fashion. I know, hard to believe.

By the way, where are the proud parents? They make Mike Vick look like a saint.


Tuesday links

On the West Coast we have a total lunar eclipse at 3am. Somehow, I think this means the Cubs won't make the playoffs.

On to the links.

Chinese parents are great, and by "great" I mean "severe child abusers." [More Credible]

Nick Lachey almost bought the Reds? That's crazy talk. [Larry Brown Sports]

The guy who was better than Barry high school. [Deuce of Davenport]

Ugly-ass athletes. However, I can't take this list seriously because Carlos Tevez isn't on it. [Sons of Sam Malone]

Apparently you can get some fantasy miles out of the Raiders. [Winning The Turnover Battle]

Lou Holtz, gettin' on some peoples' nerves. He gets on my nerves because he can't speak clearly. [Rumors and Rants]

Man, Mike Mussina sucks. So who to replace him with? [Ump Bump]

So how'd OJ Mayo's first USC practice go? [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

If this article got you watching the Little League World Series, then you obviously need some help. [Introducing Liston]


Joe Pa is hipper than you thought

SbB did this first, which we just learned after posting this. Whatever, it's all we got. It's slow as hell today and I was in Chicago all day yesterday not reading blogs.

Even though I respect Joe Paterno, I have to admit that I think he should've retired from college football about 10 years ago. He's old and can't really relate to young players.

Or so I thought.

Joe Pa has just made every red-blooded American male desperate to become a Penn St. quarterback. And that's because he's let his son and quarterbacks coach Jay take Madden and add Penn St.'s plays to the game to help prepare the QBs for gameday. Got any room for walk-ons coach?

"The good thing is nobody's ever late for our (meetings) -- not that they're ever late -- but they're all about 20 minutes early now because they all want to get in there and turn it on and beat each other," Jay Pa said.

Needless to say, the players aren't exactly complaining.

"While we're in there, so-called wasting time, playing PlayStation, we can actually learn something," starting quarterback Anthony Morelli said. "It will almost be like watching film. Changing plays on the fly, it's just a fun thing that's going to help us on the field."

This of course brings up fascinating questions - like which pro QB does each college QB use? Does Jay Pa still let the guys use Vick? Can Morelli trade LDT onto his team to replace Travis Henry?

Jay Pa is also going to be throwing virtual defenses at his QBs while they play. If coach plays Madden like I do - totally cheaply - then he'll run punt rush every time and get the instant sack.

Of course not everyone is nearly as cool as Jay Pa. Defensive coordinator Tom Bradley, who coaches the Penn State defensive backs, said in his meetings "There are no video games. We don't even allow any pictures."

He's probably just mad that Jay Pa kicks his ass all the time.


Tiger Woods attempts to be funny

I still fully believe Tiger is a cyborg and totally incapable of comprehending the human emotion known as laughter, but he tries hard here and succeeds to a degree. He does a decent impression of Charles Barkley's hideous swing.


Monday, August 27, 2007

Monday "best quote ever" links

This photo has nothing to do with anything, I just thought it was cool and a testament to the Cubs since I was in Chicago this weekend.

Anyway, some of you may know that Mr. Tyson Gay won the 100 meter dash in Tokyo this weekend over world record holder Asafa Powell. Well, Powell and Fox News may have given us the greatest quote in sports history: "I felt him (Gay) coming on my shoulder and that's when I panicked. It slowed me down. I'm very disappointed."

Pure gold folks, pure gold. On to the links.

Mark Cuban is going to be on Dancing With the Stars. Mark Cuban is also seriously getting on my nerves. [Deuce of Davenport]

Mickey Mantle had some fun under the right field bleachers. [Fanhouse] and [Larry Brown Sports]

Those Florida Marlins really could have been something. [I'm Writing Sports]

Barry Bonds' speech from his key-to-the-city ceremony. [Say Hey]

10 errors by one team in a baseball game. Very impressive. [Lion in Oil]

Yankees fans are losing it. [Epic Carnival]

So how exactly did Stuart Scott get his lazy eye? [Fumbled]


A serious look at Vick v. Henry

Travis Henry spends some time with two-thirds of his illegitimate kids.

In the comment section of the Fanhouse's recent post on Travis Henry, there were more than a few people that wondered who was actually worse - Vick or Henry. It's definitely a fair question. So why don't we try and answer it from two perspectives. First from the NFL's perspective and second from the larger societal perspective.

