Sunday, September 30, 2007

Tractor Traylor gets sentenced for aiding a drug kingpin

The Tractor Traylor saga isn't quite the same as the Vick saga, primarily because Traylor isn't as well known as Vick. But it's still interesting nonetheless.

Traylor's name was used, of his own accord, to make it appear that he purchased two Detroit rental properties several years ago. The properties actually were owned by his cousin Quasand Lewis, a convicted drug trafficker and money launderer, according to federal prosecutors.

When Lewis was finally busted by federal authorities in 2004, he had sold an estimated $178 million in marijuana and cocaine in metro Detroit and had associates with suspected links to nearly a dozen murders and four fire-bombed houses, according to federal prosecutors. They declared Lewis as the kingpin of a massive and ruthless organized crime ring and deemed him Michigan's biggest pot dealer, perhaps ever.

It was never really determined why Traylor helped Lewis, aside from the fact that they're family. Traylor wound up helping him launder about $4 million.

Anyway, Traylor pleaded guilty in January to a charge of aiding and assisting in the preparation of a false tax return. He could have been sentenced to up to 14 months in federal prison.

Instead, Traylor received three years of probation on Friday.

He'll serve the first three months of his probation in a halfway house and the next three months in home confinement. Since he's currently playing pro ball in Puerto Rico - which is a long, long fall from being the 6th pick in the 1998 NBA Draft - his sentence will be served in the offseason.

Although Traylor's specific story is different from Vick's, it still begs the same question, why in the hell do some athletes do stuff like this? It's sort of depressing to watch certain pro athletes continually get pulled down by some of the people they happen to associate themselves with. We've seen this a million times in sports, from Vick to Pacman to Pete Rose.

Whatever, it's not like it's ever going to change anyway. Hope you're enjoying the legal cock fights in Puerto Rico, Tractor. Maybe when Vick gets out of prison he can join you there.


What we learned from Saturday's college football action

1. You never know what can happen in college football, which sounds cliche, but it's true. Five top 10 teams lost this weekend (including Friday). Florida, Oklahoma, West Virginia, Texas and Rutgers. And Cal and USC were literally one or two plays away from potentially joining that list. That's unreal. This is also why people love college football, every week is a playoff game.

2. Oklahoma proved to be what we always thought they were. An absolute pretender. You might remember last week I ripped the hell out of Oklahoma for constantly scheduling cupcakes and then continually bitching about not being ranked as high as USC and LSU. So I can't even tell you how sweet it was to see Oklahoma fall to Colorado in crushing fashion on Saturday. Those 60 point wins over Hobo St. sure seem pretty hollow now, eh Oklahoma? Ever since USC absolutely reamed Oklahoma in the 2004 National Championship game, it's been my opinion that more times than not (excluding the 2005 VY Texas team of course) the Big 12 is truly a very weak conference - and Texas losing on Saturday as well kinda helps cement that opinion. But Oklahoma is the biggest whining piece of shit in that conference. Do yourself a favor next year Oklahoma, schedule some out of conference games against teams that didn't go 2-10 the previous year.

3. The only team that can beat USC is USC. And let me tell you why. Quite simply, there is no team in college that can go on the road, commit three turnovers, have a punt blocked, commit 16 penalties for 160+ yards, and lose two great O-linemen - all against a decent opponent - and win. No one. LSU can't do that, Cal can't do that, Ohio State can't do that. USC played one of those games where they literally did everything they could to keep shooting themselves in the foot and still beat a decent Washington team. That is incredibly impressive. Of course, if USC plays like they did on Saturday against LSU, Cal or Ohio St. they'd be crushed. But the fact remains, they did everything wrong on Saturday against Washington and still won. That's pretty remarkable. USC is the only team that can stop USC. And they almost did it on Saturday.

4. Somebody needs to fire whoever's in charge of ABC Sports. You have a highly anticpated matchup between #6 Cal and #11 Oregon - one of the best games of the day - and you don't show it in HD?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I didn't go to a place with a 70-inch screen TV to watch this game in grainy regular TV. I'm not going to say this is east coast bias or something like that. No, this was just a braindead decision by ABC Sports. I want someone's head on a stake. That said though, what an absolutely insane 2nd half to this game. Plus Cal's defense, clearly running on fumes in the final 5 minutes of the game, made 3 huge defensive plays to win it. Quite frankly though, Oregon should have won. They choked it away in a way too strange to even imagine. I don't know if either Cal or Oregon can beat USC, but both teams get USC at home this year. Neither game is going to be easy for USC.

5. Notre Dame isn't really on track. Purdue was about as active as a dead dog in the second half. The Irish are still going to start the season 0-8.

6. Matt Flynn continues to be LSU's weak link. Against Tulane he goes 16/29 for 258 yards and 1 INT. He's also incapable of scrambling and making plays, seeing as he got sacked 6 times - one of those for a safety. I'm not even sure LSU is going to get past Florida anymore, despite Florida's loss to Auburn. I think Florida will come out angry against the Tigers. LSU is also starting to regress from its early season dominance. The simple fact is this. If LSU plays like it has the last two weeks, and people keep pressuring Flynn, LSU won't be playing in the national championship.

7. The Big East is the most hilarious conference in America. You know who's tied for first in the conference standings right now? South Florida, UCONN and Syracuse. Syracuse?! Yes, Syracuse. It's also amazing that two teams in this conference with national title hopes, Louisville and West Virginia, have already had those hopes crushed and it isn't even October. Man, this conference SUCKS. Although I do like South Florida, but that's it. Every week this conference continues to show that it's full of chump teams that don't deserve a snowball's chance in hell of playing in a national title game.

8. The world is happy. Because Nick Satan lost again.

9. Urban Meyer is a dick. Way to try that bullshit NFL timeout move on Auburn's kicker. What would have been better is if the kid missed the first kick, then made the second. Either way, I was pleased Auburn won, especially after Meyer tried that stupid stunt.

