Mr. Testicles is surprisingly athletic

You may remember a little more than a month ago we had a links post where we put up a picture from the Chicago Marathon of a giant testicle mascot. Anyway, Brazil Thrill in a comment on Deadspin let us know the mascot is actually Mr. Testicles of the Male Cancer Awareness Campaign. Which is good news, because I couldn't imagine anyone wearing that costume for fun.

But it turns out Mr. Testicles is a sports fiend, which I guess makes sense considering he's attempting to reach a male audience. It might also be a good idea to have a sign on him that says "Prostate Cancer Awareness" so people don't just think he's a weirdo in a testicle costume, but whatever. So what sports does Mr. Testicles enjoy? Well, let's take a look.


As you can tell, he totally digs snowboarding.



And skiing too.



And don't worry ladies, he has a soft side as well. By which I mean he figure skates.

But don't get the impression that he shrinks from non-Winter sports competition. As you know he ran in the Chicago Marathon. But he's also run in the NYC Marathon.
He also kept a blog of the Chicago run, if you can believe that. It contains everything you'd expect, like this quote: The volume of support was at times deafening, but it was my fellow runners who gave me the support I needed. “Go Mr Testicles, Go ball sack man!”

He even ran across the UK this summer.
"With my pubes flapping in the breeze, I marched my way forward from Lands End at the very bottom of the UK."

Um, thanks for the description.

And before this post gets completely out of hand, he'll be taking the field to play some soccer at halftime of the Everton v. Sunderland EPL match this Saturday.

Way to go Mr. Testicles. At least have the balls not to flop during the soccer game.

-WCK

Magically appearing toilets

This may be the greatest invention since sliced bread. The Jinan Environment Sanitation Science Research Centre is developing China’s first hidden public toilet just in time for the 2008 Olympic Games. Wait, what?

When the toilet is hidden from view only a sculpture located on top of it can be seen. These toilets will be installed on lawns beside the sidewalk along main streets and bus stops and will be operated by inserting a 1 yuan coin. One second there's a sculpture, the next second up pops the toilet out of the ground.

You've got to be kidding me. God bless you China. This is an awesome idea until someone winds up stuck underground after dropping a deuce and suffocates to death. Not the best way to go, no sir.

HT: Spluch

-WCK

Jason Elam has written the weirdest book ever

There's really no simple way to say this. Jason Elam, the longtime Denver Broncos kicker, has a book coming out in January entitled Monday Night Jihad.

You can stop laughing, because this isn't a joke at all. Even though Elam hasn't written anything since college, he somehow has authored a 350-page book that is loosely based on his life. The main character of the book will be Riley Covington, a military guy who has finished serving a tour of duty who then comes back to play for the local pro football team only to find himself brought back into the military world unexpectedly. Just so you know, Covington will not be a kicker.

The idea for the book came mainly from Elam's experiences as a pro football player. But it also came from time he spent in the Middle East. He got background for his book when he visited the Gaza Strip last year and got caught in a shootout. Sweet.

"What I was hoping to do, and think I pulled off, was contrast Christianity with radical Islam and moderate Islam," Elam said. "If Osama bin Laden himself were to pick up this book and read it, I'd want him to say, 'Yeah, that's why I do what I do. That's how I justify, how I reconcile, that's what I believe.'"

If you think there's no way this'll work, I'd have to agree with you. But apparently the publishing industry doesn't agree with us. That's because Elam already has a contract for a second book, with the lead character along the lines of fictional adventurer Dirk Pitt out of the Clive Cussler novels.

So if you're looking for a book about an NFL player who battles terrorists and solves the Mid-East crisis in his spare time, it'll soon be available. You can read an excerpt here.

I think I can confidently say without question that Elam is the new Shakespeare.

-WCK

A different way to get your hands on World Series tickets

You can never really trust Craigslist ads, since it's possible someone could just be posting something as a joke. But for some reason, I sort of believe this one.

Some woman in Colorado has a proposal out there for an interested party. She's got 4 tickets to the World Series in Colorado, but isn't really interested in going. So she'll swap the tickets with you provided you pay for her boob-job.

I was one of the lucky ones and got world series tickets. I have 4 tickets in hand, but honestly would like to get my boobs enhanced....=-)If it helps here is a desricption of me, I am Italian 5'4 125 lbs, long beautiful hair, pretty face...just a little small in the breast area.... I know this sounds shallow, but I figure someone out there would like to go to the game more than me. Tickets are lower level, and I have 4....make me an offer I can't refuse....or we can make a transaction at the plastic surgeons office of my choice here in Denver....plus I will send you before and after photos!! =-) Best wishes to all......

