The quest for the worst Super Bowl ad ever

You probably don't remember this SalesGenie Super Bowl commercial from last year. Or maybe you do because it was so awful.



Yep, no dancing celebrities, no monkeys, no making it rain. And to top it all off, the ad looks like it was filmed for a local television station. It's an absolute crime that this thing appeared during the Super Bowl. I want the best, most expensive, and ridiculous ads during the Super Bowl, period.

But SalesGenie could care less. Even though the commercial was voted the worst of last year's Super Bowl ads, it helped the company make some serious bank by driving traffic to the site.

So what are they planning on doing this year? Why, making three even worse commercials, of course.

"If it positively impacts business like it did last year, we’d be thrilled to be the worst again," said founder and chairman Vin Gupta.

Way to shoot for the stars, Vin. By the way, Gupta was the mind behind last year's wonder, and he penned the three pieces of shit the company will unveil this year. They'll hit the airwaves during Super Bowl XLII’s pre-game show, first and third quarter action.

While that certainly sucks, at least you won't have to watch the third quarter ad because whatever NFC team is playing the Patriots will have forfeited by then.


By the way, in my enlightened opinion, this is the best Super Bowl ad ever.


-WCK

MMA stars make awesomely surreal foreign ads

There's no question that MMA has come a long way. Once labeled "human cockfighting" by Sen. John McCain, it's now become pretty mainstream. But not quite mainstream enough that you see Quinton Jackson selling Campbell's Chunky Soup. But fear not. MMA fighters are hot commodities abroad, particularly in Japan, where they make surreal and otherworldly ads.

So with that said, let's take a look at some of the ads out there that MMA fighters have done abroad.


This ad features Mark Coleman and Wanderlei Silva. It's like a cross between the Matrix and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. To say it's not a particularly masculine ad would probably be being kind.



Here's Cro Cop as a talk show host who enjoys punching giant coffee beans. Um, what? Exactly.


Bob Sapp is known mostly for fighting in K-1, but he's also a huge star in Japan. In Japan he's appeared in 23 commercials, been on TV 200 times, and has 200 products with his name or image on them. Here's one example of his 23 commercials. This one is him dancing for pizza. Not what you'd expect from a man nicknamed "The Beast."


And here's a Bob Sapp candy ad that, quite frankly, made me wonder if I was on drugs after I saw it.


And if there's any country that you expect awesome, high-quality commercials to come from, it's definitely Croatia. Naturally, Cro Cop has a starring role.


This commercial will make it clear to you why MMA fighter ads here in the States have a long way to go. This is Randy Couture for some car thing. It sucks.

Obviously we need to step it up here at home. I won't rest until Chuck Liddell is hawking waffle irons on ABC.

-WCK

The ad that be blowing up in China, son

This is the brand new Adidas ad that's currently airing in China. Unfortunately, it's nothing outlandishly crazy, although it's still pretty weird. According to Shanghaiist, this commercial took 6 months to produce. Why? Well, I can only assume because they hired some lazy ass fools to do it. There's really no other explanation.

-WCK

If you're fat, don't watch this

This is the most ridiculous commercial I've seen in a long time. It's from Denver, where there's some guy that runs a fitness center called Anti-Gym that I guess is supposed to help you get thin without having to lift weights or do much. Sweet.

But his commercials are, uh, not kind to chubby individuals of the female persuasion. I'm just glad he didn't beat her to death.

HT: SteveSilver.net

-WCK

Agent Zero, still awesome

I'd like to thank both The WizzNutzz and the Fanhouse for getting this new Agent Zero mini-film up (You can see 3 others at WizzNutzz, but I think this is the best one). There's really no way to describe this ad. It's like Castaway meets Gilligan's Island meets the worst acid trip you've ever been on.

Bravo Agent Zero. Keep 'em coming.

-WCK

Nick Saban's sleaziness can help you win elections

Exceptional work by Mac Gs World for finding this gem of a political ad (which appeared on Epic Carnival) that calls out Nick Saban, not once, but twice. Shockingly, Saban is compared in the ad to a sleazy lobbyist. I feel bad for him...by which I mean the lobbyist.

