Soccer players are calm, collected people

I don't really like soccer much at all. Too little action combined with not enough scoring. But what I do love is how the sport turns fans, players, and referees into psychotic, violent lunatics.

Today's example comes courtesy of Kuala Lumpur, where rioting semi-pro players and a gun were involved in some hijinks. Awesome.

It seems that after a ref gave a player at a local soccer match a red card, all hell broke loose, with a number of players taking umbrage with the call. The ref, in an attempt to alleviate the tense situation, ran to his car to grab a gun. Of course. He proceeded to fire off a number of warning shots to stop the rioting players.

And to top it all off, the ref was a police officer. Uh oh.

"We are investigating as to whether the policeman was justified in taking out his firearm and discharging it, and also why he had it with him during the match," said Hussin Ismail, police chief in the southern Johor state.

Wait, so it's not ok for a cop to grab his piece and fire away when confronted by angry soccer players? I would have thought grabbing a gat was par for the course, rather than any kind of punishable offense.

Anyway, the cop was taken into custody for suspected misuse of firearms, while five players are also being held for questioning and could be charged with rioting.

This incident obviously raises a serious question, which is: Can only 5 people constitute a riot? I'd say no, but I'm not exactly experienced in the rioting department.

-WCK

West Ham Christmas party pictures

As With Leather informed me of last week, EPL teams apparently have Christmas parties every year. Normally, guys dress up for these things in a style sort of similar to baseball's rookie hazing week. Anyway, here are some pictures of the costumes worn at the West Ham party (theme: sports). I take it the party went well, mainly because no players are currently being accused of rape.

Lee Bowyer trying to hang himself

Freddy Ljungberg as, um, a blind samurai?


Hogan Ephraim as one of the Glasgow Diamonds


James Collins as Sharapova

And just because I can, here's a picture of Peter Crouch from last year's Liverpool Christmas party.


Mo' pics for yer viewing pleasure at The Sun and Chicken Dinner.

-WCK

England's likely new coach is sort of a fascist

I really shouldn't be writing so many soccer stories this week, but as they say, when it rains, it pours. And man is it pouring ridiculous soccer stories this week.

As international soccer fans already know, England failed to qualify for Euro 2008. That doesn't mean much to us here, but it means a hell of a lot over there. So of course a new coach is in order.

Well, the main target of England's attraction is Fabio Capello, the former Juventus and Real Madrid coach. Nothing wrong with that, except that Capello has a somewhat ultra-right, fascist slant to his political beliefs.

Last year, when Capello headed off for his second tour of duty with Real Madrid, he told the Italian paper Republica: "Spain in two words? Latin warmth and creativity regulated by a rigorous order. The order which comes from Franco."

When reminded that Franco was a dictator, Capello replied: "But he left a legacy of order. In Spain everything works well, there is education, cleanliness, respect. We should follow their example."

Capello may have forgotten that both Mussolini and Hitler sent troops, aircrafts, tanks, and other weapons in support of Franco during the Spanish Civil War. The end result of said war was that Franco wiped out approximately 200,000 of his enemies and established a dictatorship for nearly 40 years under which he subjected his democratic and leftist enemies to forced labor camps, mass exile, prisons, torture and executions.

Capello has also admitted to veering to the far right in his voting in Italy. He began to follow politics in 1968 and after starting off voting for the Italian socialist party, he drifted further to the right, eventually switching to extreme right parties Lega Nord and Forza Italia.

Anti-racism groups have accused Lega Nord of "openly embracing racist and fascist" attitudes. And both Spanish and Italian papers have taken shots at Capello calling him a fascist sympathizer.

What makes Capello's political beliefs even more strange is that his father spent time in a Nazi concentration camp.

Capello of course tried to backtrack on his statements, claiming he didn't believe in totalitarianism. But his voting record, and his less-than-intelligent spoken words, still linger.

The fact of the matter is that for most Europeans facism still stings deeply, since a number of countries were under fascist control during WWII. And some, like Spain, for a much longer period of time.

Yet at the same time, England appears ready to make this guy their national team coach before Christmas.

I'm not sure what the American equivalent of this would be. I think, and I'm being serious here, that if U.S. Basketball Team coach Mike Krzyzewski said he really liked the way Stalin got things done that would be about the same.

And I assume we'd all think long and hard about whether we'd still want him to be our country's head coach.

-WCK

Muhammad does not approve of your soccer jersey

Just when you think the world couldn't get any more ridiculous than it already is, something like this pops up.