I like how she'll send before and after pictures, just so you can see where your money went. The interesting thing is that it may actually be cheaper to buy her the boob-job than actually buy the tickets straight up. World Series tickets have gone for as high as $1,400 this year. A boob-job, when it's all said and done, usually ranges from $4,000 to $10,000. So if she's up for a cheaper job, you might actually save money. That seems like a good deal for everyone.

-WCK

Germans like racing kitchen appliances

I had no idea about this, but apparently over in Germany wok-racing is a real sport. Yeah, woks. They modify Chinese woks and race them down an Olympic bobsled track in real competitions. Sounds incredibly safe to me. I'm going to see what I can get out of my cheese grater this winter.

HT: Neatorama

-WCK

The U wants you to party down

The University of Miami isn't really well known for its basketball team, but it's definitely looking to change that.

How? By adding a hot tub to the student section of course.

Yes, besides dropping most season-ticket prices by about 50 percent to boost the basketball team's attendance, the U will add a hot tub, a sandbox and lifeguard tower in the student seating section and students will be encouraged to attend games in beach attire. This is all according to the Miami Herald, so no, I'm not making this up.

If a hot tub isn't enough for you, elsewhere in the arena you'll have the ability to get in-game shoe-shines, massages and haircuts. A computer work-station will also be offered, although I'm not sure why. I think I'd be lining up for the hot tub well before the computer work-station.

Now I know what you're thinking. Combining college coeds in skimpy bathing suits, along with lots of drinking, and a giant hot tub - all in one basketball arena - shouldn't raise any red flags at all.

And I agree with you completely. After all, this is the U, where partying is a right, not a privilege. And hey, Luther Campbell needs something to do in between football games. Anyway, I'm guessing that the U's basketball attendance will shoot through the roof as a result of this bizarre ploy, at least until someone contracts legionnaires disease.

-WCK

Pole Dancing classes make kids great athletes

Trust me, this move will make you a much better baseball player.

I've often wondered to myself, how can I make today's young kids better athletes? Maybe I could force them to run 2,000 miles non-stop, or make them do 1,000 pushups with me on their backs. But no, both those ideas are ridiculous.

What I really need to be doing is getting them into pole dancing, and the younger the kids the better.

Wait, someone's already doing this?

Yes, in Australia apparently you can get your kids - both boys and girls - who are as young as seven, involved in pole dancing lessons. So, uh, what exactly is the rationale behind these classes aside from greasing the skids for these kids to eventually become professional strippers?

The classes in Sydney impart pole-dancing classes as strengthening and flexibility workouts for teens and pre-teens.

Of course. And the kids love it too.

"It's really fun and you get to learn a lot of different moves. People think it's pole dancing but it's not. It's great exercise," said 11-year-old Angela.

You know what, I'm not even going to make a joke there. Naturally just a few people are upset about this.

"There are plenty of exercise tools out there. Why choose a pole, the classic phallic symbol of the pornographic world," spokeswoman Angela Conway for the Australian Family Association said. "By putting children in a pole dancing exercise class you're teaching children a sexual body language that they don't know the meaning of but adults do," she said.

Look, as far as I'm concerned, if one day we can have an Olympic gold medal winner who can also grind up and down a stripper pole, more power to them. Doesn't Amanda Beard already do this anyway?

-WCK

Xtreme Baseball has a new challenger - Ice Soccer

I thought Xtreme Baseball was a pretty stupid sport, namely because playing two games of baseball at the same time on one field really makes no sense.

But humans are a stupid breed of animal, and we will continue to try and push the limits of stupidity to no end. So here I present you with ice soccer. Yes, a company called Taylor Sports is pushing this sport real hard currently and wants to have a pro league by 2015. And it's being hawked by two former Survivor contestants! So you know it's legit, because nothing says legit like F-list celebrities that you never saw on TV. Basically you put on a football helmet, slide around the ice like an idiot, and kick around something called a Boot'r that looks like a giant black turd. I'm not sure how this league can possibly fail. I like how the site also says Before the Boot’r, soccer on ice was not a viable sport. I'm not sure it was ever meant to be a viable sport period. And man, if you thought diving was a problem in soccer...

Not great, but if the league ever starts making hits like this, then I'll definitely watch it.


-WCK

Time to bury the Yankees, literally

Gizmodo came across an interesting product yesterday that seems better suited for today. It's MLB urns and funeral caskets. The Yankees might as well stick Chien-Ming Wang in a casket after his two hideous starts in the divisional series. Here's hoping they can cram Clemens in there as well.

Anyway, the company is called Eternal Image and they only have eight teams right now. But don't worry Toronto Blue Jays fans, soon you too will be able to be buried in an ultra tacky casket or urn that will make people laugh at your remains. We've already seen similar crap for college football fans.

I already buried my San Francisco Giants in about May, so I'm afraid I have no use for either of these lame products.

Interestingly, the company also has a deal with the American Kennel Club, so you can get an urn for your dead dog. Michael Vick would like to buy 40 of them.

