Friday, December 28, 2007

May you rest in hell, Rich Rodriguez

I think we're all aware that West Virginia is not taking Rich Rodriguez's departure well. The governor got mad at him, there have been conspiracy theories floating around that he lost to Pitt so he wouldn't have to play in the National Championship, and the school he dedicated himself to for a number of years is now suing him. It kind of makes you think the state wants him dead.

This video confirms that's indeed the truth. Nothing better than a Coach Rodriguez tombstone!

Congrats, West Virginia. You're now wedged between Mogadishu and the Sunni Triangle as places I can't wait to visit.


Patrick Ewing: Talent Assessor

Patrick Ewing has a lot of experience in pro basketball. He was a great player for a long time, went to the NBA Finals, and is now an assistant with the Magic where he's helping Dwight Howard become the league's next great big man. Naturally, one would assume that he can spot talent.


Here's what Ewing had to say about the Knicks, courtesy of the bastion of the journalism world, The Daily News:
"They have a lot of talent, they're a talented bunch of guys. How talented they are has yet to be seen. Sometimes you may have too much talent. There's only one ball and you can't have 12 guys who want to score."
I would think this is partly just Ewing trying to say kind things about his old team, while maybe also taking a subtle shot at Isiah.

But could he be right? Could the Knicks be too talented? I guess I might as well take a look.

Stephon Marbury - Talented at being a talented player who's a team cancer and perpetual ball hog.
Jamal Crawford - Same as Marbury, but with less cancer.
Nate Robinson - Extremely talented at being psychotic and missing dunks.
Jared Jeffries - Talented at somehow remaining in the league, and being paid exceedingly well in the process, when he should be playing in Europe.
Jerome James - Talented at eating, and being paid $30 million for doing nothing.
Eddy Curry - Talented at being 6-11 and unable to rebound. Also talented at eating.
Fred Jones - Talented dunker, not much else.
Zach Randolph - Actually talented. However, also talented at getting into a lot of trouble.
Mardy Collins - Talented at getting superior players thrown out of games and suspended.
Malik Rose - He's still playing?
David Lee - Actually talented, but can thank talentless coach for not playing him enough.
Quentin Richardson - Talented headband wearer.
Randolph Morris - Talented at never showing any emotion.
Renaldo Balkman - Sort of talented if used properly.
Wilson Chandler - Um, who?

Just to sum up how talented the Knicks are, here's a fun story involving James. He's been out all season after having surgery to remove a cyst and a bone spur on his right foot. During that time he's bulked up to well over 300 lbs. He recently returned to practices and is waiting to pass a league-mandated fitness test before he returns to the court. But that may take a while, because when asked if he thought he could pass the test, James said, "I haven't been running."

Or apparently been trying to stay in shape in any way whatsoever.

This is definitely one talented team.


Friday links

I'm awful glad its Friday, and so is Isiah. Thanks to Deuce for finding this pic.

On to the links.

Wayne Rooney has a tranny cousin who wants to be a bridesmaid at his upcoming wedding. Wow. [Deuce of Davenport]

Darren McFadden has a new Escalade, and potential problems with being eligible for the Cotton Bowl. Shockingly, these two things relate to each other. [The Pig Pen]

They're pulling down Rich Rodriguez signs in West Virginia. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Where the hell is Mel Kiper, Jr.? [Scott Van Pelt Style]

A 70s tennis player who should have been ranked #1, but wasn't. Weird. [All on the Field]

Fukudome doesn't just have a great name, he has a great arm. [Home Run Derby]

The Orange Bowl got a little more interesting, thanks to mock Mac ads. [Lion in Oil]

The Broncos are still mad at Philip Rivers. I'm still mad at Rivers for sucking this entire season. [Rumors and Rants]


The quest for the worst Super Bowl ad ever

You probably don't remember this SalesGenie Super Bowl commercial from last year. Or maybe you do because it was so awful.

