The best (or worst) Olympic music video you will ever see

This video is an absolute acid trip of epic proportions. It was, I guess, a promotional video for the 1984 Olympic Games - and it may be the real reason why the Russians boycotted those Olympics. The video provides you with a brief history of the Games through interpretive dance, cheesy 80s music, a lot of suggestive sword-grabbing, and costumes that were likely worn in the movie The Beastmaster.

I don't even think the Chinese could make an Olympic music video this awesome, and that's saying something.

-WCK

Canada can't find its own Olympics

Because most of you reading this blog are Americans, I'll assume you have no clue where the 2010 Winter Olympics are going to be. They're going to be in Vancouver.

But don't worry my stupid fellow Americans, the Canadians aren't much better than us when posed with the same question.

in June, the federal government commissioned Decima Research to ask this unaided question to Canadians: “Can you please tell me where the Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games will be held in the year 2010?”

And the results, outside of British Columbia where Vancouver is located, were hilarious.

In Alberta 68% of people knew the answer was Vancouver, in Saskatchewan/Manitoba it was 64%, in Ontario it was 60%, in the Atlantic Provinces it was 50%, and it was an unreal 43% in Quebec.

Needless to say the government wasn't pleased about that and ordered a new report that was just recently done. It showed a slight bump in the numbers, but the fact remains that an awful lot of Eastern Canada seems to have no clue that the 2010 Olympics are happening in their own country.

I guess it could worse. According to a survey done in Taiwan (which I realize is a separate country from China, but China likes to impose its will there), 44% of the Taiwanese have no clue that the 2008 Olympics are happening in China.

And this of course means two important things. One, that there are uninformed people all over the world, not just in America. And two, that China needs to increase the beatings in Taiwan.

-WCK

Let's 1984-ize the Olympics

Despite the recent hysteria over the Mitchell report, there are actually concerns about doping in sports besides baseball. In fact, when one thinks of doping, the Olympics usually come to mind. So how exactly can we solve the doping problem at the Olympic Games?

Why, implant computer chips in athletes so you can track their every movement, of course.

Much to my surprise, it isn't the Chinese that are suggesting this - they just brainwash people. Instead it's two reigning Olympic gold-medalists, Carolina Klüft (heptathlon) and Stefan Holm (high-jump) of Sweden, that are actively looking to make this computer chip scenario a reality.

Klüft, who's asked for this rather revolutionary method to be used in the past, still backs it. But she's also now open to just putting a GPS transmitter on the training bags of athletes.

But Holm, no sir, he wants the chip. Somebody could easily jog the bag around the stadium while the athlete is getting "Roger Clemensed" in the training room, with no one the wiser.

"It's hard to be one hundred percent sure without having a chip surgically implanted into the skin," Holm said.

And I agree. In fact, I think ALL athletes should have a chip inserted into them. That way we can constantly keep track of things like:

• Whether Paul LoDuca was almost in a car accident or not.
• Which strip club A-Rod likes the most.
• If Mike Vick managed to escape prison yet.
• What Pacman Jones is doing in his spare time.
• If Florida State players ever attend class.
• Where Brady Quinn goes to cry.

So yeah, I'm all for the Big Brother approach. Let's make this happen.

-WCK

The ad that be blowing up in China, son

This is the brand new Adidas ad that's currently airing in China. Unfortunately, it's nothing outlandishly crazy, although it's still pretty weird. According to Shanghaiist, this commercial took 6 months to produce. Why? Well, I can only assume because they hired some lazy ass fools to do it. There's really no other explanation.

-WCK

Human rights group tries to destroy the best part of the Olympics

This was bound to happen at some point. You may remember a while back we had that post about how China was going to let only young attractive females be medal presenters at the Olympics. Who can forget? Well, an American-based human rights group is now up in arms about it, and looking to potentially try and ruin what I'm hoping will be the best part of the Olympics. Because I certainly won't be paying attention to any of those weird sports.

Yes, those killjoys known as Human Rights Watch have slammed the Beijing Olympic Committee for "discrimination" against individuals, especially women and for adopting "unfair hiring practices." This all stems from a female Olympic Committee member who said they wanted medal presenters to not be fat and be between a certain age and height.

I couldn't agree more.