10. Wisconsin is the worst team in the top 10, whenever the new poll comes out. No question about this at all. They barely beat Michigan State at home, and haven't played anyone good. They're like a slower, less talented version of Oklahoma. They might remain undefeated until Ohio State. Then Ohio State will take them out to the woodshed and destroy them.

11. Kentucky is better than you think. They're going to shoot up the rankings this week, and they deserve it. This team has quietly been playing great football, and they have a chance to go real far this year. Of course, the next three weeks will determine how far they go. In the next three games they face South Carolina, LSU and Florida. That's brutal, although they get LSU and Florida at home. But they can win two of those games if they get luck on their side. And if they do win two of those three, Woodson should become the Heisman frontrunner and Kentucky has a chance at a BCS bowl.

12. Someone needs to teach announcers, and Scott Van Pelt, how to say Oregon. It's not Ore-GONE. It's Ore-GEN. Get it right assholes, it's your job.


Nepal is fed up with strippers on Everest

Sometimes people do pretty weird things, and this one has to rank somewhere near the top of that list.

Last year, a Nepali climber claimed the world's highest display of nudity when he disrobed for several minutes while standing on Everest's 29,035ft summit in temperatures of about 14 degrees. No word on if he did a pole dance too.

Anyway the claim is that he wanted to celebrate his oneness with the elements, you know, by doing something ridiculously stupid. Nepal, however, is pretty pissed, and is going to drop the hammer on stripping climbers.

Nepal's mountaineering authorities are now calling for a ban on nudity and attempts to set obscene records on the world's highest mountain. Some potential attempts floating around include who can take the world's highest dump and which country's mountaineering team can do the first ever thin-air circle jerk.

"There should be strict regulations to discourage such attempts by climbers," said Ang Tshering, president of the Nepal Mountaineering Association.

Other bizarre record-setting attempts in the line of stripping that have sparked controversy include a Dutch man who attempted to scale the peak wearing only shorts (that's actually true).

One of the defenses for stripping climbers is that the legendary climber George Mallory supposedly climbed naked every so often. It should probably also be noted that Mallory died on Everest.

I honestly don't know why in God's name anyone would want to strip naked on Everest. Remember, this mountain isn't exactly like climbing the hill at the local park. But hey, I guess if you want to strip on Everest, go ahead. Just don't expect me to drag your frozen corpse down off the mountain.


Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Patriots v. Lionel Hutz

I guess in our lawsuit happy nation this was bound to happen eventually. Yesterday a Jets fan, and lawyer, filed a class-action lawsuit against the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick for "deceiving customers."

Needless to say I'm not exactly surprised such an insane stunt came courtesy of a Jets fan.

The lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Newark, N.J., by Carl Mayer of Princeton Township, N.J., stems from the Patriots being caught illegally videotaping signals from Jets coaches in New England's 38-14 season-opening win September 9th.

Definitely a lawsuit worthy offense if I ever heard of one. Now comes the fun part. Mayer is seeking more than $184 million in damages for Jets ticket holders.

"They were deceiving customers," said Mayer. "You can't deceive customers."

That's one rock solid argument there if you ask me. Might as well just have the Patriots write the check now. But how'd we get to such a random number? Well, Mayer and his collegue Bruce Afran, also a lawyer, concluded that because Jets customers paid $61.6 million to watch eight "fraudulent" games between the Pats and Jets since 2000, they're entitled to triple that amount - or $184.8 million - in compensation under the federal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization Act and the New Jersey Consumer Fraud Act.

Naturally the Patriots aren't talking, I assume because they're quaking in their cleats.

I should say something here about how lawyers are awful and lawsuits like this are a scourge on our fair land, but I won't. I'll just say what every non-Pats fan - and everyone who hates Simmons - is thinking: Fight on my lawsuit happy brothers. Fight to the death.


In support of Agent Zero the historian

We're huge fans of the great Agent Zero, and frankly we wish he'd never left the Warriors. But we're glad to see he's still taking on new challenges in D.C.

His newest challenge is of course trying to buy Barry Bonds' 756 ball back from fashion jackass Mark Ecko. For the complete story of what Gil had to say, which is most certainly worth a read, check out Agent Steinz's piece from the D.C. Sports Bog.

But anyway, the gist of how Gil feels about the ball is simple. Here's some of what Agent Zero said:

"It's history," Gil began. "It's still history. I mean, the guy's a man before he's some big slugger. I mean, how you just going to take what this man's done for his career and, as another man, say 'Hey, you were accused of this, you allegedly did this, I want to take this away from you.' I mean, what if we took away your Ecko company?

"I mean, why graffiti the ball when, in everybody's mind, they think he's done it. So no matter what, when they look at the ball, they're gonna be like, 'Oh, he allegedly....You don't have to mark it in history. Like, who are you? Are you Superman? You're sitting here throwing all the rockets into space: 'I want to send it to space?' Are you serious? Like, come on."

Now, we're Giants fans, so we realize we're a bit biased here, but we really think Agent Zero has the right idea. The 756 ball is, quite simply, a historic item. It deserves to go into the Hall of Fame without anyone doing anything to it. Even as Giants fans, we're aware Bonds did steroids, and of course so is everyone else. Fans should have the right to go into the Hall of Fame and draw their own conclusions on the ball - not have it force fed to them. Branding the ball because Bonds used steroids is like branding all of Ty Cobb's stuff in the HOF because he allegedly threw a game with Tris Speaker. It's retarded. The items are still historic and deserve to be left untouched. Let history judge them.

Plenty of people already see that ball as one big asterisk anyway, so there's no need to brand it and deface it.

Now there's truth to the fact that Ecko bought the ball, and it's his property, so technically he can do what he wants with it. You can also buy a Picasso for $30 million and then draw a mustache on it.

But the point is you shouldn't do that. The ball, like the painting, is part of a greater cultural heritage. Both deserve to be saved by stand-up people like Agent Zero.

