Carl rips the Mitchell Report and bloggers

For anybody who reads this site regularly, it shouldn't come as any surprise to you that I'm a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. How "Frat Aliens" didn't get an Emmy nomination, I'll never know. Anyway, here's Carl going off about the small number of Red Sox players that turned up in the Mitchell Report, and he also takes a shot at bloggers.

Why? I'll let Carl explain, but it involves a blog suggesting Derek Jeter did something inappropriate with Whitey Ford. Which of course is true, because blogs never lie.

-WCK

Roger Clemens got off easy

Even as a life-long San Francisco Giants fan, it certainly seemed to me that one of the best arguments out there that Bonds had definitely used steroids was that he was actually more productive in his late 30s and early 40s than he had been in his mid-20s. Naturally, when the BALCO case exploded, this clinched it for most of the public. Bonds had used steroids, period.

As a result, the cacophony of boos, chants, taunts, signs, etc., etc., that Bonds faced during every road game as he chased Aaron's record was almost unreal. I'm still impressed that he managed to break the record under such difficult circumstances.

But what always bothered me during Bonds' home run chase was how hard people went after him, especially when he had never tested positive for steroids and wasn't yet on his way to a federal perjury trial. He was killed in the court of public opinion before technically being guilty, just like McGwire and Sosa. Meanwhile, Clemens, who also fit the steroids M.O. to a T, basically got off scot-free.

Of course, people will say the rage directed at Bonds was primarily due to the fact that he was connected to BALCO, while Clemens was not. There's certainly some truth to that. It also helped that Bonds was chasing baseball's defining record, while Clemens was not.

But for Clemens, the same signs were there for the court of public opinion to judge. It wasn't quite at the BALCO level, but it sure was close.

Clemens was incredibly productive late in his career. He beefed up substantially after Dan Duquette said Clemens was "past his prime." He went nuts and threw a bat at Mike Piazza. Baseball writers openly speculated if Clemens had used steroids. And perhaps most damning of all, former pitcher Jason Grimsley in late 2006 named Clemens as a player who used performance enhancing drugs.

When you line up both Bonds and Clemens, according to the strict letter of the law, neither had ever tested positive for anything at the time these separate instances broke - BALCO and Grimsley's admission.

Yet everyone began bashing Bonds incessantly after BALCO, while no one really jumped on Clemens after multiple signs that he too was a user.

The reasons why Bonds got the raw end of the deal are of course limitless. It has to do with the home run record, it has to do with race, it has to do with the mistaken belief that steroids wouldn't really be beneficial for picthers to use, it has to do with the media, it has to do with the fact that Bonds is a bigger jerk than Clemens (barely), etc.

Now, the public has essentially the same proof on Clemens that they used to bash Bonds with. Again, for neither man is there proof of a positive test, but documents that say Clemens got steroid shots in the butt should be viewed on the same level as BALCO.

But for Clemens, he isn't going to have to deal with people coming after him, because he's probably never going to play again.

He should have gotten killed in the court of public opinion just as hard as Bonds did. But for whatever reasons, he didn't.

He got off easy.

-WCK

The 756 asterisk, now on actual baseball cards

We're all aware that the 756 ball that Bonds hit is eventually going to get branded, you know, once Marc Ecko decides to stop using it as a gimmick to sell his crappy clothes.

But now that asterisk is starting to turn up in other places as well.

Upper Deck is now taking shots at Bonds - who just so happens to be a Topps spokesman. Upper Deck recently released their annual "sweet spot autographs" line which sells for $100+ per pack, but each pack contains the signature of one current baseball star on a cowhide insert card. They usually look like this.

But I'm guessing you know what appeared on the 756 card.


Yep, one huge asterisk.

So far, three collectors have found an asterisk card. One of the asterisk cards sold Monday night on eBay for $955 after drawing 41 bids. A second card appeared and was bought immediately for $1200. There's one more left up on eBay, should you be much wealthier than I am.

Upper Deck claims that these cards weren't intended for distribution, which naturally begs the question: "Then why did you make them?"

At this point though, it doesn't really seem to matter anyway. If Bonds is ultimately found guilty of perjury, or gets named in the Mitchell Report, I wouldn't be surprised to see the public just cut to the chase and tattoo an asterisk onto his head.

-WCK

Some gross Christmas presents for you

A little while back, you may have heard that Mike Lowell's game used jock-strap got pulled off of eBay for being "adult-oriented material."

Well, there's more stuff available again.