A word of advice to Human Rights Watch, China doesn't care about any of that stuff. They care about showing off hot Chinese women so that the world takes notice. But despite my advice, Human Rights Watch decided not to heed it. Instead they did what so many groups like theirs do.

They sent a firm letter to China.

Yes sir, that'll show them. Here's what it said:

"Gender, age and appearance requirements arbitrarily exclude individuals from jobs for which they are professionally qualified and constitute discrimination."

I agree with these sentiments, generally speaking, but this is just a two week job. It's not exactly something worth getting bent out of shape about. Plus, we're guilty of doing stuff like this all the time in America as well.

Besides, it's usually best not to mess with China. They're not exactly well known for their human rights.

-WCK

I command you to cheer for China

I'm getting to the point where anything the Chinese do in preparation for the 2008 Olympics wouldn't surprise me anymore. But this one still threw me for a loop.

It seems the Chinese are starting to train future spectators on how to cheer during Olympic events.

Yes, this is all part of a larger Olympic etiquette campaign to show off a polite, prosperous and powerful China. In the Olympic city, the campaign has the awesomely titled "Beijing Civilized Workers Cheering Squad," which is a public-education program to teach sportsmanship and destroy independent thought.

China's worried that people cheering at the wrong moment could create negative coverage of the Games. Which is understandable. I mean why would you want to draw attention away from your massive pollution problem and rampant brainwashing?

There are currently 20 cheers that have been approved by authorities. Like this one for example:

"Zhongguo, Zhongguo -- ha, ha, ha. Zhongguo, Zhongguo bi sheng. Jia you, jia you." Rough translation: "China, China -- ha, ha, ha. China, China must win. Let's go, let's go."

I agree, it's pretty bad, but I'm sure the other 19 are outstanding. I'm told at least one incorporates a Chinese version of the John Mellencamp "This is our Country" song.

Naturally, there have been some problems with the Chinese learning how to cheer for sports they've never seen before.

At a field hockey test event this summer featuring Argentina and Australia, hundreds of middle-age women were bused in to add atmosphere and tried to imitate cheers in Spanish, but butchered them.

They also chanted "Ba mao si fen han de di le" which roughly means "Eighty-four cents, you've offered a price too low."

Yep, it's going to be one hell of an Olympics.

-WCK

Don't expect to see any world records set at the Olympics

It's well known that Beijing is struggling to improve its air quality before the Olympics. That should be more than apparent from the satellite image above. China is considering shutting down some construction during the Games and and trying to get some 1 million cars off the road. Right now, Beijing's air is six times more polluted than the air in Tokyo - and Tokyo has terrible pollution. In October, the International Olympic Committee even said some of the Olympic events may be rescheduled if pollution is particularly bad.

There's even an argument floating around right now that we're not going to see any world records set at these 2008 Games - due entirely to pollution.

One study, to be published by the Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research, tested college athletes with six-minute bike rides in two environments—one with very little pollution, and one with quite a bit. Then each group was asked to take another bike ride three days later in the same environment. Researchers found that heart rates didn't vary too much from one ride to the next, but subjects in the high-pollution conditions had 5 percent less power on the second test. The study's authors believe these students breathed in pollutants in the first ride and started to develop inflammation in their lungs as a result. Three days later, they had a harder time pedaling.

You can certainly bet this is why so many Olympic teams aren't staying anywhere near Beijing.

But just as an example of what's going on, here are two pictures of the same location in Tianjin, which is near Beijing and will be an Olympic host city, only two days apart. It's pretty stunning.


I like how the tower on the left disappears faster than Matt Leinart after a positive pregnancy test.

As much as we make fun of this pollution problem, I've got to admit, it's a real serious problem. And even though the American team will be based in Korea and only fly athletes in for their events, I'd still have them bring gas masks. Just in case.

Pics from China Hope Live

-WCK

How are those translations going?

I'm sure you're well aware that China, and particularly Beijing, is looking to get rid of embarrassing Chinglish signs before the 2008 Olympics begin. That way China will prove to the world they're great and powerful.....or something, whatever. Anyway, if you've ever been to China, then you know getting rid of Chinglish is no small task. And they've still got some work to do. Here's a look at some of the hilarious signs that are still out there.