Remember what the whole point of this branding bullshit is. It's so Ecko can get himself some publicity, as NOIS so satirically put it. It has nothing to do with giving "the people" what they want. It has to do with getting the people to be aware of Ecko clothes.

We salute Agent Zero's quest to get the 756 ball to Cooperstown unbranded. It's a noble move on his part. Regardless of how the record was achieved, Gil is doing his part to save a piece of our cultural heritage. That way people can make their own choice about what the 756 ball means to them when they see it person.

Photo from Deadspin.


Friday, September 28, 2007

Your weekend sendoff

As we prepare for another weekend of football, let's take a look back at some of the biggest hits in NFL history. This video reminds of that Simpsons episode where Homer rented "Football's Greatest Injuries."


Mike Vick is a genius

Mike Vick might just be so stupid he's brilliant. It seems that by getting caught smoking pot, Vick may have actually reduced his future jail time.

The obvious question here is - what the hell are you talking about?

The guy who runs heard a guy on a San Antonio radio show say that there is an obscure federal legal loophole that Vick might be able to take advantage of by having tested positive for marijuana.

Here is how Vick can reduce his jail time according to Derrich:

By taking advantage of an obscure Federal Bureau of Prisons (B.O.P.) Rotational/Developmental Assignment Program (R.D.A.P.) loophole — 18 U.S.C. 3621 — Vick could possibly reduce his sentence by one year. This documented instance of substance abuse apparently qualifies Vick for this reduction upon completion of a treatment program.

And here's what the statute says:

Period of custody — The period a prisoner convicted of a nonviolent offense remains in custody after successfully completing a treatment program may be reduced by the Bureau of Prisons, but such reduction may not be more than one year from the term the prisoner must otherwise serve.

According to the owner of American Prison Consultants - which is a somewhat seedy looking site, but specializes in reducing the jail time of white collar criminals - this is not BS. Here's what he said:

"If you can show you had a substance abuse issue 1 year prior to entering custody you can get UP TO A YEAR knocked off your federal sentence."

A couple of lawyers we know also vouched for this potential outcome. And strangely, killing dogs is not considered a violent offense. The APC guy also said that 6 months of prison time can be served in a half-way house - which is much, much better than being in prison.

Vick could qualify for this loophole because he failed his recent drug test. Of course now the question is did Vick actually smoke pot on purpose? I'd like to think Ron Mexico spent many a night buried in the Harvard Law library looking for this loophole, but I doubt it. Maybe he just has the greatest legal team in history, but that seems unlikely as well.

If the judge is lenient (which might be less likely now considering the positive marijuana test) and Vick is sentenced to a year and a half in jail, he might never actually set foot in prison and only spend 6 months in a half-way house.

All I know is if I ever have to plead guilty to a federal crime, I'm going to puff a huge doobie in the court room as I plead out.

Of course, Vick still has to worry about state charges, but hey, he's one step closer to his triumphant return to the NFL.

Photo courtesy of KSK and The Onion.


Prague need help much Games Olympic

The city of Prague has a dream. A grand dream. They want to host the Olympics in 2016. So earlier this month, they threw in their chips to be among the cities considered for that future honor. Naturally, the city is extremely excited and wants to let the world know that they will do whatever they can to host the Games.

An official Czech site called Olympic Prague has been set up to keep the world informed about the city's efforts, and it also comes in multiple languages. But there's one major problem. They used a robot as a translator. Awesome.

Here is some of the great news you can get from Olympic Prague's English page:

PRAGUE for advocate gainfully action, which bring Prague glory all the world over. For second nightmare and extremely chance for corruption. Prague summer Olympic Games in the year 2016 or 2020 is above all big moonshine chief magistrate Pauline Bem.

Has if have offer Prague and vicariously and Czech republic prospect of success in competition offers big world’s metropolis, must Prague use his unique eye-appeal and get different draft games to the beautiful cities.

Bookkeeper offered must be sent to middle-shine. International Olympic collection shortlisting five candidate next year and winner will elect on October 2009.

So Prague apply to treat Olympic Games for the first time, and next European town London already put on by antecedent in 2012, Prague’’s present-day candidature be considered enough how preparation for bid for Olympic Games in 2020 or 2024.

At least we know we're not quite at the stage where robots will start killing humans. But man, Prague better get some translators before big moonshine chief loses the bid to a country that can actually type in foreign languages.


Friday freedom links

Yes my friends, it's Friday. Freedom and football await. And most importantly, for us here on the West Coast, Cal and Oregon meet on Saturday for what should be one hell of an offensive football game. My prediction - Cal wins 132-97.

On to the links.

The Texas A&M head football coach was doing some rather interesting stuff for wealthy boosters. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Disgraced ND QB Demetrius Jones isn't going to Northern Illinois. He's at Cincinnati for at least a week before he likely transfers again. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

NOIS unloads on Mark Ecko. [NOIS]

Kenny "The Jet" Smith is going to Yahoo(!) to be an NBA "writer." [Awful Announcing]

Tim Hardaway, now a fan of gay people. [Lion in Oil]

Vince Young is one bitter dude. And also a shitty linguist. [Rumors and Rants]

The Brewers' Pee Your Pants idea clearly jinxed them. [Home Run Derby]

And here's a great post on guys wrecking their bats in frustration. [Home Run Derby]

Advertising on eye black? Wow. [Ballsiest]

Guy tries to ban metal bats, gets pounded. [MBSR]

Ah, yes, your weekly insane soccer suspensions. [The Beautiful Game]

How baseball might deal with multiple teams tied in the playoff standings. [I'm Writing Sports]

Everything you ever wanted to know about groin injuries. [Deuce of Davenport]


News Alert: NFL player sued by stripper is not Pacman Jones

I don't know where you go for your news, maybe CNN, maybe whatever paper is in the bathroom stall. I, however, go to Stripper News - a site covering all stripper, hooker, dancer and prostitute related news. Some kind fellow simply posts stories from all over the world about what's going on in stripper land. Naturally athletes tend to show up in about 50% of the stories.

