You might recall a while back the guys at the Deuce did a post on the Redneck Games. Yes, but those Redneck Games were held in Georgia. That's where bitch ass pansy rednecks go to play. Real gun totin' rabble rousing rednecks reside in Texas. The deep dead heart of Texas.Even though Deadspin linked quickly to an article on this event a few days back, we were all more interested in when Bonds was going to belt 756. Now that he's done that, and added 757, let's go back and look at the hardest of the hardcore rednecks that were down in Texas over the weekend a fussin' and a feudin'. By the time the latest event ended Sunday, more than 54 arrests and citations had been issued on charges ranging from public intoxication to speeding, according to the local County Sheriff's Department. Officials are still considering charges against the organizer and landowners where the event was held. You know, because you can't have people messing up barren useless land.
The Texas Redneck Games had some lovely events, and while there's no video of them up yet (because people in Texas don't know how to work video cameras), that's probably for the best. I'm not sure a video could do these events justice anyway. Just read them and form your own opinion of what they'd be like. So here are some of the better events of the Texas Redneck Games. They all come from the official program, which isn't very official.
STARTER TOSS: This event will be for men only and will consist of the shot put of a car starter for distance.
BUTT-CRACK CONTEST: The uglier your butt-crack, the better chance you have of winning. This is not a mooning event and we will only allow low hanging pants to be worn. The contestants will be divided into men and women. Judging of this event will be based on the crowd's applause by using a sound level meter.
SPAM EATING CONTEST: This event will be for men and women combined and will be how much SPAM you can eat in a ten minute time period. You will be allowed to bring your favorite beverage to help wash down your favorite treat! Additional points will be added by how many whole fresh jalepeno peppers you eat while consuming your SPAM.
Here's one journalist's take on it: "There was something strangely arresting about watching 10 serious-faced guys grind away at pink bricks of Spam while Steppenwolf's "Born to be Wild" boomed from the loudspeakers."
MATTRESS CHUNK: How many times have you driven down a back country road and seen old mattress laying in the ditch? Well.....I'll tell you the way they got there. A couple of rednecks needing to get rid of an old mattress, iced down a 12 pack of cold beer, load up the ol' mattress in the back of the pickup and headed out looking for a place to chunk it. When they find the perfect place and nobody is looking, they chug down the rest of their beer, jump out of the truck into the back, grab the mattress and chunk it as far as they can, jump back down in the truck, slam the doors, and act like nothing ever happened. Well that's what this contest is all about....seeing how far a couple of rednecks can chunk a mattress out the back of a pickup. We will provide the mattress and truck. The rednecks will provide the beer.
And my personal favorite...
BILL FOSTER & TOMMY PATTON INVITATIONAL WET T-SHIRT CONTEST: This is just a plain ole Wet T-Shirt contest. The only difference is that it will be divided into two classes, FACTORY AND MODIFIED.
I'm not 100% sure what "factory" and "modified" suggest, seeing as no one who attends an event like this has the money for breast implants. But either way, I'm intrigued. And if you want to see what the crowd looked like before the big ATV race, here you go.
-WCK