And don't forget to get your hands on a Damage condom while you're there.


HT: Daily Mail

-WCK

The worst Olympic mascots ever

Yesterday the Olympic mascots for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics were introduced to the world, and the reaction was somewhat mixed. Some thought the mascots were bizarre, while others thought they were great.

All I know is this: The Vancouver mascots are nowhere near the worst Olympic mascots to ever preside over the Games. And don't worry, Izzy the Whatizit from Atlanta 1996 isn't even the worst mascot ever, either. No, there were two mascots much worse than Izzy.

So anyway, let's start by counting backwards.


7. The 1998 Nagano Snow Owls
As bad as the Snow Owls are, there was actually a worse mascot before them. The original mascot designed for the Games was a weasel named Snowple, which was rejected by the Japanese public. My guess is Snowple's rejection came right before the Games started, which is why the Owls were subsequently drawn by a 3-year-old in approximately 5 minutes.


6. The 1976 Montreal beaver Amik
Amik was frequently mistaken for a turd on the side of the road.


5. The 1972 Munich dachshund Waldi
Naturally when you have the Olympics in Germany, you make the mascot a hyperactive, ultra-alert, multi-colored weiner dog.


4. The 1992 Albertville snow imp Magique
Has the dubious distinction of being the wussiest of all Olympic mascots despite resembling a ninja star. Also was a second choice after a first mascot was deemed too unpopular. How anything could be less popular than this mascot is beyond me.


3. The 1996 Atlanta Whatizit, a.k.a. Izzy
Izzy is frequently regarded as the worst mascot in Olympic history. That could be because he resembles a brightly colored sperm with shoes on, or it could be because he is a brightly colored sperm with shoes on. But believe it or not, Izzy wasn't even the first sperm inspired mascot. No, that achievement went to...


2. The 1968 Grenoble mascot Schuss
Schuss, over time, has become known as "The Skiing Sperm" and you can certainly understand why. What's remarkable about Schuss is that the French didn't really try hard to hide it. At least Izzy had hands and feet.

And last but not least, the worst mascot ever was...


1. The 1996 Atlanta Paralympics phoenix Blaze
Just a ridiculous mascot. And we have a picture of Blaze below, and yes, that's actually him.
Watch that hand Blaze, you're getting a bit too close for comfort.

-WCK

Magically appearing toilets

This may be the greatest invention since sliced bread. The Jinan Environment Sanitation Science Research Centre is developing China’s first hidden public toilet just in time for the 2008 Olympic Games. Wait, what?

When the toilet is hidden from view only a sculpture located on top of it can be seen. These toilets will be installed on lawns beside the sidewalk along main streets and bus stops and will be operated by inserting a 1 yuan coin. One second there's a sculpture, the next second up pops the toilet out of the ground.

You've got to be kidding me. God bless you China. This is an awesome idea until someone winds up stuck underground after dropping a deuce and suffocates to death. Not the best way to go, no sir.

HT: Spluch

-WCK

Looks like you can't bring grenades to the Olympics

There's no question that safety at the Olympics is important. Atlanta made that very clear. But what's funny is that in our idiot-proof world, we feel the need to constantly alert people about everything, even obvious things that a half brain dead monkey could figure out. Well, China's now doing the same thing. In an effort to make the Olympic Games safe and idiot-proof, they've put up posters around China about what you can't bring to the Olympic Games. Let's see what made the list.


I'm glad China is against people bringing grenades and cell phones strapped with C-4 to the Games. Both could possibly cause some trouble. Although imagining who would accidentally strap C-4 to their cell phone is sort of hard to imagine.


Ah yes. Guns. Definitely should avoid bringing these to the Games. Not exactly sure how you'd take them away from someone who insists on having them though. Good luck indeed.


Guns for show, knives for a pro. Judging by this picture, it looks like only small knives are banned. Which means it should be totally cool for me to bring my trusty patriotic machete.


I think one of these is a taser, but the others I'm not so sure about. But they all look painful, which I'm sure means many Chinese are familiar with them.


And what's this? No gun powder and cocaine? And something which sort of looks like heroin. Man, what a downer. How in the hell am I going to make brown-brown now?


