Vancouver is not your brother's keeper

When you host the Olympics, one of the things you want to do is tidy up your city just before everyone comes to town. That way people will see how clean and great your city is and will hopefully come back to visit again some day.

But it's tough cleaning up a city, especially when smelly homeless junkies are out doing heroin and crack all over your streets. So what do you do when you're looking to cut the homeless problem in your city by 50% by the time the Olympics come to town? Why, you stick said homeless drug addicts on a one-way plane out of town is what you do.

Yep, Vancouver is in the midst of seriously considering a plan to fly homeless and drug addicted individuals out of the city in time for the 2010 Olympics. That's because Vancouver - despite having the reputation of a clean city - has what a U.N. official recently called one of the world's worst slums in an affluent city. And the plan to send people off on planes wasn't cooked up by some nut. It was devised by the Chief of Police, the Civil City Commissioner, and a member of the Vancouver Board of Trade. Classy.

The plan is to collect a ton of donated frequent flyer miles and then "send people back to where they came from." Which I believe would be the gutter...of some other city. Truly a problem solving plan if ever there was one.

And just so everyone knows it's serious, the chairman of the Vancouver Board of Trade has already donated 100,000 miles. Because those miles definitely get to the root of the problem.

If you think this is bad (or maybe you think it's good), Atlanta did something similar in 1996 just before the Olympics. They rounded up as many homeless people as they could find, threw them on buses, drove them to the edge of the city and then threatened them with six months of jail time if they returned. Sort of like Rambo, except no homeless people came back and shot up a police station. Yet.

But hey, at least homeless people in the US and Canada get free plane trips and bus rides when the Olympics come to town. I have a feeling they won't be doing that in China.

-WCK

Travis Henry's kids are in a lot of trouble

Travis Henry. Man, myth, legend. And of course father to nine illegitimate kids. As some of you may remember, Henry has had some trouble paying all of his child support. Which is why this upcoming news is potentially devastating to a rather large group of people.

Henry just tested positive for marijuana use and could be suspended for a year. Hope you like bread and water kids.

Yes, Henry previously served a four-game suspension from the NFL for violating the league's substance abuse policy in September 2005 as a member of the Tennessee Titans. Henry can appeal the latest violation, but if it's denied he'll begin serving a one-year suspension immediately.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that the NFL simply can't suspend Henry. Considering this man is the bread winner for the equivalent of an army battalion, the NFL should make special considerations. Otherwise we might get word of a starvation wave that's sweeping sections of the country.

But on the bright side, if Henry gets suspended he can always spend time with the kids. That is if he can actually remember where they all are.

-WCK

Tractor Traylor gets sentenced for aiding a drug kingpin

The Tractor Traylor saga isn't quite the same as the Vick saga, primarily because Traylor isn't as well known as Vick. But it's still interesting nonetheless.

Traylor's name was used, of his own accord, to make it appear that he purchased two Detroit rental properties several years ago. The properties actually were owned by his cousin Quasand Lewis, a convicted drug trafficker and money launderer, according to federal prosecutors.

When Lewis was finally busted by federal authorities in 2004, he had sold an estimated $178 million in marijuana and cocaine in metro Detroit and had associates with suspected links to nearly a dozen murders and four fire-bombed houses, according to federal prosecutors. They declared Lewis as the kingpin of a massive and ruthless organized crime ring and deemed him Michigan's biggest pot dealer, perhaps ever.

It was never really determined why Traylor helped Lewis, aside from the fact that they're family. Traylor wound up helping him launder about $4 million.

Anyway, Traylor pleaded guilty in January to a charge of aiding and assisting in the preparation of a false tax return. He could have been sentenced to up to 14 months in federal prison.

Instead, Traylor received three years of probation on Friday.

He'll serve the first three months of his probation in a halfway house and the next three months in home confinement. Since he's currently playing pro ball in Puerto Rico - which is a long, long fall from being the 6th pick in the 1998 NBA Draft - his sentence will be served in the offseason.

Although Traylor's specific story is different from Vick's, it still begs the same question, why in the hell do some athletes do stuff like this? It's sort of depressing to watch certain pro athletes continually get pulled down by some of the people they happen to associate themselves with. We've seen this a million times in sports, from Vick to Pacman to Pete Rose.

Whatever, it's not like it's ever going to change anyway. Hope you're enjoying the legal cock fights in Puerto Rico, Tractor. Maybe when Vick gets out of prison he can join you there.