Some dude named Phil Castinetti of a shop called SportsWorld in Saugus, MA has gotten his hands on a large collection of Red Sox All-Star underwear and he’s selling everything on eBay. And if you think that's gross, this is even worse. The rag of choice in Beantown, The Boston Herald, says that at the end of the season, the Sox throw stuff like this out and some enterprising dumpster-diving Fenway employees retrieved all of it. It's not pretty, but it pays the bills.

The bidding and selling of the items has been bizarre to say the least.

While Jason Varitek's spandex underwear went for $255, seldom used Matt Clement - who didn't make an appearance in 2007 - had his spandex underwear go for $430.

Equally strange is that Manny Ramirez's famous 'do rag has only gotten up to only $26 on bidding so far. And no one wants Manny's spandex underwear, which is stuck at $9.99.

Of course, people normally bid on items right before their time is set to expire, but I don't think anyone really wants Manny's stuff. I'm convinced he hasn't taken a shower in 3 years.

Papelbon's spandex is also available, in case you were wondering. And I know you weren't.

On the plus side though, at least this means Red Sox Nation's Christmas shopping will be done soon.

-WCK

19th century ballplayers uncensored

I've never really thought much about how 19th century baseball players would voice their displeasure with each other, but I always assumed it'd be something like this:

Good sir, I believe you tried to imprint your cleats upon my shin. I trust you shan't do that again.

But I was wrong, dead wrong. Robert Edward Auctions, which is a seriously high-brow baseball collectibles company, got their hands on an 1898 MLB document that is rife with expletives. It seems at the time, MLB wanted players to avoid using "any indecent or obscene word, sentence, or expression" on the field (or have directed at fans). So they sent a out a league-wide document that gave examples of what they didn't want players saying. Here are some of the "brutal" things they didn't want to hear, and remember, this was a league-wide, uncensored, document that was sent out.

"You cock-sucking son of a bitch!"

"A dog must have fucked your mother when she made you!"

"You cunt-lapping dog!"

"I fucked your mother, your sister, your wife!"

"I'll make you suck my ass!"

You know, I don't remember hearing any of those expressions in the Ken Burns baseball documentary. If you want to read the full document in detail, here's the first part, and here's the second part.

And so you can get your full 19th century fix, here's that clip of Conan at an 1864 baseball game. You should have told the hurler what you did to his mother last night, Conan.



-WCK

The Role of a Lifetime

As a Giants fan, and an illegal substances fan, I was naturally excited to learn that HBO is planning on making a Barry Bonds movie. Here's the recent press release:

HBO Films is developing a movie about embattled baseball player Barry Bonds and has tapped director Ron Shelton (Bull Durham, Tin Cup, White Men Can't Jump) to helm and pen the script with his Tin Cup writing partner John Norville, once the writers' strike is over.

The movie will be based on Game of Shadows, but will be focused specifically on Bonds - or at least it better be. Of course, now the question is who will play the role of the most infamous steroid user in history? That's a question I will attempt to answer here by looking at the pros and cons of a number of actors.

1. Denzel Washington
Pro: Great actor.
Con: Must gain about 125 lbs.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Pro: Has great experience with steroid use.
Con: Not black.


3. Forest Whitaker
Pro: Has a history of playing psychotic prima donnas.
Con: Fat.


4. The dude from the Bronx is Burning
Pro: Has played a controversial, introverted baseball superstar.
Con: I have no clue who he is.


5. Vin Diesel
Pro: Is bald and ripped.
Con: May be indicted for steroid use during filming.


6. Mike Tyson
Pro: Has same voice as Bonds.
Con: Not an actor, also might eat children.


7. Barry Bonds
Pro: Remarkable physical similarities.
Cons: Major jackass, would probaby want multi-year contract.

If they can somehow get Morgan Freeman to play Dusty Baker and William H. Macy to play Selig, I'll definitely watch it.

UPDATE: Bugs and Cranks did a great post on a potential Bonds movie cast back in August.

-WCK

Baseball's only woman umpire gets dumped, under suspicious circumstances

Almost three months ago we did a post on Ria Cortesio, the only female umpire in pro baseball. Cortesio's been in A and AA ball for nine years, and has umped an MLB exhibition game, but never an official MLB game. And now she'll never get there. She was dumped by the Professional Baseball Umpire Corporation a few days ago in the rather unceremonious way that the PBUM fires people. By cell phone. Must be because of all those fired umpires that went on killing sprees back in the day.