Needless to say I was surprised recently to see that Packers player Al Harris is being sued by a stripper. I was surprised mainly because Al Harris isn't Pacman Jones.

It seems investigators determined that Harris and a stripper had sexual contact in a private room at the Cheetah Pompano Beach in Florida in April 2005. But, citing inconsistent evidence and conflicting witness statements, Broward County prosecutors decided not to pursue charges against Harris.

Needless to say, the stripper wasn't pleased with this result, and filed a lawsuit on Monday against both Harris and the strip club. One small problem may be that surveillance cameras in the club's private room were not functioning during the incident. That sure seems to happen a lot at strip clubs for some strange reason.

I should really say something here like strippers are people too, but who am I kidding, we all know they aren't. Maybe this will be the thing that finally puts a cramp in the Packers style. Or maybe the Packers will just come back to earth because they really aren't that good anyway.


Thursday, September 27, 2007

Old School MLB hazing photos

Well, they're not really that old. A reader passed along to us some rookie hazing photos from 2005, and because I know people love to see pro athletes look like complete idiots, here you go. Another helping of hazing.

These are the Oakland A's rookies. That's Nick Swisher as a plug.

Huston Street, who actually did pitch like a girl this year.

Some Braves rookies. I have no idea who any of them are.

Devil Rays rookies looking sharp. And by sharp I mean gay.

And of course Cano from the Yanks as a cheerleader. I had no idea they made Yankees cheerleading outfits by the way.


Shaq's personal trainer got the better of him

This is one of those posts that creeps into the celebrity range a little bit too much for my taste, but whatever. As we all know, Shaq is getting divorced. Which, when you think about it, isn't real surprising. He's an NBA superstar, which means we can pretty much assume he's cheated on his wife multiple times. And don't worry, there are plenty of rumors about Shaq out there, including Kobe Bryant's "I should have paid her off like Shaq does" line.

But here's the fun part. Apparently the reason they're getting divorced is not just because Shaunie O'Neal had been hiding money and investments. No, apparently she's also been having a raging affair with one of Shaq's personal trainers. Yikes.

According to Janet Charlton's Hollywood, which I've never heard of until today but I assume does top-notch work and is never wrong about anything, had this to say:

When Shaunie fell for this guy she started stashing money away and went so far as to put a secret down payment on a HOUSE that she plans to share with the [guy].

Ah yes, resorting to illegal money stashing to burgeon an affair that your NBA superstar husband doesn't know about always makes things more interesting. If there was a murder involved we'd have a Hollywood script. Or ninjas, that would work too.

Truth be told, I don't really feel bad for anyone in this sordid affair. Well, I guess I do feel bad the personal trainer. He might be in trouble the next time Shaq comes in for a workout, but that shouldn't happen until about February.


The Stanley Cup doesn't get you much attention in England

The NHL seems to have clearly lost its mind at this point. As you may know - wait, why would anyone know this? - the NHL is kicking off its season with a game between the Anaheim Ducks and the LA Kings this weekend in London.

In an attempt to generate some publicity for the event, the Ducks are over there lugging the Cup around London, and the Brits clearly have no clue what the hell is going on. That's probably because hockey ranks somewhere between pub cigarette eating contests and bear baiting in the British sports conciousness.

Here's some great info from The Vancouver Province:

Steve Campbell, a sports fan from northern England, looked baffled as he watched playoff star Ryan Getzlaf lug the Cup across a busy street to pose with his teammates in front of Big Ben.

"I don't really know why they're here, though I do know the NFL is due here next month," he said, referring to a heavily promoted National Football League game between the Miami Dolphins and New York Giants at Wembley Stadium on Oct. 28. "Maybe it's a bit of a promotion due to that, possibly?"

Here was Chris Pronger's take on this shitshow.

"It's a way for us to market and brand our league, and get our sport in front of some new faces and hopefully become more of a global game."

Way to go NHL. People barely even know you exist in the U.S. anymore. And your playoff games get pulled off the air for infomercials. Now you're trying to promote yourself overseas and people either don't know WTF you're doing over there or they associate you with football.

Maybe you should just try and fix things at home.


Thursday links

We've sure been posting an awful lot about port-o-johns and dumps lately. Which of course means we have to pull out our all time favorite picture. Hey, we just give the people what they want.

On to the links.

Chad Henne, the new Wally Pipp. [We Suck at Sports]

This is by far the best Guinness World Record of all time. [Mac G's World]

Athletes are cheating at Florida State? Man, I'm...not surprised in the least. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

There's already a Fire Nick Saban site, and apparently some trustee had words for Major Applewhite at 2 AM. Glad to see education comes first in Alabama. And by "education" I mean "football." [Brahsome]

Milton Bradley turned out to be right. [Rumors and Rants]

The top 5 Sir Charles moments. [Half Court Heave]

A shitty announcer calls out another shitty announcer. [Awful Announcing]


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Let's all go visit Mike Vick's house

Mike Vick has had a pretty bad run of late. And I'm not just talking about the federal dogfighting charges. He's recently been indicted by a Virginia grand jury on state charges and he's being sued by a Canadian bank that he got a loan from.

With Vick's livelyhood being taken away from him as well, he's certainly going to be in some serious financial trouble soon.

But there is hope on the horizon. According to UPI, the Surry County home that played host to the illegal dogfighting operation has become a local tourist attraction.

Across the street at Ferguson Grove Baptist Church, the groundskeeper, John Williams, watched tourists come and go all summer. He told The Virginian-Pilot newspaper that sometimes vehicles backed up half a dozen at a time to look at the house and take photos.

"If half of 'em that come and look at it each took a little bit," Williams said, showing what he meant with his thumb and forefinger - "there wouldn't be nothing left."

Even though Vick technically doesn't own the house anymore, he could at least try and start charging an admission for people to see the place. Maybe call it Ron Mexico's Dogfighting World, and charge $65 for entry. $200 for a yearly pass and a malnourished pit bull.