Yep, no dancing celebrities, no monkeys, no making it rain. And to top it all off, the ad looks like it was filmed for a local television station. It's an absolute crime that this thing appeared during the Super Bowl. I want the best, most expensive, and ridiculous ads during the Super Bowl, period.

But SalesGenie could care less. Even though the commercial was voted the worst of last year's Super Bowl ads, it helped the company make some serious bank by driving traffic to the site.

So what are they planning on doing this year? Why, making three even worse commercials, of course.

"If it positively impacts business like it did last year, wed be thrilled to be the worst again," said founder and chairman Vin Gupta.

Way to shoot for the stars, Vin. By the way, Gupta was the mind behind last year's wonder, and he penned the three pieces of shit the company will unveil this year. They'll hit the airwaves during Super Bowl XLIIs pre-game show, first and third quarter action.

While that certainly sucks, at least you won't have to watch the third quarter ad because whatever NFC team is playing the Patriots will have forfeited by then.

By the way, in my enlightened opinion, this is the best Super Bowl ad ever.


Thursday, December 27, 2007

The best (or worst) Olympic music video you will ever see

This video is an absolute acid trip of epic proportions. It was, I guess, a promotional video for the 1984 Olympic Games - and it may be the real reason why the Russians boycotted those Olympics. The video provides you with a brief history of the Games through interpretive dance, cheesy 80s music, a lot of suggestive sword-grabbing, and costumes that were likely worn in the movie The Beastmaster.

I don't even think the Chinese could make an Olympic music video this awesome, and that's saying something.


Slow Thursday links

There isn't a lot going on during this week between Christmas and New Year's, except for best/worst of the year posts. Aside from that, there seems to be almost nothing going on today. But don't worry, we made up for our lack of posts with that insane Olympic music video above. It's worth at least 3 posts, which is probably a huge overstatement, but it's all we got for today.

On to the links.

Deadspin's word of the year is awesome. [Deadspin]

Derek Anderson to the Fins? [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Some atypical 2007 awards. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]

What some NFL players did for Christmas. [Throwing Into Traffic]

Not really sports related, but here's a chance to take a test to see how big of a douchebag you are. [Introducing Liston]


Nick Barnett is sort of mad at that ref

I didn't really think much of Nick Barnett being taken down by an NFL ref this past weekend. It only registered for about a second before I moved on to more important things, like figuring out how a perpetually drunk Kyle Orton could lead the Bears to such an impressive victory.

I was ready to forget about Barnett, and most importantly, his embarrassing moment.

But Barnett won't let me do that.

That's because his agent told ESPN on Wednesday that the linebacker will file a grievance against linebacker-killer Jim Quirk.

The league told Quirk he went "over the line" when he pulled Barnett down in an attempt to break up a skirmish, according to an NFL report. The league also warned Quirk, but has said there will be no punishment.

Barnett's agent said to ESPN, "This guy puts his arm around Nick's throat ... he should get more than a warning. If Nick pushes (Quirk) to the ground just as a response, he'd be suspended and fined a couple of hundred grand."

While that may be correct, I like how Barnett's agent decided that continually reminding the public about his client's most embarrassing moment as a pro athlete is critically important.

I guess if that's how he wants it, then I'll grant him that wish and always remember Nick Barnett as the linebacker who got violated by a ref during a football game.

Because I'm sure that's exactly what Barnett wants.


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Football > Law in Louisiana

Justice stops for nothing, unless there's any football team from Louisiana playing in a big game. Then law can sit on its ass and wait.

Yes, the always entertaining - (read: lazy) - state of Louisiana has decided for the second time in a year that football is more important than your right to a speedy trial.

Stephen Babcock, an attorney defending an insurance company in a lawsuit over a car crash, requested the delay of the trial because he has tickets to the National Championship game and is an LSU fan. But, more importantly, he and other LSU fans have rented out the second floor of a Bourbon Street bar for a pre-game tailgate party.

That seems like a reasonable request, even though something tells me Babcock will likely be just as drunk during the actual trial.