NFL perspective: Henry's 9 kids by 9 women is certainly a black eye for the NFL, but let's think about this rationally. Athletes, of all colors and ilk, are notorious for having illegitimate kids. Henry is just a bit worse than normal. And by a bit worse, I mean much worse. But still, in reality all Henry does is reinforce the notion that ALL professional athletes are sexually irresponsible with women. Of course for some people, he reinforces the belief that black athletes are more sexually irresponsible with women. But again, if you scour the backgrounds of pro athletes, the brand of illegitimate kids still falls on all races and economic backgrounds. There's also little concern for the NFL, since the NBA is generally considered to be (fairly or unfairly) the predominant league of illegitimate kids. In this sense, there isn't much for the NFL to worry about in regards to Henry, except maybe bailing him out when he needs money for child support that he hasn't paid. It also helps that Henry isn't exactly the face of the NFL.

Vick, from the NFL's perspective, is entirely different. First and foremost, Vick is better known than Henry and Vick was one of the faces of the league. Vick also committed a serious crime (felony) and has now admitted to it. Although what Henry has done is pretty bad, having illegitimate kids isn't yet a crime here in the United States. It's also important to note that serious gambling was involved with Vick's dogfighting ring - something the NFL wants no part of its players doing. Vick's crime is also particularly bad for the NFL because it wasn't something that can be brushed off as accidental or stupid. Vick didn't punch someone who made fun of him or fall asleep drunk at the wheel. He financed, ran, and participated in a dogfighting ring for an extended period time. For a league, and a commissioner, looking to set things straight, the last thing you want to have happen is one of your star players actually running a clearly illegal operation, and actively gambling on it, for an extended period of time. It lends credence to the notion that pro athletes, particularly football players, are thuggish individuals who consider themselves above the law. It's also important to note that crime (in Vick's case dogfighting and illegal gambling) has a bigger impact on the general public than illegitimate kids. Vick's crime is easy for people to condemn given how he broke actual laws. For most people, illegitimate kids are something much less tangible than crime - and much more difficult to openly condemn seeing as they're actual human beings, and not as easily definable as a broken law.

For the NFL, it's clear that Vick is easily the bigger problem thanks to his admission of the crime and his illegal gambling. Henry will likely be a funny story for years, but Vick is a permanent black eye on the NFL.

Societal perspective: Might actually surprise you here -we'll start with Vick. Although both men have done reprehensible things, Vick's impact is much less great. This hinges on one critical point. Vick was dealing with dogs, who despite what PETA-Nazis will tell you, are not actually humans - and remember our legal system says as much as well. And while Vick killed 8 dogs himself, and has condemned another 53 to lethal injection because they were trained to fight, his crime - from a societal perspective - is less bad than Henry's. This is because as great as dogs are, and as much as I loathe what Vick did, a dog's impact on society is essentially minimal at best. They don't peddle drugs, abuse people, and murder people (usually). Nor do they build spaceships, help solve the battle against cancer, or cure AIDS. They essentially offer humans companionship (and sometimes help with drug busts). While what Vick did is terrible, his overall societal impact is minimal. And there's even an argument to be made that what Vick did has actually raised awareness of dogfighting and will get more people attempting to stop it in the future.

While Henry hasn't killed any dogs or kids, his societal impact is actually much worse than Vick's. Let's think about this for a second. He has 9 illegitimate kids by 9 women. That means if we cut his jimmy off today and he settled down with one of these women, there'd still be eight children who'd have minimal contact with their biological father. I'm sure I don't exactly have to hit you with academic study (Population Review) after academic study (Brookings Institution) that suggest that illegitimate children tend to have the odds stacked against them. Not only that, but as the AJC story from the Fanhouse pointed out, Henry is essentially broke from paying for all nine kids. And we all know he won't be playing football until he's 60, so things could get interesting when he retires. The fact is that Henry's incredible lack of foresight, combined with the motivations of these 9 women, could seriously impact these kids' lives in negative ways. So while Henry hasn't drowned any dogs or physically hurt any of his kids - the odds appear to be against these kids thanks to Henry's stupidity. And these kids will grow up to have a bigger societal impact (positive or negative) than any dog ever will.

From a societal perspective, it seems clear that Henry is actually worse than Vick, seeing as he's made decisions that ultimately have a direct impact on human lives, whereas Vick's actions did not.

Conclusion: As was made clear earlier, both guys have done reprehensible things. But it appears that Henry has actually done worse things than Vick. Henry has likely negatively impacted the lives of 9 kids, who in all honesty, are more important than the life of any dog.


Sunday, August 26, 2007

Needs more dog

This story first came out on Friday, but since Vick decided to plead out that day it kind of got buried.