Play golf and take a dump at the same time

Some inventions are seriously stupid. Yet others are so insanely stupid that they somehow become cool. I'm not sure where this one falls exactly, but it's certainly intriguing.

The object you see to your right is the Potty Putter and it's been around since 2001, supposedly. If that's true, then I guess at least a few people out there own it.

Here's the information about what comes in the box:

No longer will your spouse/partner not have an excuse to putter around the house, at least in the bathroom. The kit includes a putting green, 2 golf balls, a mini-putter, a hole with flag stick and a “Do Not Disturb” sign. Pre-order for an October 5 delivery from Latest Buy with a price of AU $29.95 (~$26.66.)

The Potty Putter of course brings new meaning to the term hole-in-one. By the way, I wonder if Tiger used the Potty Putter when he was taking a dump at the US Open.

According to the internet, which is always right and should never be questioned, there was a real infomercial for this thing back in the day featuring actors and actresses putting with their pants off, which I'm sure was the highlight of all their careers. Unfortunately, no version of the infomercial exists on the internet.

However, here's a video featuring the Potty Putter and some other weird sports inventions that involve relieving yourself - including a portable urinal. Excellent.


Wednesday links

So there was some kind of Mike Vick town hall meeting yesterday. I saw about 5 seconds of it. The message I came away with was, if you want to do dogfighting, you should put boxing gloves on the dogs. At least that's what I thought I heard. But who knows, I was half asleep.

On to the links.

The best football TD celebrations. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]

What you should know about the Vick town hall meeting. [NOIS]

Looking at Rex Grossman's stats compared to other QBs and you begin to realize just how awful he was. Don't worry though, Joey Harrington is still worse than Rex. [The Pig Pen]

Cubes on Dancing With the Stars. [Awful Announcing]

I don't know why, but I find this hilarious. A Detroit undercover news team discovers locals sneaking onto the field at Tiger Stadium and taking BP. That's hard hitting news people. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Show national pride by asking your country's team to be eliminated from the event your nation is hosting. [Lion in Oil]

Curt Schilling hands out his season awards. Naturally he won for biggest douchebag. [Ump Bump]

You can get fired for being too awesome? [Deuce of Davenport]


Kevin Garnett is a lot richer than I ever thought (updated)

UPDATE: The rumor was this place was KG's home. Unfortunately, that appears not to be true. What a shame. Turns out it's just the home of some people who are I guess even richer than KG. It's still worth reading just because this house is insane. Just replace "Kevin Garnett" with "rich old white people" and you'll be fine.

I know Kevin Garnett is a rich, rich man. But he must be pulling in some serious endorsement loot on the side. Why, you ask? Because the man's house in Minnesota is on the market for an obscene $53.5 million. And we're in a housing slump right now.

Good God that's ridiculous. Most high profile athletes have houses somewhere in the range of $5 mil-to-$15 mil, like Alonzo Mourning. A $53 million mansion with 9 bedrooms, two pools (one indoors, one outdoors), and more than a quarter mile of lakeshore is the kind of place a billionaire like Scrooge McDuck lives in. Or Mr. Burns.

Although I think one of our sarcastic-ass readers nailed it on the head - "I thought $55 mil would buy the whole state of Minnesota."

Here are some of the more ridiculous features of the house:

Number of Full Baths: 9
Number of 3/4 Baths: 2
Number of 1/2 Baths: 5

That's right, you can take a dump in a new toilet every day for more than half a month.

Garage Spaces: 12

The man obviously is not concerned about the cost of gas. Or concerned about global warming.

Above Ground Square Feet: 23297 Sq. Ft.
Ground Square Feet: 9164 Sq. Ft.

In addition to the sheer size of the house, there's also 13 acres of property to romp around on. But here's what kills me. The real estate company selling this thing says it's a "single family home." In all seriousness, about 6 families could take up residence in this mansion and you'd never know it. If you want to read all the details, here you go.

Anyway, KG, I salute you. I wish you the best of luck in finding a home as equally ridiculous as this one in the Boston area.

HT: Digg


Another week, another Blog Show

We had a brief feature on this week's Blog Show for the video of Tiger taking a dump at the US Open. Just another example of how classy this blog is. We also seem to have started a disturbing trend on this blog of posts with shit featured in them.

Thanks again to Mottram and Agent Steinz for putting us up on TV so 7 people in the DC area could hear about our work.


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The carnage from rookie hazing week

As some of you may know, it was rookie hazing week last week in baseball. Here are some of the better costumes from around the league. The Pirates may stink on the field, but they are the clear champions of rookie hazing if you ask me, followed closely by the Dodgers.

From Gaslamp Ball, a couple of Pirates rookies. And one totally unnecessary crotch grab.

And another one of some other Pirates rookies. The Leprechaun outfit is awesome by the way.

And one more really uncomfortable Pirates picture for good measure.

Phil Hughes as the tin man, Joba as the cowardly lion.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays rookie players, from left, Jeff Ridgway, Josh Wilson, Justin Ruggiano and Akinori Iwamura in Hooters hot pants and wifebeaters.

From Sons of Steve Garvey, Andy LaRoche.

And also from SofSG, the entire dressed up rookie Dodger squad.

Dice-K and Okijima looking, uh, great.

One of the rookies from my SF Giants. He was forced to wear this during warmups.

Padres Josh Barfield from 2006, but this is one hell of a costume. Image originally came from Sitting Still, which seems to have quite a lot of baseball pictures.

This is also from last year, but it may be the best ever. Rangers rookie John Rheinecker forgot his passport and was unable to make a trip to Toronto, so he was sent home. His punishment was that he had to ride BART after a game in Oakland in a penguin suit. Trust me, as a Bay Area guy, you don't want to have to do anything like this, ever.


Tuesday incoming missile links

I was going to put a picture up, but instead decided to put up a clip of a Japanese game show where if you answer a question wrong, you get missiles fired at you.

On to the links.