And just so you know that Babcock took this matter incredibly seriously, in his written request for a new trial date he referred to Ohio State as "Slowhio" ("due to their perceived lack of speed on both sides of the ball").

Man, that sentence has Harvard Law written all over it.

Not so surprisingly, the judge agreed to postpone the trial.

As mentioned earlier, there is actual precedent for football over law in Louisiana. In January, a judge agreed to postpone a trial due to a conflict with last season's NFC championship game between the Saints and Bears.

While I'm being a bit tough on Louisiana, it could always be worse. In Texas if your trial date lines up with a Cowboys game or a UT BCS game they simply execute you on the spot.


MJ drops the double-nickel on Santa

While you spent your Christmas sitting at home, Michael Jordan spent his absolutely demoralizing Santa in a one-on-one game.


Wednesday links

It's still Christmas break for most of you, but we here at The Rate never quit. We just kind of post less good stuff at a less frequent rate.

On to the three links.

The NFL network will do 62-hours of lead-up for the Giants/Pats game. That's not a joke. [Construda]

Attention terrorists: There's no security at college bowl games. [All on the Field]

You can own Maria Sharapova's soap. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Larry Fitzgerald to the Vikings in '08? [Fanhouse]


Soccer players are calm, collected people

I don't really like soccer much at all. Too little action combined with not enough scoring. But what I do love is how the sport turns fans, players, and referees into psychotic, violent lunatics.

Today's example comes courtesy of Kuala Lumpur, where rioting semi-pro players and a gun were involved in some hijinks. Awesome.

It seems that after a ref gave a player at a local soccer match a red card, all hell broke loose, with a number of players taking umbrage with the call. The ref, in an attempt to alleviate the tense situation, ran to his car to grab a gun. Of course. He proceeded to fire off a number of warning shots to stop the rioting players.

And to top it all off, the ref was a police officer. Uh oh.
"We are investigating as to whether the policeman was justified in taking out his firearm and discharging it, and also why he had it with him during the match," said Hussin Ismail, police chief in the southern Johor state.
Wait, so it's not ok for a cop to grab his piece and fire away when confronted by angry soccer players? I would have thought grabbing a gat was par for the course, rather than any kind of punishable offense.

Anyway, the cop was taken into custody for suspected misuse of firearms, while five players are also being held for questioning and could be charged with rioting.

This incident obviously raises a serious question, which is: Can only 5 people constitute a riot? I'd say no, but I'm not exactly experienced in the rioting department.


Canada can't find its own Olympics

Because most of you reading this blog are Americans, I'll assume you have no clue where the 2010 Winter Olympics are going to be. They're going to be in Vancouver.

But don't worry my stupid fellow Americans, the Canadians aren't much better than us when posed with the same question.

in June, the federal government commissioned Decima Research to ask this unaided question to Canadians: “Can you please tell me where the Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games will be held in the year 2010?”

And the results, outside of British Columbia where Vancouver is located, were hilarious.

In Alberta 68% of people knew the answer was Vancouver, in Saskatchewan/Manitoba it was 64%, in Ontario it was 60%, in the Atlantic Provinces it was 50%, and it was an unreal 43% in Quebec.

Needless to say the government wasn't pleased about that and ordered a new report that was just recently done. It showed a slight bump in the numbers, but the fact remains that an awful lot of Eastern Canada seems to have no clue that the 2010 Olympics are happening in their own country.

I guess it could worse. According to a survey done in Taiwan (which I realize is a separate country from China, but China likes to impose its will there), 44% of the Taiwanese have no clue that the 2008 Olympics are happening in China.

And this of course means two important things. One, that there are uninformed people all over the world, not just in America. And two, that China needs to increase the beatings in Taiwan.


Monday, December 24, 2007

Vladimir Putin will teach you to kick some butt

This has to rank up there as one of the coolest things ever done by a head of state while he's still in office. It seems that Russian President Vladimir Putin is a major badass at judo - he's a black belt. I guess when you consider his political background, this makes sense.