-WCK

A look at Nike's ads in China for the Olympic Games

Don't even ask me how I got my hands on this, but it's a series of Nike ads that they're running in China to promote the Games. The ads feature everday people suddenly breaking out into an Olympic event. The best one comes around the 1:40 mark, when a dude gets wrecked Judo style by his date. Happens to me all the time.

-WCK

More ridiculous old school athlete ads

Yesterday's post on horrible old athlete commercials was well received, so we thought we'd bring you some more, since we obviously missed some. Here you go, more epically awful old school athlete commercials.

This commercial is so bad, that it's awesome. It's Iron Head Heyward's legendary Zest ad, passed along by reader Chuck. "But Iron Head, what's with this thingie?"


I owe the Fanhouse a lot for finding this hideous Chardon jeans ad featuring Larry Bird. This ad is so dated I think I aged 10 years just watching it. Not to mention it uses Bird's butt as a marketing tool. Yikes.


Jim Palmer did a lot of Fruit of the Loom underwear ads back in the day, and luckily we're not showing you them. Instead here's his hilarious Brylcream ad. I have no doubt that Brylcream helped him wind up on our list of athletes with illegitimate kids.


Apparently Ted Williams did bread ads back in the day. Be sure to keep your Ted Williams endorsed bread at -100 degrees Fahrenheit.


Phil Rizzuto is well known for having helped rip-off thousands of New Yorkers by shilling for The Money Store. Phil, giving someone a second mortgage at an almost 15% interest rate isn't a good deal, it's practically criminal. Also watch Phil do his Money Store pitch with Santa.


Tommy Lasorda, if you remember, did those awful Ultra SlimFast commercials. You don't want to see those ads again. But he also hawked Genesis video games.


And here's Magic Johnson playing a game of HORSE for 7-Up against some female basketball player named Ann Meyers who sort of resembles Larry Bird.


Unfortunately, the most awesome sports commercial ever, Tom Emanski's baseball instruction video (back-to-back-to-back AAU National Champions!) isn't on video. So here's a pic of The Crime Dog doing his thing from the ad.
"This is the instructional video that gets results!"

-WCK

Old school athlete ads are horribly awesome

On Veterans Day we should probably have a post about athletes who were in the military, but that would be too easy. So instead we're going to take a look back at the brave sports figures who appeared in ridiculous commercials for cash money.

Ok, I probably shouldn't have said brave sports figures, since this commercial has OJ in it. But honestly, I'd never be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I ever appeared in an ad like this.


This Wheaties commercial involves athletes rapping, which is always a winner. Darryl Dawkins steals the show with his memorable line of "Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties." He clearly missed the boat by not becoming a rapper.


Whether you want more athletes rapping or not, you're gonna get them. Don't pay any attention to the first ad, but play close attention to the second. It features Warren Moon, Ronnie Lott and Boomer Esiason rapping about Diet Coke. Shameless might be too kind of a word to describe this ad.


This is unquestionably the most homoerotic Gatorade ad you will ever see. Thank God they eventually got Michael Jordan as a pitch man before they cornered the gay market.


Speaking of bizarrely homoerotic ads, here's Roger Clemens in an old Zest ad. (Shudder)


Mickey Mantle (seemingly sober) actually hawked a somewhat intriguing product from Intellivision that involved getting games through cable TV. It was sort of an early version of GameTap. Only problem is this was for Intellivision games, and they sucked.


Mantle also did a horrible athletes foot ad for some product that sounds like a fighter jet.


How about Roger Staubach and Tommie Lasorda in a Rolaids ad? At least Lasorda didn't take his pants off.


Tom Landry goes Cowboy on us. And lamely runs into some "Redskins."


And lastly, here's Pete Rose doing what all masculine men do: They sing stupid songs about their aftershave. Totally manly.


I realize that in 20 years I'll find some of today's current ads a bit dated, but they'll still be better than all of these. Especially that OJ ad.