Reggie Bush's year just keeps getting worse. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

The Chiefs mascot is a heavy hitter. [Arrowhead Pride]

Buy your Mets NL East Champions T-shirt! Wait a second, they haven't won the division yet. [Ump Bump]

Kid Rock and Tommy Lee may duke it out. Here's hoping they both severely hurt each other. [Larry Brown Sports]

The British are claiming Americans use certain terms to describe soccer that I've never heard of. My favorite random term is bulldogging, because it must involve Ron Mexico in some way. [The Beautiful Game]

NOIS on drugs - in sports. [NOIS]

Some interesting background on Oregon QB Dennis Dixon. [Lion in Oil]

Drew Brees, killing fantasy owners everywhere. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]


Nothing like dropping the F-bomb in a post game interview

Regrettably this was a radio interview, so we can't see this excellent conversation. But it's still great. Arizona State QB Rudy Carpenter casually drops an F-bomb into his post game interview from this past Saturday after beating Oregon State. Then he jets off in the middle of the interview like a complete douchebag to I presume go shag chicks or tap a keg. Classy.

HT: AZ Sports Hub


A tuna melt sandwich, except with a squirrel instead of tuna

Salty D did a post last week wrecking fans of SEC football, and said he'd actually seen people stewing squirrels before games. I was skeptical, but Salty D came through for us. Watch this video he sent us of how to make a squirrel melt. I might have three or four of these this weekend.


Monday, September 24, 2007

Chelsea's new manager has a psychotic wife

UPDATE: It seems the pro-Israel lobby has already pulled the video down off of YouTube and there are no other videos of it. So here's a picture instead. All I can say is it's pretty gross watching someone drink their own urine.
For those of you that follow the EPL, then you're well aware that The Special One recently left Chelsea. The new manager, Avram Grant, isn't anything like the megalomanical Mourinho, but his wife sure as hell is.

Grant's wife, Tzofit, has been such a publicity whore in her native Israel that she seriously rivals Paris Hilton. And now she's come to Stamford Bridge.

Here are just a few of the things she did on TV in Israel:

1. Knocked back a whisky tumbler of her own urine live on air to explore whether or not it had any health benefits. (You can see that in the video above - she's the blond one - along with a ton of other random shit)
2. She appeared with a sadomasochist, allowing herself to be spanked and then accepted his invitation to punch him hard in the face.
3. She sat with a male companion in a bath of spaghetti and tomato sauce while wearing a bathing suit, and they toasted each other with red wine.
4. She turned her hand unashamedly to doing raunchy live interviews in a show called Real Time, going to visit reserve soldiers in military outposts and allowing herself to be depicted taking communal showers with them, and even admiring 'girlie' magazines together.

And there's plenty more. Needless to say, she might just be using her husband to further her own career, whatever that is. Or she might just be completely insane. But whatever, she's certain to provide the British tabloids and soccer bloggers with a lot of bizarre stories. At least until another EPL hooker orgy goes south.


What we learned from Sunday's NFL action

Let's get right to it.

1. Norv Turner is the 2nd worst coach in NFL history to Art Shell. After watching Green Bay beat the Chargers that was all I could think. Yes, Norv's a great offensive coordinator, but he's a dreadful, dreadful head coach. Remember, he coached the Raiders, so I'm well versed in his crappy coaching. This San Diego team really didn't lose anyone from last year, and yet they already have as many loses in three games as they had all of last year. Plus the team looks lost and isn't playing all that hard. That's the coach's fault, period. Look, I think Marty was a playoff choker of the highest caliber, but at least he could get his team to play well in the regular season. Norv can't even do that. For some stupid reason I picked San Diego to win it all this year, even though I know the Pats will actually do that. I should have remembered Norv was coaching this team, which means they'll suck. It's apparent they have issues at wide receiver, but that doesn't excuse this start. Norv sucks.

2. I think it's almost time to label Alex Smith and Cedric Benson busts. Both guys were drafted in the first round of the 2005 Draft and both have been less than stellar. Smith was supposed to finally make that push to becoming a solid NFL QB after two years of improvement. It hasn't happened. If anything, he's regressed. Meanwhile, Benson is a joke. He pouted behind Thomas Jones for two years and now that he's the feature back he's stinking it up. I want to make this incredibly clear as well. I never liked Benson. I never understood why he went 4th in that draft. I always thought that was a stupid pick. But whatever. By the way, go back and take a look at the 2005 NFL Draft, particularly the first round. That first round is horrible. Meanwhile, Frank Gore went in the third round. Think the Bears wish they had Gore instead of Benson? Yeah, so do I.

3. The Bengals probably aren't going anywhere this year. I watched the whole game against Seattle and I think the simple fact is they just can't make key plays. They couldn't make the key plays to win against Cleveland and they couldn't make the key plays to win against Seattle. They have all the tools to be a good team, but they're not. They just don't make the plays when they need to make them. And that's not a good thing.

4. Tom Brady is going to have the best QB rating in league history and will bitch slap many other QB records. He's basically completeing 80% of his passes, his O-line is playing great and he has a stable of wide receivers complete with a happy Randy Moss. Everyone who said "Peyton Manning is the best QB in the league" after Manning won the Super Bowl last year is going to have to rethink that stupid-ass comment by the end of this season.

5. The Cowboys are clearly the class of the NFC. Sure their defense isn't great, but whatever, it's the NFC. They have a great offense, Romo is truly starting to become a top flight QB, and the team has obviously gained something by losing Parcells and adding Phillips. Plus offensive coordinater Jason Garrett has been pretty creative so far and T.O. appears to have gone back in time to his 49ers days, except without the attitude.

6. Just when you think you've got everything figured out, it turns out you know nothing. I thought Philly would fold and St. Louis would win.

7. But there are still some automatics. The Browns returned to proper form, the Bills are 0-3, and Joey Harrington can't win period, even when he plays well.

And lastly...