But he just announced that he and Yasuhiro Yamashita, a World and Olympic judo champion from Japan, have made an instructional video together.

If you're wondering when this future instant YouTube classic will become available, here's what Putin had to say.

"He and I have recorded a video disc as a video supplement to a judo manual," Putin said. "I think it will be coming out in January or February."

Man, it must be awfully cool to have a president that can break concrete blocks with his head, and administer the infamous "Touch of Death." And if you want to see Putin taking on either a really short Asian man, or perhaps a kid, here you go. I'm hoping it's a kid.

To be honest, this makes America look weak and scrawny. President Bush is really only known for two things in regards to sports - being a wussy high school male cheerleader and an incompetent MLB team owner. Neither of those strike fear into the hearts of anyone. I take that back, the male cheerleader thing definitely makes me afraid, but not in the right way.

Quite frankly, the only way to rectify this critical situation may be to elect Chuck Norris in '08.


In case you want your New Year's party invitation rescinded...

Normally during the holiday season, you're supposed to send out Christmas cards to friends and people you know. Even though you may not enjoy doing this, it's at least a good, friendly gesture that people appreciate during the holidays.

But the times they are a changing, my friend.

ESPN has decided to add some flavor to an old holiday tradition, and by "add some flavor to", I mean "completely take a dump on."

Yes, there are now 8 stupid "Holiday Smack Cards" that you can send out to insult people during the Christmas holiday. Which is a great idea. Nothing says Christmas cheer like getting a holiday card that calls you a loser.

The e-cards also directly target the Yankees, Chicago Bears, and Notre Dame. The least original may be Grossman and Griese throwing "gift-wrapped" interceptions to defensive backs. It took a brilliant mind to come up with that. Probably the same brilliant mind that came up with the "Enjoy the Whatever Bowl loser!" insult. There is no comeback to that my friends.

Sometimes an idea is so bad, it's good. And other times, an idea is so bad, it should be buried 6-feet deep and never discussed again. This is one of the latter.


Christmas Eve links

For the two of you wondering why I didn't do my Monday NFL write-up, it's because of the holidays. I'll be writing it tonight after I get last minute presents for 12 people. The worst thing about that last sentence I wrote is that there's no sarcasm in it at all.

On to the (few) links.

Margaret Thatcher's grandson loves football, meaning real American football. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

The 10 not-so-awesome sports guys of 2007. [I'm Writing Sports]

A college football coach you should know more about. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]

Some fun facts about my boy Patrick Willis of the 49ers. [Lord, Beer Me Strength]


Friday, December 21, 2007

Lighted Santa has mad game

I don't know about you, but I hate boring Christmas lights. I like my Christmas lights to be garish, and preferably moving. And if you can somehow manage to get an animated dunking Santa in the lights, even better.

Luckily, because we live in America, such a product exists. Yes, below is the 20-foot high Animated Dunking Santa light system. As you can tell, Santa has mad game, and a better vertical than Dwight Howard. Isiah just signed him to a 10-day contact.

santa dunking

If you think this thing is "some assembly required," you're damn right. As the site says - Requires 8 tracks to configure all positions of arms and balls. I don't know what the hell that means, but it sounds time-consuming and difficult. Two things I avoid like the plague.

And if you're wondering how much this light system costs, it's only $6,200. Hmmm, I guess I'll only get three then.


Santa hates Rangers fans

This is an old video, although it hasn't been viewed that much. It's a bunch of Islanders fans who got free seats for dressing up like Santa, and somehow they all wound up on the ice at some point.

But what makes it great is that some idiot Rangers fan also made it out onto the ice. Naturally, the Santas made him pay for this heinous crime.


Friday links

Everybody have a Happy Holidays. I'm not going to pack it in for the next four days, because something's bound to happen in one of these crappy bowl games coming up. But don't expect much.

On to the links.