And just in case you want to look at everything, here you go. I don't see missile launchers and tanks on there, so I'm guessing you can probably bring those. Should be an awesome Olympics.

HT: Beijing Olympic Games 2008

-WCK

A look at Nike's ads in China for the Olympic Games

Don't even ask me how I got my hands on this, but it's a series of Nike ads that they're running in China to promote the Games. The ads feature everday people suddenly breaking out into an Olympic event. The best one comes around the 1:40 mark, when a dude gets wrecked Judo style by his date. Happens to me all the time.

-WCK

When the Olympic Spirit goes way too far

As many of you who read this site know, I'm a big fan of the Olympics. And I'm an even bigger fan of China hosting the Olympics because they'll literally do anything to make sure the Games go well. And they also have awesome fans who are willing to desecrate their hair to show their support. But they have even more hardcore fans as well. Scary hardcore.

How about tattooing the Olympic rings onto your forehead? Definitely the mark of a true fan. Or a slightly mentally imbalanced fan. One or the other.


You'll also notice the Great Wall featured prominently on the side of his head. I mean what the hell, you've already got "Beijing 2008" tattooed on your forehead, in English no less. Might as well go all the way.


And just because you can, how about having all the fruity Olympic mascots tattooed around your neck. There are five mascots by the way, which means five times the Olympic fun! Or something lame like that.


But maybe all this mascot crap isn't hardcore enough for you. Maybe you want to get a tattoo of every single pictograph image of all 35 Olympic sports.

There you go. All 35 on the back and arms. I believe this kid is going to act as a human sign for visitors. Point to the sport you want to go see, he tells you how to get there.


Naturally it wouldn't be complete without the rings and the official seal.


And while this guy doesn't have his face tattooed, he at least goes the extra mile to get his hair cut in an "I Heart Olympics" style. Well played psycho fan, well played indeed.

While I appreciate the enthusiasm of these guys, I'd hate to think what life is going to be like for them the day after the Olympics end. But then again, out of date tattoos will probably the least of their worries by then.

[HT: China Daily and Beijing Olympics Fan]

-WCK

It's better than being named Boston I guess

China continues to impress as we get closer and closer to the Olympic Games. It seems that almost 3,500 Chinese kids have the name "Olympics." That may seem a little ridiculous, but so what. A lot of American celebrities give their kids ridiculous names as well. Although maybe not quite as bad as Olympics.

But the fun thing is that kids aren't just getting named after the Olympics. Not at all. They're also being named after the Olympic mascots. The names are Bei Bei (880 people), Jing Jing (1,240), Huan Huan (1,063), Ying Ying (624) and Ni Ni (642). When put together, the phrase translates to "Beijing welcomes you!" Strangely, when separated, each individual name translates as "You will get your ass kicked repeatedly and thoroughly in school."

And in case you were wondering, 5,598 people have the same name as Yao Ming, who surprisingly is totally outclassed by star hurdler Liu Xiang, who has the same name as 18,462 other people in China.

-WCK

The Chinese, and Jackie Chan, are really psyched for the Olympics

The Olympics are still long way off, but don't tell that to the Chinese. They're already doing things like getting strangely awesome haircuts and building bizarre bikes. Apparently it took the guy in the above picture 2 months to build that bike. I'm not really sure why it took that long to do, but my guess is when you work 22 hours a day it's tough to build a bike in your spare time.

Also getting in on the action is Jackie Chan. I never had him pegged as a singer, but he's done a song for the Olympics called "We Are Ready." It's the official countdown song to the Olympics., whatever that means. Here are some of the lyrics.

"Waiting year after year/ We can see into the future/ Together with hard work and sweat, we've created the five different (Olympic) colors."

Not exactly a chart topper, but whatever. It sounds better when you hear Jackie Chan sing it. At least that's what I think. I don't know because I didn't listen to it.


-WCK

How to avoid China's pollution during the Olympics, don't stay in the country

This is a pretty big week for China. That's because the International Olympic Committee is in town to check on the air pollution at potential Olympic sites. And honestly, it's not looking real good.

Pollution levels in Beijing regularly reach five times higher than the safety level recommended by the World Health Organization. And IOC President Jacques Rogge has said unsafe levels of pollutants in the city might force some outdoor endurance events to be postponed or moved to another location.