8. Rex should never start another game in his life.


You can change your name, but you still suck

It's well known that English soccer fans are a bit nuts. And this post will do nothing to change that. A group of perpetually horrible soccer players who play for the Lynam Athletic club in the Birmingham Coronation League Alliance Division 3 (translation: a pub league) have decided to try something interesting to change their fortunes since they were the worst team in the league last year. Here's what they did:

The team needed an inspirational way to strike fear into their opposition - so they ALL officially changed their names by deed poll (English term for changing one's name) to professional footballers for the start of this season. With Peter Cech in goal and a back four of Paulo Maldini, Cafu, John Terry and Fabio Cannavaro - their defence sounds like a force to be reckoned with. And the appetising prospects of a midfield of Steven Gerrard, Ronaldinho, Kaka and Christiano Ronaldo would have any manager licking his lips. Thierry Henry and Ruud van Nistelrooy make up the front line but unfortunately, all are merely a bunch of IT workers from the West Midlands.

That means Ronaldinho no longer looks like a horse, but instead a pasty fat white guy with a beer gut. While the new Ronaldinho doesn't have anywhere near the soccer skills of his original namesake, he at least can give the name a slight upgrade in the looks department.

Now the only tough part is getting Henry and Nistelrooy to quit smoking.

Hey, at least they didn't name themselves this.


Monday commie links

On Friday we got some hits from a site that surprised the hell out of me. That site was Naturally I assumed they were either bashing us for warping young kids' minds or they had linked our athletes with illegitimate kids post in order to rail on immoral athletes. But I was wrong, instead they linked our post on the top 25 Rickey Henderson stories. And put a weird family graphic beside the link. WTF? What in the hell does Rickey have to do with family values? The link is so out of place on the page there's literally no description for it except bizarre. What's even funnier is that our blog was linked on the site at all. I'm a commie, Dwyermaker is a committed anarchist, and both of us think Salty D is either a facist or a South American guerilla freedom fighter. And we all have family ties to the IRA.

Anyway, on to the links.

If you watched the Georgia/Alabama game like I did, then you heard Mike Patrick make the oddest remark maybe in announcing history. [The Blog of an African Nerd]

I missed this last week, but apparently Scottie Pippen's broke ass will be playing in Finland this year for less than 6 figures. Wow. [Say Hey]

This either the best jersey ever or the worst jersey ever. I say best. [Pop Jocks]

There are a few guys that are striking out at a record pace this year. Anyone care? [Ump Bump]

Getting rid of the knee brace is what freed McNabb. [NOIS]

Is 0-8 really a possibility for Notre Dame? Yes sir. [Larry Brown Sports]

People are sleeping on Ohio State. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]

Mark Buehrle bags himself a bear. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

MBSR always does what can only be described as unique live blogs. [My Brain Says Rage]


Monkey got mad hops

Yes, I know we're YouTube heavy today, but what do you want us to do? Write some long ass piece on the intricacies of the Colts win over the Texans? Hell no. You want monkeys dunking. And we have that for you.


Real Life Donkey Kong

This video really needs no explanation. It's Donkey Kong brought to life. Complete with bleeped out swears!


Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sign this kid to a contract pronto

I know a bunch of you are ready for today's NFL action. As am I. But I'm always on the lookout for new talent, trying to find tomorrow's stars today. And this kid has it. Sheer raw power and the ability to kill anything in his path. Of course it helps when anything in his path happens to be a much smaller kid with a towel over his head who's standing prone, but I like what this fat kid brings. A sheer disregard for human life. He's like a young Ray Lewis.


What we learned from Saturday's college football action

Another good Saturday of college football, with of course those bizarre Thursday and Friday games thrown in as well. Rather than goof around, might as well just get into what we learned from the games.

1. LSU has a weakness, and his name is Matt Flynn. It may sound weird, but it's true. LSU's offense looked stagnant at times and watching Flynn for the second time in a complete game I wasn't real impressed. He's slow and not particularly accurate. Yes I know he has a bad ankle, but he's not suddenly going to transform into Vince Young, plus his lack of passing accuracy has nothing to do with his damn ankle. Also, anyone who watched this game from start to finish knows this game was closer than the score indicated. Plus, in the third quarter Flynn threw a duck into the middle of the field that Emanuel Cook dropped that would have been an automatic TD, and would have made the score 21-14. Instead there was the punt, and Spurrier going for it on 4th down (a call I totally agreed with) and then LSU going up 28-7. Flynn did run the best play in college football so far this year, with that blind over the shoulder flip to the kicker, but he's really this team's Achilles heel. The announcers for the game even talked about if Flynn was capable of winning a game for LSU if need be - and they weren't sure he could do it. If LSU loses a game this year, and I now really think they will, it'll be because of Flynn - without question.

2. USC is clearly the best team in football. They have no weaknesses whatsoever. The one question about this team was Booty. Forget it. Booty let it fly tonight and was unreal with the exception of one INT. The simple truth is this. USC's defense is unreal. Their O-line is the best in college football and they have a backfield that's like something out of a fantasy league on steroids. Their QB can win games for them and they collectively know how to win and play in big games - both home and away. They are simply awesome to watch play. In reality, their only weakness may be themselves. As an announcer said during their game against Wash St., the only thing that will stop USC is if they lose their focus. And I agree. But the danger for opponents is this. USC let its guard down twice last year, and they should have won both those games. I seriously doubt they'll let that happen again. If this team stays focused, they should beat every team they play by a decent margin, including LSU, Florida, Oklahoma, Cal, and the Philadelphia Eagles. That said, the one game to keep your eye on is the USC/Cal game. Cal has consistently played USC close these past few years.

3. The Irish have had their worst start in their 119 year history. I know you know that, but I just enjoy writing it.

4. Michigan is back, sort of. I'm sure you all noticed Michigan came alive on the same day that Appalachian St. lost for the first time in like 8 years. Karma? Coincidence? I don't know. But Michigan managed to get those two bad losses out of their heads and they're now starting to do some serious work in the Big-10. Which is clearly an overrated conference by the way. I think Michigan will get absolutely crushed by Ohio St., but it's good to see them back. Although they can't go to the national championship, they can win the Big-10, and they're playing like that's exactly what they plan on doing.