A very cool look at A-Rod's case for getting the $252 million contract he got years ago. [You Been Blinded]

The Red Sox even stick it to the Yankees in creative, ultra-subtle ways. [Home Run Derby]

Let's destroy Tony Romo. [Mr. Irrelevant]

Cam Cameron is like a bad one-night stand. [Rumors and Rants]

This is a really strange way to get revenge on Rich Rodriguez leaving WV. [Lion in Oil]

I am seriously excited for the New Mexico Bowl. Nevada, which is playing in it, not so much. [The Pig Pen]


Eddie Jones is still playing in the NBA?

This video has already made it around the interwebs a bit, but it's the Friday before Christmas and I don't feel like writing much. And odds are you're either half-drunk as you read this or you're already out of the office and aren't reading it anyway.

Anyway, this video is proof that Eddie Jones is still playing in the NBA, which was a total shock to me. It's from last Friday's game against the Hornets. Eddie is his usual savvy veteran self.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Let's 1984-ize the Olympics

Despite the recent hysteria over the Mitchell report, there are actually concerns about doping in sports besides baseball. In fact, when one thinks of doping, the Olympics usually come to mind. So how exactly can we solve the doping problem at the Olympic Games?

Why, implant computer chips in athletes so you can track their every movement, of course.

Much to my surprise, it isn't the Chinese that are suggesting this - they just brainwash people. Instead it's two reigning Olympic gold-medalists, Carolina Klüft (heptathlon) and Stefan Holm (high-jump) of Sweden, that are actively looking to make this computer chip scenario a reality.

Klüft, who's asked for this rather revolutionary method to be used in the past, still backs it. But she's also now open to just putting a GPS transmitter on the training bags of athletes.

But Holm, no sir, he wants the chip. Somebody could easily jog the bag around the stadium while the athlete is getting "Roger Clemensed" in the training room, with no one the wiser.
"It's hard to be one hundred percent sure without having a chip surgically implanted into the skin," Holm said.
And I agree. In fact, I think ALL athletes should have a chip inserted into them. That way we can constantly keep track of things like:
  • Whether Paul LoDuca was almost in a car accident or not.
  • Which strip club A-Rod likes the most.
  • If Mike Vick managed to escape prison yet.
  • What Pacman Jones is doing in his spare time.
  • If Florida State players ever attend class.
  • Where Brady Quinn goes to cry.
So yeah, I'm all for the Big Brother approach. Let's make this happen.


West Ham Christmas party pictures

As With Leather informed me of last week, EPL teams apparently have Christmas parties every year. Normally, guys dress up for these things in a style sort of similar to baseball's rookie hazing week. Anyway, here are some pictures of the costumes worn at the West Ham party (theme: sports). I take it the party went well, mainly because no players are currently being accused of rape.

Lee Bowyer trying to hang himself

Freddy Ljungberg as, um, a blind samurai?

Hogan Ephraim as one of the Glasgow Diamonds

James Collins as Sharapova

And just because I can, here's a picture of Peter Crouch from last year's Liverpool Christmas party.

Mo' pics for yer viewing pleasure at The Sun and Chicken Dinner.


Thursday links

Make that left indeed.

On to the links.

Jonathan "I.Q. 47" Papelbon had his dog eat the World Series ball. Seriously. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Wrestling is great at promoting stereotypes. [Food Court Lunch]

That was quick. A new American Gladiator did gay porn. [My Brain Says Rage]

A breakdown of the bowls, from best to worst. [Rumors and Rants]

The many hideous faces of Skip Bayless. He's like Medusa. [The Sports Hernia]

The MLB teams the prez candidates root for, courtesy of Home Run Derby. Here are the Democrats, and here are the Republicans. I'm a communist, so you know I'm a Giants fan.