The United Nations Environment Program plans to release a report Thursday on Beijing's efforts. But whatever that report says, it probably doesn't matter for a lot of countries and their athletes. And that's because they only plan on being in Beijing for their event and that's it.

In a story that has kind of slipped under the radar of late, it turns out that the U.S. is seriously looking into permanently basing their athletes in South Korea and then flying them into China just prior to competitions. The reason is so that they don't expose them to Beijing's terrible air quality.

And it's not just the U.S. that's mulling this. The British have already made plans to base their Olympic squad on the Chinese protectorate island of Macau, which is about 1,300 miles away from Beijing. The Australians are going to gut it out, but are apparently going to have an asthma doctor on hand.

Anyway, Thursday's findings are fairly important. Forcing the Chinese to move events probably won't help their psyche much.

-WCK

Vancouver is not your brother's keeper

When you host the Olympics, one of the things you want to do is tidy up your city just before everyone comes to town. That way people will see how clean and great your city is and will hopefully come back to visit again some day.

But it's tough cleaning up a city, especially when smelly homeless junkies are out doing heroin and crack all over your streets. So what do you do when you're looking to cut the homeless problem in your city by 50% by the time the Olympics come to town? Why, you stick said homeless drug addicts on a one-way plane out of town is what you do.

Yep, Vancouver is in the midst of seriously considering a plan to fly homeless and drug addicted individuals out of the city in time for the 2010 Olympics. That's because Vancouver - despite having the reputation of a clean city - has what a U.N. official recently called one of the world's worst slums in an affluent city. And the plan to send people off on planes wasn't cooked up by some nut. It was devised by the Chief of Police, the Civil City Commissioner, and a member of the Vancouver Board of Trade. Classy.

The plan is to collect a ton of donated frequent flyer miles and then "send people back to where they came from." Which I believe would be the gutter...of some other city. Truly a problem solving plan if ever there was one.

And just so everyone knows it's serious, the chairman of the Vancouver Board of Trade has already donated 100,000 miles. Because those miles definitely get to the root of the problem.

If you think this is bad (or maybe you think it's good), Atlanta did something similar in 1996 just before the Olympics. They rounded up as many homeless people as they could find, threw them on buses, drove them to the edge of the city and then threatened them with six months of jail time if they returned. Sort of like Rambo, except no homeless people came back and shot up a police station. Yet.

But hey, at least homeless people in the US and Canada get free plane trips and bus rides when the Olympics come to town. I have a feeling they won't be doing that in China.

-WCK

China says "no fat chicks"

China is certainly doing some interesting things for the Olympics, like shooting missiles into the sky to control the weather. But apparently they're also looking to objectify women as well. Sounds excellent.

Olympic officials have made it clear that women hoping to become hostesses at next year’s Olympic Games medal ceremonies must meet a set of fairly stringent criteria: no tattoos, no big butts, and cut down on the earrings. 208 hostesses are needed and the selection process is going to drag on almost until the Olympics start. They're currently running through a first round of rehearsals to see who'll make the initial cut.

And just in case the message wasn't clear the first time, the Chinese state media has also reported that tattoos and earrings tend to look sleazy, while big butts could stick out too much. That must have been one great broadcast. Hey, at least the Chinese are honest - brutally honest - about what they want. Li Ning, some Commie pinko who is heading the selection process, said, "We don’t want anyone who looks in any way sleazy because that could really put athletes off. Bone structure and height should be uniform. For example, we don’t want any wide bottoms.”

Yeah, lord knows you don't want athletes shrieking in horror at a fat-ass hostess while they receive their medals. That could definitely hurt ratings. But I'm surprised the Chinese think sleazy women will somehow bother athletes. I mean they'd certainly bother athletes, but in a slightly different way than I think the Chinese realize.

-WCK

Crazy Japanese Olympics

Man, the 2008 Olympics really should have been in Japan.

-WCK

One out of three ain't bad

The Chinese are on a mission to end Chinglish signs across the country before the 2008 Olympics, but it looks like they've still got some work to do.
Here's a better shot for you blind people.
Hey, at least it's better than this.
Yes that picture has been altered via paintshop.

-WCK