5. Unlike Salty D, I have nothing against the SEC. The SEC is the best conference in college. Ole Miss put up quite the fight against Florida proving again that the conference is stacked and there are no easy games. Any team that makes it through this conference undefeated should be playing in the national championship.

6. Oklahoma needs to play some real fucking team. They schedule cupcakes and play in a weak conference. Then they put up 80 points against Loserville University and bitch and moan that they aren't ranked higher. Fuck you. LSU and Florida are likely to have played 5 ranked teams by the end of the regular season. For USC it'll likely be 4. For Oklahoma it'll be one big game at Texas, and 2 bottom top-25 teams at home. That just isn't the same as what the other three teams have to go through. LSU and Florida have to play each other and USC plays at Cal, and already demolished Nebraska on the road. Oklahoma may be real good, but they should play more than just Texas every year to prove that. Otherwise, Oklahoma will be just like they were in 2004 - a smoke and mirrors team that gets seriously violated when invited to the national championship game.

7. Brian Brohm and Graham Harrell need some defensive help. How can two guys combined throw for 1,100 yards and both lose?! Harrell's stat line was insane - 45/65, 645 yds, 5 TD, 0 INT. And he fucking lost! Brohm didn't exactly have a bad day either, throwing for 555 yds and 4 TDs. I feel bad for Brohm, seeing as his Heisman hopes are shot due to a defense that's worse than the Bengals D on a bad day. But I really feel for Harrell. I mean, there's almost no way you can play better than he did today. Get that man some defensive help.

8. There is a God, because Nick Satan lost at home.


The Navy Goat gonna knock you out

Is there anything better than a mascot lip synching the words to LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out"? Yes, have that said mascot recreate the video, do a little breakdance, and deck a few dudes in the process. Pure gold.


Saturday, September 22, 2007

OJ gets axed from UFC fight

OJ's had a lot of trouble of late doing just about everything. And it seems just about no place wants him to be anywhere near their business. OJ not that long ago got thrown out of a steakhouse, which I guess makes a lot of sense considering no one wants him to have a knife in his hands.

But now he's also being denied access to UFC fights. According to multiple MMA web sites, OJ's entourage (he has an entourage?) asked for free tickets to UFC Fight Night at the Palms Casino in Vegas this past Wenesday.

And OJ got denied.

There's a question as to who actually denied him the tickets, the Palms or UFC, but either way that's awesome. The fact that OJ can't even get a ticket to what is the most violent mainstream sport going on right now just seems like poetic justice.


One cheeky ball boy

This video clip is only a day old, but has already had in the range of half a million hits. I realize it's soccer, but I'm always up for seeing an English ballboy absolutely humiliate an Italian player.


Friday, September 21, 2007

Taser week comes to a less than shocking close

It's been quite a week for taserings, and if you somehow thought "Maybe I can make it to the weekend before someone gets tasered again" then you thought wrong.

Junior linebacker Geno Hayes and senior fullback Joe Surratt of Florida State were arrested early Friday at a bar called Potbelly's near the campus. Police said Hayes had to be subdued with a Taser and Surratt struck a police officer. Both have been suspended.

Officers were on duty outside the bar looking for underage drinkers when they noticed a man later identified as Hayes screaming profanities and waving his arms, a police report said. When officers tried to talk to him, Hayes became aggressive.

Hayes was pulled away by his friends, but he resisted when officers then tried to handcuff him, leading an officer to stun him with his Taser, police said.

This isn't good news for Florida State, seeing as Hayes is the team's second leading tackler. But it's great news if you enjoy reading about people getting tasered.

Anyway, Hayes now joins the wonderful fraternal order of athletes who've been tasered. Some members include: former Vikings wideout Travis Taylor (nightclub incident), Dale Davis (hotel lobby freakout), hockey stars/goons Bob Probert and Rudy Poeschek (the latter for driving over lawns and mailboxes while his five-year-old daughter was in his car), Maurice Clarett (vodka induced rampage), DerMarr Johnson (for getting his mac on), fromer Bengal A.J. Nicholson (hiding in the bushes while drunk in college), Scott Olsen (drunk driving then fighting cops), and former Dolphin Fred Evans (had to be tasered TWICE, and still managed to bite a cop).

But that aside, it's good to see more athletes getting in on the recent Taser action, rather than just douchebag college kids and jackass rednecks. I was afraid point guard Levance Fields of Pitt was going to be the only athlete Tasered this week.

I'm not going to hit you with any of the Taser videos you're expecting. I'll just let you listen to this guy who advises you take an ass-whupping over the Taser.


Bob Uecker - Future WWE Hall of Famer

I didn't know this, but apparently the WWE - formerly the WWF - actually has a Hall of Fame. Yes, that sounds ridiculous to me as well.

Anyway, there's a grueling induction process for getting in. Ok, I made that up, but some of the wrestlers up for induction next year include Rick Rude and Ted DiBiase. And also Bob Uecker. What?

Yes, Uecker used to be a WWE sideline reporter who would frequently get pummeled by pissed off wrestlers who displaced their anger on him. So in early celebration of what I'm sure will be the crowning moment of Uecker's career, here's a look back at Andre the Giant strangling Uecker as he attempts to find Vanna White for some reason.


Friday links

It's a slow Friday. But that's ok, because a weekend of football is almost here.

On to the links.

SPORTSbyBROOKS has the story on the woman who invaded the sumo ring, and a great pic. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

NOIS takes on Notre Dame. [NOIS]

And the NFL. [NOIS]

A goodbye to RFK. [My Brain Says Rage]

Some background info on Erin Andrews. [Awful Announcing]

GoDaddy and Ocho Cinco, together at last. [Lion in Oil]

Dwayne Jarrett is not having the best of rookie seasons. [Rumors and Rants]

The guys help you get out of debt, through football betting of course. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]


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