I sure hope this soccer player doesn't get deported back to Africa. [The Beautiful Game]

I should have put this up yesterday, but I sleep from 4am until 8pm. It's a look back at the 1987 Celtics/Pistons. [The World of Isaac]

Who will save the Falcons? Marcus Vick, naturally. [Throwing Into Traffic]


Tony Montana should have used a yo-yo

This strangely hilarious ad actually features two yo-yo professionals - Paul Yath and Patrick Mitchell. I've never heard of them either, and I had no idea there's actual professional yo-yoing. But they show you that yo-yos aren't just for kids that are afraid of the sun and fresh air. Yo-yos are straight-up gangsta, son!

Next time some sucka insults you, bust the side of their face with a yo-yo. They'll never mess with you again - after they kill you, of course.


Back in style on the Blog Show

We made an appearance on the Blog Show this week. Well, sort of two appearances. Anyway, thanks to Mottram and Steinz. And we like the nickname Nick "The City" Young.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Cool Brazilian names for American athletes

Brazilian athletes are well known for having rather cool single names that they go by: Rivaldo, Romario, Kaka, Ronaldinho, Nene, etc.

Naturally, when you're bored out of your mind at work, you can't help but wonder what American athletes' names would turn out to be if they were Brazilian. Luckily there's a Brazilian name generator out there to do the job for us. Let's see what we got for some well known athletes.

Derek Jeter

LeBron James

Purple Jesus

Michael Vick

Vinny Testaverde

Tim Duncan

TJ Houshmanzada

JaMarcus Russell, who hopefully will be a saint for the Raiders

Steve Nash

Roger Clemens

College basketball player Chief Kickingstallionsims

Brady Quinn

I can't be the only one that finds it hilarious that both Quinn and Jeter have Brazilian names that come awful close to "Dildo." If you want to kill a few hours today, here's the site. Enjoyito.


PETA just won't stop

You'd think PETA would let sleeping dogs lie, but I guess they decided not to do that. PETA now has a holiday email card you can send out which features a mini-Vick in a prison snow globe. Shake it up and Vick goes flying. I did everything I could to free #7, but nothing worked. Those prison walls are too sturdy.

By the way, is there any worse group to get on the bad side of than PETA? I'd say the Russian Mafia, and that's about it.


Wednesday links

As you can see above, my ride kinda got stuck while I was cruising around SF yesterday.

On to the links.

A look back at some great sports streaks. [The Sports Hernia]

It's going to cost you more than double for an ad spot during the Giants/Pats game, which about 70% of America won't be able to see. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

What is going on with the Blazers? They be on fire, son. [The Pig Pen]

The Wizards assistant coaches lace 'em up. [Scott Van Pelt Style]

The Pro Bowl is lame. [Rumors and Rants]

God lord, Peter Puck is back after a 28-year absence. [Going Five Hole]

Will the Dodgers' new Japanese import be as bad as Kei Igawa was for the Yanks? [All on the Field]


This could end badly

I actually remember a time when motocross guys doing a backflip was considered completely nuts. That was like 5 years ago. Now, a backflip is considered par for the course.

Well, now race cars want to get into the mix as well. Yes, you read that right.

On New Year's Eve at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, some crazy dude named Rhys Millen will attempt the first ever - purposely performed - backflip of an off-road racing truck.

What's hilarious is that even Rhys has never done this, the photo above is a photoshop. But don't worry, he's qualified for it, right?

As Auto Blog notes: The experiment is no far stretch for Mr. Millen as he has performed many movie stunts behind the wheel, along with claiming Pike's Peak and Formula D titles.

Yes, because winning truck series titles is definitely the equivalent of launching your truck 3 stories into the air to do a backflip. I can't see any problem with that logic at all.

Anyway, if you're looking for a YouTube clip for your blog on January 1st, whatever transpires at this event is probably right up your alley.


Somebody really doesn't like Maria's grunting

Considering how little tennis I watch, I could care less whether players grunted or not. Hell, they could scream their heads off on every point and I wouldn't care - because I'm not watching.