It seems a Turkish lawyer just filed a complaint with UEFA, the European football federation, in response to Italian club Inter Milan having worn a jersey with a symbol of a cross on it during a November game against the Turkish team Fenerbahçe.

Personally, I think the lawyer's just pissed that Fenerbahçe got trounced 3-0, because he wants UEFA to cancel the three points earned by Inter Milan for the victory.

But the lawyer has also asked a Turkish tribunal to sanction Inter Milan for wearing the shirts which he says reminded Turks of an emblem of the Christian order of the Knights Templar. Asking a Turkish tribunal to sanction the team seems kind of odd considering Inter Milan decided not to wear the controversial shirt during the first matchup of the teams in Istanbul. They instead wore the jersey at home, in Italy.

Obviously Muslims have some issue with the jersey, since the symbol on it is closely tied to the Crusades of the Middle Ages.

But, guess what...most African and Arab teams, including Turkey, display the Muslim symbol - a crescent moon and a star - on their jerseys. Haven't heard anyone up in arms about that yet.

So, in other words, the moral of the story here is, uh, complain about other religions that do the exact same thing that you do. But proclaim that your religion is correct because you worship the right God.

Yes, that'll solve everything.

-WCK

It could always be worse than the Knicks

One of the things that's admittedly hilarious about American sports is that we think we know what's a truly horrible team situation. Like the Knicks. They have a terrible owner, a terrible coach, a crazy point guard, no cap space until 2087, and they had to pay a woman employee more than $11 million because of a sexual harrassment lawsuit invloving the crappy coach. And to top it all off, the owner says the coach's job is totally safe.

All of those examples scream that the Knicks are a team is in disarray. Well, sort of.

Let's go somewhere else - like Serbia for instance - where team disarray is a bit different.

Last Friday, four high-ranking team officials of the soccer club Red Star Belgrade (which sounds more like a guerilla movement than a team), were detained by authorities. And as of Sunday, they've all been sentenced to 30 days in jail - and could go away for much longer than that. So why were they detained? Well, they failed to stop a riot that left a police officer nearly dead.

During the first weekend of December at a league match at Red Star's stadium, the fans attacked a plainclothes policeman trying to film them in the stands. The policeman fired shots in the air to keep the attackers at bay, but it didn't quite work. Several fans were arrested after beating up the cop, including one charged with attempted manslaughter.

But here's the important thing to remember. This happened right in the middle of the game, and to top it all off, Red Star Belgrade is accused of letting fans bring flares into the game, which were used during the attack. But since fan violence is frequent at Serbian stadiums, Red Star Belgrade said forget about it, and just decided to keep playing while the cop was being beaten up and flares were going off. Fantastic, where I can get tickets to the next game?

Since Red Star Belgrade actually allowed fans to bring in illegal flares, and a policeman got the business, the police were naturally a tad upset when everything was over. In fact, this situation is the first time team officials have ever been detained in Serbia as a result of fan violence.

But why in God's name would Red Star Belgrade allow fans to bring flares into the stadium? Good question. And here's the answer.

The pro-government Politika daily newspaper said the riots were inspired by Red Star officials to sidetrack a police investigation into their alleged links with organized crime and murky deals in the sale of at least 15 Red Star players to foreign teams.

Well, of course. What else were they going to do? Offer free bobble-head dolls to fans? Actually tell police the truth? Please.

So in other words, the next time you're at a Knicks game, remember it could be much worse. You could have Isiah arrested at mid-court and have a flare stuck in your ear while Nate Robinson bricks another dunk.

-WCK

Italian soccer is still hilariously violent

What's there not to like about Italian soccer? It has insanely violent fans, it's rife with corruption, and it's filled with players who'll take a dive if a soft breeze rolls through the stadium. It's truly awesome - except for that soccer part, of course.

And now this.

Well-known Italian soccer player Pasquale Foggia is being accused of having ordered an attack on his own teammate. And to top it all off, the attacker may have been part of the local mafia.

David Marchini, who is the teammate who was attacked, just had his lawyer go public and tell Gazzetta dello Sport, that "Marchini and Foggia's troubles started with a training ground incident on October 24."

Apparently, the two exchanged insults, with Foggia saying, "Let's see what happens on Monday."

The following Monday, Marchini was at a cafe with striker Robert Acquafresca when Foggia came in and asked to sit at their table. Marchini refused, so Foggia left. But in came a guy with a thick Neapolitan accent, who sat down next to Marchini.