-WCK

Lie detectors to be used to stop the use of performance enhancing drugs

I always, repeat ALWAYS, go to The Scotsman for all my news. That aside, they had one really interesting article from late last week.

In an effort to put a dent into the performance enhancing drugs that dominate the sport of pro bodybuilding, a team of lie detecting specialists are being flown out to Edinburgh later this month to quiz 75 bodybuilders.

Former FBI expert Al Lombardo will lead a group testing competitors in the British Natural Bodybuilding Championships to ensure they are drug-free.

The New York-based polygraph consultant, who runs a professional lie detecting company, was invited by officials to screen entrants on computerized lie-detecting kits.

Vicky McCann, who is the current Natural Miss Universe titleholder and the federation's co-founder, said "Some bodybuilders try to use growth hormones that don't even show up on normal drugs tests, so the polygraph machines will help find out if anyone has been trying to gain an unfair advantage."

All entrants will be quizzed prior to the competition.

I find this absolutely fascinating. The idea of quizzing NFL and MLB players, along with guys like Lance Armstrong, about whether they've ever used performance enhancing drugs is incredibly intriguing. Even though lie-detectors are far from perfect, they're pretty tough to beat. And my cynical nature tells me that a lot of guys would fail the test.

I don't think we're ever going to see this happen for any of the major sports leagues here in the states, but you never know. Stranger things have happened.

-WCK

The Straw apologizes for himself and Jason Giambi

From the Anything For a Buck file, we're proud to bring you the story of a totally first-rate Long Island memorabilia company that is selling baseballs autographed by scandal-tainted superstars Jason Giambi and Darryl Strawberry that come with this inscription: "Everybody deserves a 2nd chance." I should make it clear that each ball is signed by both men, although the inscription comes just from Straw.

You could probably make the case that Straw should have written "Everybody deserves a 79th chance."

The balls are being offered for $199.99 by Authentic Memorabilia of Great Neck, Long Island. The company's Web site says it has 10 balls still in stock.

Interestingly, the balls were originally signed just by Giambi with no inscription, but weren't selling at all. The company said since there wasn't much interest in the Giambi-autographed balls, they asked Strawberry to sign his name and add the inscription. The memorabilia company said Giambi's representatives were aware of the balls, but Giambi's agent, Arn Tellem, declined to comment.

This wouldn't be the first time a player has used a baseball to comment on his life. Pete Rose signed dozens of "confession balls" that included the inscription "I'm sorry I bet on baseball." The balls went for as much as $10,000.

I just think the most telling thing is more people want Straw's autograph than Giambi's.

Anyway, this "confession" of sorts got us thinking about what other things athletes might confess to on some sort of memorabilia. So here you go:

"You might need this."
-Derek Jeter, signed on a box of Valtrex

"I should have used more of these."
-Shawn Kemp, signed on a condom. Can add Tom Brady and Matt Leinart's signatures for an extra $200.

"This record is not tainted."
-Barry Bonds, signed on a syringe

"Yeah, I raped her."
-Kobe Bryant, signed on a basketball

"I'd take the Spurs tonight."
-Tim Donaghy, signed on a basketball

"Stop snitching."
-Michael Vick, signed on a court order.

-WCK

Stoners light up the Congressional Softball League

The Congressional Softball League is a strange beast. The league itself springs to life in the summertime on the National Mall and is made up of people from Congressional offices, lobbying and consulting firms, non-profit organizations, and local businesses. It's well known for drawing psychotic staffers with a competetive edge, zombified IRS employees looking for a break, and even a few Congressmen from time to time.

People take it pretty seriously, I should know, since I was once a mercenary ringer for a Senate office team. The winner has DC bragging rights for a year. So that's why I'm especially glad this year The One Hitters (great name), a softball team sponsored by Students for Sensible Drug Policy and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, took over the #1 ranking in the league on August 1st.

It's not every day that stoners excel at sports and stick it to jackass politicians in the process. Believe it or not, two years ago The One Hitters made news when the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy refused to play a game against them because of ideological reasons. I'm not sure why, since Bush did a lot drugs when he was younger.

Even better, the team is still talking shit to the Drug Czar.

“Everyone knows that ONDCP backed out because they were scared of losing to us on the field, much the same way they are afraid to debate us because their policies fail in the court of public opinion,” said center fielder David Guard. “We have an open challenge to the Drug Czar to play or debate anytime, anywhere.”

You tell 'em David. The Drug Czar is a huge pussy. And if The One Hitters need an extra bat I'm totally available. The team currently sports a 13-3 record, and I'll gladly be cheering them on. Right after I finish this bowl.

-WCK