Anyway, as some people have noted, Cortesio's long stint in the minors suggested she was never going to make the pros. Most minor league umpires either move up or get fired long before nine years have passed.

That may be true, but there's also something odd about how she was fired.

Cortesio started this past season as the top-ranked umpire in all of Double-A. If there had been an opening in Triple-A, it would've been hers. That would obviously suggest that she's good at what she does.

However, there were no vacancies and when the new ratings by minor league supervisors came out in midseason, her ranking substantially dropped. A move up to AAA would have greatly changed her status, since umpires in AAA are under the auspices of major league supervisors.

So what happened? Unfortunately, no one knows, except PBUM of course. Perhaps they just got tired of her hanging around for so long. Or maybe she had a bad year. But it seems odd that the best umpire in AA would drop so dramatically in the time span of half a season.

There have been six female umpires in the affiliated minor leagues, and none have made the majors. Pam Postema spent several years in Triple-A during the 1980s; after being fired, she filed a sex discrimination suit against baseball and settled out of court almost 6 years later.

Cortesio said she had not decided whether to pursue legal action.

-WCK

I'd like a parking pass and a masking agent please

It's always great when the NYT makes an appearance here on the blog. Provides a nice break from photos of a dog humping another dog wearing a Mike Vick jersey.

Anyway, the paper of record has a story that I don't really think will surprise anyone, but it speaks to the problems still facing baseball. Apparently MLB has continued to employ a drug-testing procedure that may allow players time to mask their use of performance-enhancing drugs. May allow? Oh, it allows, no question.

Drug testers contracted by the league routinely alert team officials a day or more before their arrival at ballparks for what is supposed to be random, unannounced testing of players. By eliminating the surprise factor, antidoping experts say the practice undermines the integrity of the testing program.

Something tells me those antidoping experts might be on to something.

Advance notice of only a few hours can provide the opportunity for a player to dilute their urine, use a masking agent or employ a device that allows them to fill their bladders with drug-free urine. Or if they're really pressed for time, they can use the Wizzinator.

The way this alert system works is that the night before testers arrive at major league stadiums to take urine samples from players, officials for the home team receive a call from the testing company requesting stadium and parking passes for the drug testers. This procedure is not outlined in the league’s 48-page testing policy, which baseball promotes as one of the toughest in sports.

That doesn't exactly sound real tough to me. In fact, in sounds like the testing companies and MLB teams are in cahoots.

According to Robert Manfred, baseball’s vice president for labor relations and the official who oversees the sport’s drug-testing programs, team officials are not supposed to tell players that tests will be conducted. But naturally that rarely happens. Multiple anonymous sources from MLB teams told the NYT they receive notice often as early as two days before a test and pass on the info.

Frankly, I don't care if guys are on performance-enhancing drugs or not, because sports are merely entertainment for the masses. But since I'm in the minority on that opinion, I guess I should advise MLB to get a little tougher and close this massive, glaring loophole. I think giving testers year round parking passes so they, you know, don't have to "wink, wink" call in advance for them would be a decent start.

-WCK

A different way to get your hands on World Series tickets

You can never really trust Craigslist ads, since it's possible someone could just be posting something as a joke. But for some reason, I sort of believe this one.

Some woman in Colorado has a proposal out there for an interested party. She's got 4 tickets to the World Series in Colorado, but isn't really interested in going. So she'll swap the tickets with you provided you pay for her boob-job.

I was one of the lucky ones and got world series tickets. I have 4 tickets in hand, but honestly would like to get my boobs enhanced....=-)If it helps here is a desricption of me, I am Italian 5'4 125 lbs, long beautiful hair, pretty face...just a little small in the breast area.... I know this sounds shallow, but I figure someone out there would like to go to the game more than me. Tickets are lower level, and I have 4....make me an offer I can't refuse....or we can make a transaction at the plastic surgeons office of my choice here in Denver....plus I will send you before and after photos!! =-) Best wishes to all......

I like how she'll send before and after pictures, just so you can see where your money went. The interesting thing is that it may actually be cheaper to buy her the boob-job than actually buy the tickets straight up. World Series tickets have gone for as high as $1,400 this year. A boob-job, when it's all said and done, usually ranges from $4,000 to $10,000. So if she's up for a cheaper job, you might actually save money. That seems like a good deal for everyone.