But I guess the 11 people out there that do care about tennis are beginning to get a bit mad at Maria Sharapova for grunting repeatedly. Sharapova's grunting has been recorded at 101.2 decibels - the equivalent, apparently, of a police siren at close range or a small aircraft landing nearby.

Some people say grunting constitutes "cheating," because it's a deliberate tactic to prevent an opposing player from hearing the sound of the ball on the racquet. Ok, that's somewhat believable.

But this next idea for how to combat it is ridiculous.

Judy Dalton, one of the Womens Tennis Association founders, and a multiple-time grand slam champion, said she thinks Sharapova's opponents should forfeit matches until she stops grunting so loud.
"If that was me and I was playing Sharapova, I would be saying, 'If you continue with that, you can have the match - I'll walk off and I'll lodge a complaint.' The other girls should say, 'Fine, I'll forfeit the match'. They can only forfeit so many matches and that might get the message across."
Yes, that's quite productive. Rather than, say, threaten to suspend her, advise everyone to forfeit to her. That'll make me even less likely to watch tennis, if that's even possible.

But I think the real question most people are wondering about is, does Sharapova's grunting translate elsewhere? The answer is apparently no.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Chris Farley's sports skits and other classics

Ten years ago today, Chris Farley passed away. The man was a genius at physical comedy and I still miss his awesome SNL skits. In tribute to Farley, here's a look back at some of the sports-related skits and commercials he did over the years, and a few other choice clips.

This took me forever to find (suck it NBC). It's the ultra classic Superfans skit with Michael Jordan where they debate Ditka versus a hurricane and Farley has the massive heart attack.

Farley also once did an ad for ESPN, recreating the final moments of the Duke/Kentucky thriller.

About 1:40 into this video you get the classic Farley ice skating clip.

The famous El Nino clip.

This Colombian coffee ad always killed me.

The famous Chippendales dance.

And of course, the legendary Matt Foley skit.

BY SPECIAL REQUEST, here's the Schmitts Gay skit.


Suddenly, I love hockey

I don't know much about the Vancouver Canucks, except that Vancouver is a great city. I guess that's not really a comment about the hockey team, but whatever, it's all I know. But that's about to change. This video, which comes from a Canucks fan site called Ultimate Canucks Search, is - dare I say - illmatic. A sample of the lyrics:
When we're on the ice, we be keepin' goalies bizzay
Cyclin' that puck, in the corner t'ill you're dizzay
Now that's quality NHL rapping. They also did a video about 9 months ago that was pretty awesome.

Keep this up hockey, and I might move you up past competitive eating contests on my sports viewing depth chart.


Tuesday links

That Peterson kid can really play.

On to the links.

Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, dawg. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

NOIS supports the fine on the Falcons who celebrated with the Free Mike Vick shirt. [NOIS]

The Rockets sing Christmas carols. [Deuce of Davenport]

Watching the Giants is like business travel. It sucks. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]

The Florida basketball team is filled with guys you've never heard of, but they're good. [Storming the Floor]

Kind of a bad week for the Cowboys. [The Pig Pen]

There will be much fewer hot girls at Cubs games now. [Rumors and Rants]

Home Run Derby has an interesting plan to win the Blog of the Year Tournament. [Home Run Derby]


George Foreman hearts Mike Vick and grills. But mostly grills.

The other day the good lads at Construda passed along a link to me which contained Mike Vick's remorseful letter to Judge Hudson. They also mentioned that George Foreman was one of the people who wrote a letter of support for Vick, and that Foreman hawked his grill in the letter at the same time.

That is indeed correct. But I think we need to make it better known what exactly George said. Let's have a quick read of the pdf:
Dear Judge Hudson:

I'm a fulltime minister at the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ in Houston, Texas, former two-time Heavyweight Champion of the world, and known all over the world as the king of the grills because of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine.

But the real story is that as a young boy I prowled the streets of Houston, TX as a thief.....
I think the real story, George, is that you're making a ridiculously shameful (and hilarious) ploy to get, um, I guess the judge and his legal staff to buy your grills. After all, there's profit to be had, and nothing says capitalism like advertising your product in a letter of support for the leader of a dogfighting ring.

