More ridiculous old school athlete ads

Yesterday's post on horrible old athlete commercials was well received, so we thought we'd bring you some more, since we obviously missed some. Here you go, more epically awful old school athlete commercials.

This commercial is so bad, that it's awesome. It's Iron Head Heyward's legendary Zest ad, passed along by reader Chuck. "But Iron Head, what's with this thingie?"


I owe the Fanhouse a lot for finding this hideous Chardon jeans ad featuring Larry Bird. This ad is so dated I think I aged 10 years just watching it. Not to mention it uses Bird's butt as a marketing tool. Yikes.


Jim Palmer did a lot of Fruit of the Loom underwear ads back in the day, and luckily we're not showing you them. Instead here's his hilarious Brylcream ad. I have no doubt that Brylcream helped him wind up on our list of athletes with illegitimate kids.


Apparently Ted Williams did bread ads back in the day. Be sure to keep your Ted Williams endorsed bread at -100 degrees Fahrenheit.


Phil Rizzuto is well known for having helped rip-off thousands of New Yorkers by shilling for The Money Store. Phil, giving someone a second mortgage at an almost 15% interest rate isn't a good deal, it's practically criminal. Also watch Phil do his Money Store pitch with Santa.


Tommy Lasorda, if you remember, did those awful Ultra SlimFast commercials. You don't want to see those ads again. But he also hawked Genesis video games.


And here's Magic Johnson playing a game of HORSE for 7-Up against some female basketball player named Ann Meyers who sort of resembles Larry Bird.


Unfortunately, the most awesome sports commercial ever, Tom Emanski's baseball instruction video (back-to-back-to-back AAU National Champions!) isn't on video. So here's a pic of The Crime Dog doing his thing from the ad.
"This is the instructional video that gets results!"

-WCK

Old school athlete ads are horribly awesome

On Veterans Day we should probably have a post about athletes who were in the military, but that would be too easy. So instead we're going to take a look back at the brave sports figures who appeared in ridiculous commercials for cash money.

Ok, I probably shouldn't have said brave sports figures, since this commercial has OJ in it. But honestly, I'd never be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I ever appeared in an ad like this.


This Wheaties commercial involves athletes rapping, which is always a winner. Darryl Dawkins steals the show with his memorable line of "Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties." He clearly missed the boat by not becoming a rapper.


Whether you want more athletes rapping or not, you're gonna get them. Don't pay any attention to the first ad, but play close attention to the second. It features Warren Moon, Ronnie Lott and Boomer Esiason rapping about Diet Coke. Shameless might be too kind of a word to describe this ad.


This is unquestionably the most homoerotic Gatorade ad you will ever see. Thank God they eventually got Michael Jordan as a pitch man before they cornered the gay market.


Speaking of bizarrely homoerotic ads, here's Roger Clemens in an old Zest ad. (Shudder)


Mickey Mantle (seemingly sober) actually hawked a somewhat intriguing product from Intellivision that involved getting games through cable TV. It was sort of an early version of GameTap. Only problem is this was for Intellivision games, and they sucked.


Mantle also did a horrible athletes foot ad for some product that sounds like a fighter jet.


How about Roger Staubach and Tommie Lasorda in a Rolaids ad? At least Lasorda didn't take his pants off.


Tom Landry goes Cowboy on us. And lamely runs into some "Redskins."


And lastly, here's Pete Rose doing what all masculine men do: They sing stupid songs about their aftershave. Totally manly.


I realize that in 20 years I'll find some of today's current ads a bit dated, but they'll still be better than all of these. Especially that OJ ad.

-WCK

This truck gets 1.9 yards per gallon

LDT may not be having the best year so far, but whatever. We all know he's going to turn it around at some point. In the meantime, you can bid on his 2006 Lincoln Mark LT if you want.

That's right, the 2006 MVP's truck is up for sale on eBay. And you gotta love the way it's being advertised:

Yes, it’s true. This is the Lincoln Mark LT driven by Ladainian Tomlinson for the past year. This is the vehicle he drove during his MVP season. “Own a piece of football history.”

I'm not really sure the car is part of football history, seeing as it didn't score any touchdowns last year, but hey, whatever's good for business. Some of the accessories include 26” Giovanna Chrome Wheels ($7400) and a DVD-Amp-15” screen ($6200).

And in addition to that, LDT will sign the vehicle for you. Uh, ok.

“Some may have an autographed football, some may have an autographed helmet. But you could be the only one to have his autographed vehicle.” What is that worth. Imagine pulling up to the tailgate party in your, the only, LT signed Mark LT!

As much as I'd like his autograph, I can do without paying $55,000 for the car as well. I think I'll just see if he'll autograph my 1988 Chevy half-ton pickup. That should probably quadruple its value.

-WCK