-WCK

Everything's coming up Red Sox

Considering I'm not pulling for the Red Sox in the World Series at all, it pains me to write this post. But what can I do. The Nation is out in force doing comical and stupid things. And it's my job to bring you that news. The man you see above is Mr. Cedric Baar. He's actually a Yankees fan who lives in Rockland, Massachusetts. However, when his beloved Yankees lost in the ALDS, he decided to hitch his wagon to the Tribe in a bet to beat the Red Sox. Needless to say he lost the bet. Naturally, most people who lose a bet and have to wear a dress like to pay their price without a TV camera in their face. But Barr was unlucky, because it must have been a slow news day and Fox shoved a camera in his face to get a thrilling interview. And here's the worst thing. It's not like he was only subject to abuse on Tuesday. No sir. He also has to be out on the street in Rockland again from 5-6pm on Thursday and Friday. Sweet.

And in other Red Sox related news, 7 fans who allegedly threw bottles and rocks at police after Sunday's ALCS Game 7 were sentenced to each write a 5-page essay explaining what they have learned from their experience of being arrested. My guess would be run faster. But don't worry, this isn't as easy a sentence it seems like. I'm not sure any of them can write.

-WCK

Terry Francona needs some help with physics

This floating ball must be a knuckleball because they're lighter.

Bill Simmons once wrote a column where he said that he thought baseball players were the dumbest of all professional athletes. I'd have to say I agree with him. And that's because when it comes to physics and baseball, most baseball players seem to harken back to the equivalent of the pre-Galileo days.

Here was an excellent nugget of infomation that Tim McCarver passed along to viewers after Casey Blake launched that mammoth home run off of Wakefield.

One thing Francona was telling us before the game is that a knuckleball is so light, that if you make crisp contact with it, it will fly.

Wow. The stupidity alarm is exploding right now. So Francona believes that the weight of a baseball somehow gets lighter if it's a knuckleball? While curve balls clearly gain weight. God, Francona's statement is so dumb it makes my head hurt. I guess Francona has more important things to worry about right now than gravity, considering Boston is down 3-1 in the series.

But my question is why do announcers let guys get away with shit like this? Sure McCarver's a former player, but shouldn't Buck step in and say, "That's ridiculous."

Did you know managers used to think you couldn't have a knuckleballer throw in a domed stadium because there was no wind? That's brutal, but true. And you constantly hear announcers who say "look at the late break on that ball." Curve balls don't break. Sliders don't break. No pitches break. If a pitcher could throw a ball that could travel 55 feet in a straight line, and then break a foot down into the dirt, no one would ever get a hit. Curve balls, sliders, splitters all do what they do because they're on a set path once they leave a pitcher's hand. It's an optical illusion that they break late or do something "magic." Let's take a look at the trajectory of a curve ball.

Anyone see a massive break at the end? Because I sure as hell don't. Selig should just force every baseball player to take a class in physics so we don't have to hear any more of these asinine comments by managers and announcers. Because seriously, I felt stupider after hearing Francona's thoughts on the knuckleball.

-WCK

Tuesday "I'm a believer" links

The Rockies have saved me from my wicked ways. I will never again doubt wild card teams that come from the NL West. Once again the Rockies made all the right moves, including a balls of steel move by Hurdle to bring in a rookie pinch hitter in the bottom of the 4th. Naturally he blooped a 1-2 pitch to left for a double. And you knew it was going to happen. It was like God preordained it, including the subsequent D-Backs error that lead to 4 more runs. That's the weird thing about the Rockies. They're literally playing on another plane, and it's actually tangible. While Boston fans piss and moan and expect failure, this Rockies team exudes such a unreal level of confidence that even casual observers watching this team play have a firm belief that they'll win. And they do, over and over and over again. And are they going to win the World Series? Hell yes they are. Forget the "they'll be off for too many days" excuse (besides, teams with 5 days off or more going into a World Series are 7 for 10 at winning it) or the "what if they lose a game?" question. It doesn't matter anymore. This team is winning it all. Period.

On to the links.

An interview with Michael David Smith. [Larry Brown Sports]

I didn't watch much of the MNF game, but Jimmy Kimmel was pretty good. [Awful Announcing]

NOIS's top 10 college football rankings. [NOIS]

Tales of Brett Favre's drinking days. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Mac G's World really nailed the Pederson firing. [Mac G's World]

MBSR gets back to its roots. [My Brain Says Rage]

Not sports related but in 5 years you could be bumping uglies with a robot. I'm not sure I can wait that long. [Brahsome]

It's been a tough 99 years. [Home Run Derby]

Those Frank TV commercials are mercifully gone now. [Lion in Oil]

-WCK

And then the floodgates opened

Early morning thoughts on last night's 11th inning beatdown by the Tribe on the Sox.