Some entrepreneurial woman decided to let her dogs go to town on 22 Mike Vick cards - and then put them on eBay. According to Yahoo News, she's promised to donate the green to the humane society of the winning bidder's choice.

Hopefully that humane society is my wallet, because as of right now, the bids for these cards are ridiculous. As of Thursday night, the high bid was $455. It's now 10 times that and still rising with 3 days left in the bidding process. I wonder if the eventual winning bidder would have donated the same amount of money to a humane society had Vick not been involved in dogfighting - which, you know, is still financed by slightly less famous people in many places. My guess is probably not.

Anyway, Vick's still a money maker, it's just that the money isn't going to him anymore.


Sunday link squad

Travis Henry has been a very busy man. We'll also have something about this on Monday. [AOL Fanhouse]

NFL predictions from a Star Wars geek. [18 to 88]

A former MLB pitcher is now homeless in Canada. I thought Canada didn't have homeless people. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

David Boston blew triple zeros, but was still arrested for driving under the influence. Under the influence of what? [Steroid Nation]

Nike axes Vick. [Sons of Sam Malone]

How to train your dog - Vick style. [KSK]

Where should you take LJ in your fantasy draft? [Winning the Turnover Battle]


Saturday, August 25, 2007

Saturday "mailin' it in" links

We're mailing it in for today. So you'll have to get your links elsewhere. But here's a classic Simpsons clip for you since you did take the trouble to get to the site today. We'll be back on Sunday.

"Arrest that guy!"

Friday, August 24, 2007

Your weekend sendoff

I'm off to Chicago. I wish I could travel this way.


Frank Lampard's contract demands (if true) are insane and awesome

Those of you familiar with the EPL and Chelsea probably know that star Frank Lampard has had some trouble agreeing to a new contract.

And while this is almost undoubtedly satire, it's pretty good.

We may now know why they're having trouble agreeing on a contract. The UK web site Chicken Dinner - which despite it's name is a sports news and gossip site - somehow managed to get their hands on Lampard's contract demands. We've done our best to try and determine if they're real, with no luck. The story has at least appeared on The Guardian newspaper's blog, which seems to think the demands might be true - which means nothing of course - given Lampard's prima donna attitude. It'd be fun if the demands are true, because they are AWESOME.

Let's look at some of the more fun demands:

Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry. In addition: The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry.

Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry.

Upon scoring a goal, Mr. Lampard is to be unmolested by fellow players for at least five ("5") seconds, in order to perform a celebration as he deems appropriate. When the rest of the team then embraces him, they may not touch him below the waist.

Mr. Lampard is to be provided with a separate dressing and changing area both at Stamford Bridge and away grounds, of four-star hotel quality or better. The lavatory seat is to be new and sealed.

Mr. Lampard's dressing room is to be painted white or off-white and decorated with two ("2") vases of white lilies and a baby grand paino (white or off-white).

Thank goodness he'll accept an off-white baby grand piano. White can be awful hard to find.

By the way - I really, really should have kept playing soccer.

Again, this is probably all be made up, which is more than possible knowing the cheeky British press and psychotic fans. But who knows, I mean the Galaxy did sign Beckham to a $250 million contract full of bizarre stuff.

Anyway here are the full two pages of Lampard's demands from the potential "contract." Just click on them to blow them up.


Friday Sounds of Science links

Have a damn good weekend people. Hopefully you'll spend your weekend rocking out at some club that has half as many speakers as this car.

On to the links.

Warren Sapp, still awesome. [Larry Brown Sports]

An interview with Kobe, sort of. [Introducing Liston]

Queen Elizabeth, not a fan of Palestinian soccer. [The Beautiful Game]

Andy Reid should be suspended. [NOIS]

MLB caps go Thug Life. [Deuce of Davenport]

Talking with an air guitar hero, who's from SAN JOSE. Aw yeah. [Awful Announcing]

Some genius did a study to determine if Beckham could outrun a T-Rex. Why? [Sons of Sam Malone]

A look at what's going on in sports internationally. [Epic Carnival]

I should have linked this before, but forgot. Here it is now. MLB divisions, by porn type. [Doberman on the Diamond]


Proof that Woody Austin suffers from brain damage

I really could care less about golf, and personally I think Tiger is a cyborg, but I'm doing this post anyway because I'm sure one or two of you golf WASPs will love this. Me, I'm a WIC. White Irish Catholic.

Anyway, remember what Woody Austin said after Tiger beat him at the PGA?

"It just happens that he scored better. You can't throw away that many opportunities when you are trying to win a big golf tournament. He took advantage; I didn't. Does that mean he played better than me or he's better than me? I don't agree with that."