-WCK

Blaxploitation is alive and well in Minnesota

It's likely going to be a long season for the Timberwolves. They're young and not very good right now. But they have one of the better tv ad campaigns in recent memory. They managed to get 3'11" Archibald "Sweetwater" Jones, who was an ABA and NBA journeyman during the 1970s, to do some awesome blaxploitation style ads. Even better is that Mark Madsen is in them. Right on.

-WCK

Unless you're Peyton Manning, don't appear in national ads

It's hard to miss Peyton Manning when you're watching TV. That's because he appears in an average of 3 ads per commercial break. That hasn't hurt the Colts at all because they're 7-0. But pretty much every other NFL star that's appeared in national TV ads this season has watched their team stink up the joint.

Let's take a look:

Steven Jackson - Nike ad. Team record: 0-7 and got injured.
Shawne Merriman - Nike ad. Team record 3-3.
LaDainian Tomlinson - Vizio ad. Team record 3-3.
Reggie Bush - Subway ad. Team record 2-4.
Jason Taylor - A version of him appears in Manning's phone ad. Team record: 0-7.
Vince Young - Madden. Team record: 4-2 and got injured.
Tony Romo - Pepsi ad. Team record: 6-1.

We realize Marvin Harrison appears in Manning's ad as well, but since he's Manning's teammate, he doesn't count.

So if you take Manning (and Harrison) out of the equation, guys that have appeared prominently in national TV ads have a combined record of 15-24 (We're counting Merriman and Tomlinson as one) with only the Titans and Cowboys having winning records. That's horrible. I'm guessing Nike wishes they had gotten someone besides Steven Jackson in their marquee ad.

At least the Cowboys are 6-1, but that's definitely because Romo gets sacked and fumbles in his commercial.

-WCK

Indian sports stars make awesome commercials

This is an X-Box commercial that features two of India's top cricket players, Akshay Kumar and Yuvraj Singh. It's, uh, interesting.

-WCK

Play golf and take a dump at the same time

Some inventions are seriously stupid. Yet others are so insanely stupid that they somehow become cool. I'm not sure where this one falls exactly, but it's certainly intriguing.

The object you see to your right is the Potty Putter and it's been around since 2001, supposedly. If that's true, then I guess at least a few people out there own it.

Here's the information about what comes in the box:

No longer will your spouse/partner not have an excuse to putter around the house, at least in the bathroom. The kit includes a putting green, 2 golf balls, a mini-putter, a hole with flag stick and a “Do Not Disturb” sign. Pre-order for an October 5 delivery from Latest Buy with a price of AU $29.95 (~$26.66.)

The Potty Putter of course brings new meaning to the term hole-in-one. By the way, I wonder if Tiger used the Potty Putter when he was taking a dump at the US Open.

According to the internet, which is always right and should never be questioned, there was a real infomercial for this thing back in the day featuring actors and actresses putting with their pants off, which I'm sure was the highlight of all their careers. Unfortunately, no version of the infomercial exists on the internet.

However, here's a video featuring the Potty Putter and some other weird sports inventions that involve relieving yourself - including a portable urinal. Excellent.



-WCK

There's some tension here

We're a little short on content today, so here's some filler. Nothing like an incredibly awkward beer commercial featuring Billy Martin and Steinbrenner.

By the way, why the hell is there a phone in the ad?

-WCK

Roger Clemens wants you to be Zestfully clean

I'm not a fan of Roger Clemens. And this video did nothing to change that. This is baseball's most famous overpriced mercenary in a 1987 Zest commercial, and it'll leave you feeling dirty rather than clean.

-WCK

Yi Jianlian likes milk...and threesomes

Yep, it's NBA Draft week, which means it's time to check out weird foreign commercials for future NBA stars (or flops). Here's Yi Jianlian in an intensely dramatic and confusing Chinese commercial for milk. Don't worry if you don't speak Chinese. I'm not sure this commercial would make any more sense if they were speaking English anyway. My favorite part is the girl playing the violin that doesn't exist.

I believe the message of the ad is: girls like milk. Or something like that.

-WCK