-WCK

Bulls on parade, and steroids, lots and lots of steroids

I guess we all should have seen this coming. It was really only a matter of time before animals started juicing.

The sport of bull riding may start drug testing some of their competition bulls because some bull owners allegedly are injecting the animals with anabolic steroids.

Apparently it's pretty rampant in the sport.

"Oh, I think damn near everybody's doing it," said Jerry Nelson, one of the sport's top bull owners. "It ain't going to slow down. It's just like baseball, football, whatever. It's not going to slow down until you legislate (against) it."

Now I know what you're thinking. Does that mean that we have to put an asterisk by the number of cowboys Ol' Leatherneck bucked off his back in competitions? Well, maybe you weren't thinking that, but either way the answer is I don't know and I don't care.

But you'll like this comment. One owner was asked if the roided up bulls would be a danger to the cowboys riding them. His answer:

"I think they need to give the riders some steroids to help them hang on."

Excellent idea my friend. If you're not part of the solution, become part of the problem.

And for fun, here's a YouTube clip from an old post of ours of what a bull on steroids can do.

-WCK

Children Of The Corn starring Steve Nash

You know you're famous when your likeness is carved into a cornfield. That's exactly what happened to Steve Nash yesterday when Schnepf Farms in Queen Creek, Arizona announced to Nash that they'd recreated his image in their cornfield.

Needless to say, Nash found it a little weird.

"It's bizarre I don't really know what to make of it. It's just pretty cool," Nash said.

This is the fifth year that the farm has portrayed a celebrity within the cornfield. Past cornfields have depicted Larry King, Jay Leno, Oprah Winfrey and "Louis Gonzales."

"Louis" Gonzales? I guess the paper means Luis Gonzalez.

Anyway, while it may be weird for Nash to have his face carved into a cornfield, it's better than having this carved into a field.

-WCK

The Stanley Cup doesn't get you much attention in England

The NHL seems to have clearly lost its mind at this point. As you may know - wait, why would anyone know this? - the NHL is kicking off its season with a game between the Anaheim Ducks and the LA Kings this weekend in London.

In an attempt to generate some publicity for the event, the Ducks are over there lugging the Cup around London, and the Brits clearly have no clue what the hell is going on. That's probably because hockey ranks somewhere between pub cigarette eating contests and bear baiting in the British sports conciousness.

Here's some great info from The Vancouver Province:

Steve Campbell, a sports fan from northern England, looked baffled as he watched playoff star Ryan Getzlaf lug the Cup across a busy street to pose with his teammates in front of Big Ben.

"I don't really know why they're here, though I do know the NFL is due here next month," he said, referring to a heavily promoted National Football League game between the Miami Dolphins and New York Giants at Wembley Stadium on Oct. 28. "Maybe it's a bit of a promotion due to that, possibly?"

Here was Chris Pronger's take on this shitshow.

"It's a way for us to market and brand our league, and get our sport in front of some new faces and hopefully become more of a global game."

Way to go NHL. People barely even know you exist in the U.S. anymore. And your playoff games get pulled off the air for infomercials. Now you're trying to promote yourself overseas and people either don't know WTF you're doing over there or they associate you with football.

Maybe you should just try and fix things at home.

-WCK

Play golf and take a dump at the same time

Some inventions are seriously stupid. Yet others are so insanely stupid that they somehow become cool. I'm not sure where this one falls exactly, but it's certainly intriguing.

The object you see to your right is the Potty Putter and it's been around since 2001, supposedly. If that's true, then I guess at least a few people out there own it.

Here's the information about what comes in the box:

No longer will your spouse/partner not have an excuse to putter around the house, at least in the bathroom. The kit includes a putting green, 2 golf balls, a mini-putter, a hole with flag stick and a “Do Not Disturb” sign. Pre-order for an October 5 delivery from Latest Buy with a price of AU $29.95 (~$26.66.)

The Potty Putter of course brings new meaning to the term hole-in-one. By the way, I wonder if Tiger used the Potty Putter when he was taking a dump at the US Open.

According to the internet, which is always right and should never be questioned, there was a real infomercial for this thing back in the day featuring actors and actresses putting with their pants off, which I'm sure was the highlight of all their careers. Unfortunately, no version of the infomercial exists on the internet.

However, here's a video featuring the Potty Putter and some other weird sports inventions that involve relieving yourself - including a portable urinal. Excellent.



-WCK

Roy Jones Jr. attempts to save boxing by joining a frat

We all know boxing is having trouble these days. MMA is definitely kicking its ass. So the question of late has been, how does boxing save itself?

By joining frats. Uh, what?