• Gotta credit the Indians for absolutely gutting the Red Sox bullpen. The Sox obviously have a fearsome bullpen centered around Timlin, Okajima and Papelbon. But if you can hang around long enough and get their quality pitchers out of the game, ultimately you'll get to someone on the staff who stinks. It'll also be interesting to see how these excess relief innings take a toll on the bullpens of both teams in the series.
  
• Also speaking of stinking, I don't think we'll see the Sox go to Eric Gagne ever again, even if they play an 18-inning game. He's like the anti-rabbit's foot now. While watching the game I was thinking the Red Sox have to end this thing while Papelbon was on the mound. If the Indians manage to get to Gagne, this thing's over. And man was it ever over after he entered.
• By the way, some credit needs to go out to the Tribe's bullpen as well.
  
• I was watching the game with a guy who said to me at one point, why aren't the Indians using Trot Nixon? I didn't have a good answer. Then Wedge brought him in as a pinch hitter and he got what turned out to be the game winning hit. Which shows Wedge knows exactly what he's doing.
  
• I'm going to respectfully disagree with Mr. Shanoff on his call about the winner of Game 2 being the eventual winner of the series. Personally, I think Game 3 is likely to determine the series because now that both teams have thrown their aces, it's time to see what the B-team can do. Dice-K has been anything but great of late, but Cleveland's staff has a steep drop off after Sabathia and Carmona. It's probably trite to pick Game 3 as the defining game, but it really seems the most logical call. And that's because whoever loses Game 3 may dip into the dreaded pitcher-on-three-days-rest bag, which is almost always a loser. Unless you have Josh Beckett, who is quickly becoming a one-man postseason wrecking crew.

-WCK

Maybe it wasn't God who's been helping the Rockies

The Rockies were tied for the 2nd best home record in major league baseball this year, and considering they haven't lost on the road yet this postseason, they may never lose again.

But although the Rockies are known by the nickname of the Blake Street Bombers, Colorado has been becoming a tougher place to play, and that's not just because the Rockies are now a better team.

Since 2002, the Rockies have been storing baseballs in a humidor. The idea was to make Colorado less of a home run haven and more like other ballparks. That way the Rockies would be better able to adjust to playing on the road. And it came not from God, but from the Rockies' staff engineer who figured balls that were drying out in Colorado's dry climate were putting them out of major league specs, so the team created a humid environment for them. They use 50 percent humidity to keep the balls from shrinking and losing their grain.

As a result, baseballs that used to be slick as a cue ball - and made it tough for pitchers to throw breaking balls - are now like they would be at any other ballpark.

And naturally home runs have dropped. In 2001, the Rockies gave up 239 home runs. Since then in 2002 they gave up 225, in 2003 - 200, in 2004 - 198, in 2005 - 175, in 2006 - 155, and this year - 164. Team pitching is obviously better from before the humidor days. Major league baseball is also keeping track of how things go and may ultimately use the idea in Arizona as well, given the excessively dry climate there. Which is somewhat ironic, considering these teams are playing each other in the NLCS.

If the Rockies are really smart, then they're only giving the humidified baseballs to their pitchers. God would definitely approve.

-WCK

LeBron dooms the Indians

LeBron clearly committed a major PR blunder when he showed up at Game 1 of the Indians/Yankees series wearing a Yankees cap. Kenny Lofton even called it "a stab in the back." Well, LeBron's support didn't help much of course, seeing as the Yankees lost in 4 and his buddy Derek Jeter had probably the worst series of any player.

So what's LeBron doing now? Why he's switching his allegiance back to the Indians for the ALCS.

“Cleveland's going to win," he said.

Am I allowed to wager everything I own on the Sox? Because I smell the kiss of death for Cleveland.

"Like I said before, if there's got to be one team to beat New York, I want it to be Cleveland. If Cleveland does the same thing to (Boston) like they did to New York, they have a great chance to win the World Series."

That's great LeBron, always nice to make your home town feel like a second class citizen. Here's another great bit of info as well. If LeBron attends the ALCS, he said he'll probably wear a Tribe cap.

You know what, do the people of Cleveland a favor and just don't show up at all.

-WCK

But do you really want to be seen with Sen. Chris Dodd?