I thought to myself, how could he say something that dumb? The proof is in this video from 1997 friends.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Thursday Beatdown links

That was some football game in Baltimore last night. Wait, it wasn't a football game? How stupid of me, the Ravens defense would never allow 30 points. I think the Orioles just cemented their status as the worst team in baseball.

On to the links.

Jerome Bettis, not a fan of Bill Cowher. [Larry Brown Sports]

The second part on Vick. [NOIS]

Man, I had no clue Nolan Richardson was coaching the Mexican National Basketball team. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

It's time to latch yourself onto a bandwagon for the NFL season. [The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]

Next summer, Justin Timberlake will play a pro hockey player in a movie. Who the f_ck casted this thing? Fire them immediately. [Deuce of Davenport]

Vick Hall at VT will stay. [Sons of Sam Malone]

Patrick Willis has made quite an impression with the 49ers. I am stoked as hell for the season. [Say Hey]

Fantasy League opponents, as movie directors. [Pacman Jonesin']

Should have posted this yesterday, but whatever. Best pitch ever. [Babes Love Baseball]

How to get a seat at Wrigley. [Home Run Derby]

Even Roto leagues are commenting about Brady's child and "upgrade." [Awful Announcing]


WTF? Chuck Liddell was a kid actor?

This extremely brief video comes courtesy of Sports Rumblings, which somehow found out that UFC badass Chuck Liddell appeared in the 1981 movie The Postman Always Rings Twice, which had Jack Nicholson in it. The Iceman also appeared briefly in How High and Cradle 2 the Grave, two slightly worse movies, along with his notable appearance on Entourage.

If you want to see the Iceman's old high school work, you can find that over at Awful Announcing.


Sid the Kid is going to get ribbed mercilessly this year

I've always thought of hockey players as extremely tough guys. They're hard-nosed and they take no crap. And they certainly don't hawk pink shoes. I mean, what hockey player would lower themselves to that?

Apparently Sidney Crosby. While Sid the Kid may be one hell of a hockey player he may have officially gone overboard in terms of what he's now endorsing. The shoe you see above is the new women's Crosby cross trainer. And it has his name and number on it. Yikes. Naturally there's no way Sid could have had a hand in designing this monstrosity, right?

Crosby has been doubling as a fashion consultant with Reebok and has developed his very own line of clothing. It's been a hands-on experience for the NHL's most valuable player.

"It was funny because I was getting these prints and these designs sent to me at home," Crosby said Tuesday at the launch for the fall collection of his Rbk SC87 line. "I'd be with my parents and we'd be discussing what's in style and what's out of style."

I see. Well, surely this madness will stop with pink shoes, right? There's no way Crosby would dare subject himself to even more potential abuse from opponents, teammates and fans.

There's even a women's line that includes a pink baby tee featuring the words: "I (heart) Crosby."

I guess pro hockey doesn't pay quite as well as it used to. I look forward to seeing Crosby's future fashion line with Chanel.

Needless to say, Sid might be getting some shit this year from, uh, everyone. We had to look back real far to find anything with a well known athlete's name on it that was anywhere near as fruity as Sid's shoe.

Let's just convince ourselves that Michael had no hand in the design.


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Want some pit bulls?

Man, irony sure is great.

When the Feds raided Michael Vick's property in April they wound up finding 53 live pit bulls still on the premises. Seeing as the dogs are evidence of the dogfighting ring, they were all seized. In a rather interesting legal loophole, since the dogs are now involved in a civil case, the only way they can get be released is if someone claims them.

Shockingly, no one has, not even Mr. John Lee Riches.

While that's not sursprising, here's what is. If someone doesn't claim those dogs soon, all 53 of them are going to be euthanized. That makes perfect sense. Wait, no it doesn't.

The legal situation is such. The dogs - not Vick - are now part of a civil complaint filed by federal prosecutors that does not name Vick and is separate from the criminal case against him. But it does state the pit bulls were part of the dogfighting operation known as "Bad Newz Kennels," which Vick and three buddies are accused of operating.

The government filed three public civil forfeiture notices in a Richmond newspaper to publicize the dogs' confiscation, and the deadline for claims on the dogs is 30 days after the appearance of the final notice, filed July 24. That sets the dogs up for lethal injection pretty soon. A federal judge will make the final call on what happens to them.

Excellent. So Vick will go to prison for killing eight dogs, and now rather than try and rehab the leftover dogs, the government will just kill all 53 of them. I'm not sure what the moral of the story is here. I think it's that to be safe, you should always kill dogs. That sounds right.