Roy Jones Jr. - who I've very quickly forgotten about - has an upcoming fight against Felix Trinidad. Even though Jones and Trinidad are both a bit on the washed up side, Jones is intent on this being a megafight that gets people interested in boxing again. And his solution for how to accomplish this is bizarre at best.

According to East Side Boxing, Jones joined the nation's largest frat to increase his fan base for the fight.

To further his celebrity and broaden his appeal, in August, Jones became an honorary member of Tau Kappa Epsilon Fraternity. TKE is the largest social fraternity in the world with a presence on almost 300 college campuses in North America, and an initiated membership of over 220,000.

This is a frat whose members include the likes of former President Ronald Reagan, Hilton Hotel founder Conrad Hilton, Terry Bradshaw, Phil Simms, Digger Phelps and oddly Eric Bloom - the lead singer of Blue Oyster Cult.

Here's why it'll work, again according to East Side Boxing.

This is an interesting marketing strategy for the self-promoted Jones—give the guys in college a reason to watch boxing. The “hey, that’s our fraternity brother” crowd could provide a buzz among a demographic that currently seems more interested in video games and drinking games—18 to 23 year old college students. Maybe more boxers should follow Jones’s lead. Affiliating with a fraternity that exists on hundreds of college campuses provides an established fan-base of men who likely already watch sports. This could lead to wide word of mouth advertising in university circles, and could generate more buzz and attention to the boxer and to the boxing in general in the United States, which could use the help.

I went to a college that didn't allow frats, so I don't exactly know how much the "hey, that's our fraternity brother" grab-assing works, but something tells me this won't do much.

It's not that people - specifically 18 to 23 year-old male college students - don't know that boxing exists and that it needs to be passed along by word of mouth. The problem is boxing stinks in comparison to MMA. And doesn't have nearly enough ring girl wet t-shirt contests.

Besides, just because Roy is now a part of TKE, I don't exactly think that's going to make David Jones (former editor of the NYT) and Marv Levy (worst Super Bowl coach ever) tune into the fight.

However if Jones and Trinidad engage in a best of five, 10-cup Beirut tournament, I'll definitely throw down $50 for that.

-WCK

A pro football league that essentially bans all SEC players

I'd never heard about this league until now, even though Deadspin did a quick thing on tryouts for it in July, but apparently there's a for profit pro football league that's looking to start up next April called the All American Football League. We'll go into more detail on it here, and naturally rip it of course. The reason why it's popped up again is because there are tryouts at Ford Field on Sept. 13th. The league is pretty unique in that to compete in it you have to have received at least a 4-year college degree - with no exceptions.

The purpose of the league is to raise graduation rates for college football teams, you know, so that way we can have even more assholes out there with a Leisure Management degree. There will be six teams based in Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Michigan, Tennessee and Florida. One of the proposed steps is to have games held at major college universities and to have players suit up for the team hosted by their alma mater. Here it is directly from the site:

League teams will employ only those players who have both completed their college football eligibility and earned a four-year degree. This policy is expected to have a very positive impact on universities’ NCAA Graduation Success Rate and their Academic Progress Rate. To the extent practical, graduates of host universities will play for the team hosted by their alma mater.

I can't be the only who thinks Alabama might have a hard time fielding a team.

Anyway, the proposed league has many ties to the NCAA and is scheduled to run on a spring schedule so it doesn't interfere with the pro or college football seasons. Probably most notable though, is that the league says it won't skimp on the paychecks. Yearly compensation for players is supposed to be in the $100,000 range. Where exactly this money will be coming from is a huge mystery. I'm hoping bored crooked boosters. Or game-fixing gamblers. Definitely two types of people you want hanging around college campuses.

The owners of the league also seem to be a tad overconfident. On the FAQ page there's a question about why will the league be different from the USFL or the XFL. The answer:

Among other things, neither the USFL nor the XFL started out with a format designed to capitalize on an established fan base. Also, it's interesting to note that many observers feel that the USFL would have been successful if it had maintained its original spring season format.

That seems a bit presumptuous to me. The USFL and XFL were looking at the pro football fan base and were trying to grab a piece of it, which they didn't manage to do. Does the All American Football League really believe that suddenly University of Florida fans (provided the university theoretically decides to host a team) are suddenly going to be drawn to a game featuring washed up players from their school like Chris Leak and other various rejects? Yes, yes they do:

The League desires to have many players who are remembered and loved by the fans at the particular school/region, but it’s not a requirement that a player must have played for the university hosting a League team.

Well hot diggity damn, I can't see how this could fail! Yet somehow my gut doesn't agree with me. After all, I had enough of the Reggie Ball era, I really don't need to see more of it.

If you've got a four year college degree - which I'm assuming about 15% of you have - and you've got some free time, you should try out at Ford Field. Also if you want to put your name down to try out for the league at some other future date, you can do so here.

Godspeed gentlemen. I give this experiment, oh, one year. Max.

-WCK