I've actually interned at the US Senate in the past. It's a interesting place to say the least. And if you're like me, then sometimes the only way you can tell if someone is important on the Hill is if they're surrounded by reporters or staff members. That's Sen. Chris Dodd in a nutshell. Until I worked on Capitol Hill, I never could have picked him out of a police lineup.

A few of you may also know that he's running for president in 2008. I hate to break it to many of you, but he's not going to win. But that hasn't stopped him from trying. He's now looking to bribe you for your support via Red Sox tickets.

Next Thursday at 5 P.M. Eastern, he's going to pick one entrant at random, live and online, to attend Game Six with him that Saturday. He's actually putting up two tickets so you can bring a guest, $600 towards airfare, and a hotel room in Boston.

But naturally there's a catch. You have to make a minimum contribution to his campaign of $20.04 (in honor of the last time the Red Sox won the World Series) to be in the drawing. Of course.

Something tells me that Dodd is going to be spending more money than he'll actually be making from this stunt.

By the way, if you want to know why I have such a strong distaste for politics, then this would be a great example. I'm sure you're wondering though, since Dodd has already jinxed the Red Sox into getting swept or losing in 5, what will the lucky winner get as a backup prize?

you and your guest are invited to spend a day on the Presidential campaign trail with Senator Dodd in Iowa or New Hampshire.

You know what, I'm going to hang on to my $20.04

-WCK

Time to bury the Yankees, literally

Gizmodo came across an interesting product yesterday that seems better suited for today. It's MLB urns and funeral caskets. The Yankees might as well stick Chien-Ming Wang in a casket after his two hideous starts in the divisional series. Here's hoping they can cram Clemens in there as well.

Anyway, the company is called Eternal Image and they only have eight teams right now. But don't worry Toronto Blue Jays fans, soon you too will be able to be buried in an ultra tacky casket or urn that will make people laugh at your remains. We've already seen similar crap for college football fans.

I already buried my San Francisco Giants in about May, so I'm afraid I have no use for either of these lame products.

Interestingly, the company also has a deal with the American Kennel Club, so you can get an urn for your dead dog. Michael Vick would like to buy 40 of them.

-WCK

Kevin Doran is the new Steve Bartman

Baseball players and fans are highly superstitious. So the last thing you want to do when your team hasn't been to the World Series in 14 years is jinx them. Some people might think Charlie Manuel did that last night when he accidentally said "Tomorrow's very important for us to lose." Don't worry Charlie, you were already jinxed. The Chicago Cubs have Steve Bartman, now Philly fans have Kevin Doran. Doran, who is the Venues editor of Penn State's newspaper The Daily Collegian, penned an article about the Phillies for the October 1st edition. As you can see above, it was just a bit off.

Man, where the hell were the copy editors?

The paper made a correction on Tuesday, desperate to change the fate of the already doomed Phillies:

So with this little blurb, I plead to you, baseball deity of all things diamond: Forgive our insolence. We really didn't mean it.

We already have the Curse of Billy Penn. The Phillies haven't even sniffed the Fall Classic since I was 7 years old when Super Nintendo was the coolest thing ever.

I really don't want to wait another 14 years.

Naturally the Phillies lost their first playoff game in years 4-2, with Rollins, Howard and Utley all going hitless. At least you know who to blame Phillies fans.

-WCK

Cubs fans are delusional

This always seems to happen whenever a major pro sports team is on the verge of being sold. Rabid fan starts site asking other rabid fans to pledge money to eventually buy team. Needless to say, there better be a lot of rabid fans out there if the minimum asking price for the team - like the Cubs - is $600 million.

But hey, might as well give it a shot, right? Some loyal Cubs fans started Let's Buy the Cubbies back at the end of June. Basically, it asks people to pledge how many shares they'd buy in the Cubs at $200 a share. They don't have to pay now, just when the magical number of $600 million is hit so they can bargain with MLB.

So, they almost there yet? Uh, not even close. So far total pledges are under $400,000 which means the Cubs will probably be going to either Mark Cuban or some greedy conglomerate. But the fans are still hilariously hopeful.

My favorite comment on the site: "We're so close! Keep fighting"

If by close you mean $599.6 million away.

-WCK

Mr. Met is still having a rough time

I'm sure most of you have seen last week's Conan clip of Mr. Met attempting suicide. Well, Conan went after him again on Monday. Mr. Met's wife is a huge whore. But I'm sure you already knew that.



-WCK