It looks like someone's headed to Vegas

There was a lot of talk over the NBA All-Star weekend about whether or not an NBA team would move there. After the Donaghy scandal played out, I think we all naturally thought there was no way this could happen anymore.

Guess we were wrong.

From Yahoo Sports:

Casino giant Harrah's Entertainment announced Wednesday it is partnering with AEG, the company that brought David Beckham to the Los Angeles Galaxy to build a 20,000-seat arena capable of housing an NBA or NHL team. The arena, behind the Bally's and Paris hotel-casinos on the Las Vegas Strip, is projected to open in 2010.

"This arena is being developed with the capability of hosting an NHL or NBA franchise from day one," said Timothy Leiweke, the president and chief executive of AEG, which owns the Galaxy and the Staples Center in Los Angeles.

"We continue to have productive conversations with potential owners and are optimistic that either basketball or hockey, or both, will be played in Las Vegas when the venue opens," he said in a statement.

The arena to be built on 10 acres of land that Harrah's owns is to be privately financed. Construction is set to begin on the project in the summer of 2008.

I must admit I'm a little surprised by this. Hockey is essentially dead in the US and Las Vegas seems like an even weirder place for hockey than Tampa Bay. Meanwhile, the NBA All-Star game was a nightmare and with Donaghy set to name 20 refs who he said he'd seen gambling - which is against NBA regulations - this proposed arena seems like a money pit. Would Stern really let a team go to Vegas after the Donaghy fiasco?

Sure, why not. Despite what Stern or anyone else might say, money is always the bottom line. I would totally root for the Las Vegas Point Shavers.


Let's make a deal

I am first and foremost a 49ers fan, but like anyone who grew up in the Bay Area, I also closely follow the Raiders. That was a little hard last season, when most of their home games were blacked out. But they now have a real chance to do something that could begin to get them back on the road to respectablity.

As you may have heard, the Raiders can't seem to sign JaMarcus Russell. The core problem is Al Davis and Russell can't come to terms on guaranteed money in Russell's contract. Obviously Russell has the upper hand, seeing as contracts for #1 picks have increased fairly steadily in gauranteed money in recent years.

Since neither side is budging yet, and the season is on the verge of starting, perhaps there's another move the Raiders could make that's simple and totally logical.

Trade Russell to the Atlanta Falcons.

Before you fly off the handle and go nuts, and point out that the trading deadline for draft picks has passed, let's think about this logically for a moment and why it would work.

1. It would be very simple - if both teams agreed to this - to have a sign and trade. The Raiders would sign Russell to a contract that Atlanta would agree to pay him.

2. The Atlanta Falcons desperately need a QB. Right now they have Harrington, who sucks, and Chris Redman, who hasn't thrown a pass in the league since 1984. Since DJ Shockley is lost for the season, there's a serious lack of depth at QB. Getting their hands on a #1 pick QB who they could build around in the wake of the Vick fiasco would be an incredible turnaround for this team.

3. Atlanta is about to free up some major cap space. As soon as Vick pleads guilty to dogfighting charges, his $130 million contract can be torn to pieces on the spot thanks to what have become standard behaviorial clauses in professional sports contracts. Vick won't see another penny, and will likely lose some change in the process. And if you think he's ever going to play in Atlanta again, you're nuts. Vick directly lied to owner Arthur Blank (and Goodell) about whether he participated in dogfighting. And Blank is furious. So Atlanta will suddenly have a lot of money to throw around.

4. The Raiders appear completely unable to strike a deal with Russell, and since they already have Dante Culpepper, Russell is expendable. Plus, it's clear that the Raiders need more than just Russell to rebuild. They need an entire offense. So why not ship Russell off to Atlanta for some future draft picks and a few offensive players. They can always draft another QB in the future who they likely won't have to pay as much.

5. The deal makes incredible sense for both teams. Both teams would benefit from a trade, and both teams desperately need help immediately. It'd also be extremely easy to make sure everything fits under the salary cap.

But here's why I'm afraid this won't work. It's simply too logical. And logic is something that seems totally foreign to most sports GMs and owners. Yes Al Davis, you no longer have any logic at all. You're crazy, and likely senile.

ESPN talked about how Atlanta was looking at Chris Simms of all people. Why? For God's sake, what is Simms going to do for you that Harrington isn't. Both suck.

This is a dream scenario for both teams. Atlanta quickly forgets the Vick trainwreck by bringing in a QB to build around for years while the Raiders get multiple position players and draft picks that within two years could bring them back to respectability.

Too bad this will never happen.


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