If I were the judge, I would have given Vick life after reading Foreman's letter.

By the way, I'd like to mention that Hank Aaron also wrote a letter of support for Mike Vick and never brought up that he was a Hall of Famer or the true home run king. Nor did he hawk a grill.


Carl rips the Mitchell Report and bloggers

For anybody who reads this site regularly, it shouldn't come as any surprise to you that I'm a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. How "Frat Aliens" didn't get an Emmy nomination, I'll never know. Anyway, here's Carl going off about the small number of Red Sox players that turned up in the Mitchell Report, and he also takes a shot at bloggers.

Why? I'll let Carl explain, but it involves a blog suggesting Derek Jeter did something inappropriate with Whitey Ford. Which of course is true, because blogs never lie.


Monday, December 17, 2007

MMA stars make awesomely surreal foreign ads

There's no question that MMA has come a long way. Once labeled "human cockfighting" by Sen. John McCain, it's now become pretty mainstream. But not quite mainstream enough that you see Quinton Jackson selling Campbell's Chunky Soup. But fear not. MMA fighters are hot commodities abroad, particularly in Japan, where they make surreal and otherworldly ads.

So with that said, let's take a look at some of the ads out there that MMA fighters have done abroad.

This ad features Mark Coleman and Wanderlei Silva. It's like a cross between the Matrix and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. To say it's not a particularly masculine ad would probably be being kind.

Here's Cro Cop as a talk show host who enjoys punching giant coffee beans. Um, what? Exactly.

Bob Sapp is known mostly for fighting in K-1, but he's also a huge star in Japan. In Japan he's appeared in 23 commercials, been on TV 200 times, and has 200 products with his name or image on them. Here's one example of his 23 commercials. This one is him dancing for pizza. Not what you'd expect from a man nicknamed "The Beast."

And here's a Bob Sapp candy ad that, quite frankly, made me wonder if I was on drugs after I saw it.

And if there's any country that you expect awesome, high-quality commercials to come from, it's definitely Croatia. Naturally, Cro Cop has a starring role.

This commercial will make it clear to you why MMA fighter ads here in the States have a long way to go. This is Randy Couture for some car thing. It sucks.

Obviously we need to step it up here at home. I won't rest until Chuck Liddell is hawking waffle irons on ABC.


David Garrard: 1920s Crimefighter

Here's David Garrard doing his best Eliot Ness impersonation after beating the Steelers. Once the press conference finished he and 10 other Jags players stopped the flow of illegal hooch into Pittsburgh.

Here's Eliot Garrard in action.
Lady Liquor stands no chance against him and his men.


What Wayne Rooney be drivin'

Considering soccer players are some of the wealthiest athletes on the planet, they tend to have more than a few cars. Those cars come in particularly handy when they're broke 25 years from now and have to sell them for cash. But we're not there yet.

Anyway, we managed to find out what cars Wayne Rooney apparently has in his possession. So if you want to see what he's rollin' in, here you go. [Note: These are the models of cars he has, not his actual cars.]

Audi TT



Chrysler 300C

Cadillac Escalade

Porsche 911

Mercedes SLK

There's no question that it's an impressive collection, although the lack of a Bentley is troubling. But I'm guessing that the Roonster probably hasn't brought a lot of flavor to his cars. Maybe some rims on the Escalade, but that's probably it. I'm sure none of his rides are as tight as Devin Hester's ride - which comes complete with Louis Vitton paint job and interior. Actually, that's sort of bizarre.

But still, not even Hester's ride can compare to Darius Miles' pimped out Bonneville.

The hood is even better. And yes, that's Ben Franklin smoking a joint. Here's a closer look if you want.

But none of these cars compare to mine. I call my car Coche del Diablo. Which roughly translates as "My car is badass, fool."

HT: Deuce of Davenport for Coche del Diablo.


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