He asked why Marchini had fought with Foggia in training. Marchini got up to leave, but the guy did what any local mafia strongman would do. He punched Marchini in the nose.

Marchini managed to escape, all while the dude was swinging a chair at him. I'm sure the next team practice was great. Nothing brings teammates together like attempted hits on each other.

Maybe A-Rod should learn from this, and have some local NYC thugs rough up Jeter a bit. Jeter certainly deserves it for his hideous postseason performance last year. And for having once dated Mariah Carey.

-WCK

WAG your way into being a gold-digger

I've always found it interesting that here in the US, we don't really focus too much on athletes' wives and girlfriends. Sure, there's the occasional Kelli Croyle, Gisele, or Mrs. A-Rod, but for the most part, we leave them alone.

In Britain, however, WAGS are not only celebrities, they go out of their way to let you know how awesome they are for dating soccer players, even though they have no real discernable talents (or any that I can write here in good taste).

But I guess sometimes they get restless. Three WAGS decided to get their butts off their diamond-encrusted couches and create a video that teaches women how to be as vacant as they are. I'm sure this will be a huge hit, and sadly, I'm actually not being sarcastic. Here's a tag from the ad for the video.

WAGS Workout is the must have accessory for all girls wanting to achieve the look and style of a WAG - and who knows, they may even bag themselves a footballer in the process!

I'm not sure this video marks the end of civilization as we know it, but you can certainly see it from here. Anyway, it features classy Nicola T, who apparently gave her former football boyfriend Bobby Zamora a framed picture of her naked knockers that he kept above his bed, Lisa Mundy, who's dating some other soccer guy, and Melissa Johnson, who's married to some other soccer guy I could care less about.

So listen up ladies. Let the pros teach you how to be a full-time gold digger.

HT: WAGS Blog and Chicken Dinner.

-WCK

Don't allow soccer players to make music videos

This acid trip of a music video comes from 1991, and it featured two well known international soccer stars. Mullet rocking Englishman Chris Waddle and Frenchman Basile Boli. It's some kind of hideous simultaneous English/French pop-rap that somehow didn't singlehandedly destroy both of their careers. It is the worst music video - by athletes or musicians - that I've ever seen in my life, and I'm not kidding.

HT across the pond to Chicken Dinner

-WCK

This is why we think soccer players aren't tough

This is DC United player Luciano Emilio, who is also the 2007 MLS MVP, singing James Blunt's "You're Beautiful." Considering English isn't Luciano's first language, he does a somewhat decent job. But, honestly, is it any wonder why Americans think soccer isn't a tough sport? Oh well, at least Luciano has better taste in music than Carson Palmer. Maybe.

HT: BobbyBoswell.com

-WCK

Burning More Bridges than A-Rod

In an attempt to broaden our horizons, we're adding some more soccer news. Well, I'm not. But a friend of ours who is obviously a communist because he likes soccer, is. So here's your soccer fix, you wankers. -WCK

In the world of futbol, Chelsea soccer star Andriy Shevchenko is a true villain. His notorious ego collides with every manager he has ever played for, opposing fans despise him, and even his own fans get tired of his nonsense. The latest and greatest with Andriy is his ongoing contract disputes with Chelsea’s front office. The guy was paid £31m to produce and the striker has scored less than that autistic kid who went to your high school. How have Chelsea fans responded to such shenanigans? Not well, however here’s the kicker: even toddlers hate Shevchenko. A British web site snagged an interesting story off of a Chelsea fan forum page. Here it is, misspellings and all:

"Fella I work with takes his ten year old down the bridge as much as he can afford, the boy is absolutely obssessed by his heros. His Dad's mate who works in lighting has been working at the bridge, tells my work pal to bring something down hand it over and get the squad to sign it. The Dad sneaks the boys Chelsea annual out, some kind of book with a bio a page on each player. His mate returned it to him yesterday. Told him EVERY squad member in the book that was there signed it on their bio page except for Schevchenko. My work pal says miserable cunt why didn't he sign it? The geezer opens the book and his son had writen WANKER in large letters across his photo, Scheva was not amused when he went to sign it."

Moral of the story….Working class Chelsea fans may be dumb (and horrible spellers), but they know a wanker when they see one.

-ACE

How to become an accidental sex offender

Soccer is bigger in California than most people realize. People can play it here year-round and a lot of the leagues are super intense. Naturally when you combine that high-pressued atmosphere with psychotic fans and coaches, you get a truly awesome mix.

Anyway, over the weekend not far from us one coach went a little overboard. The male coach of a Petaluma-based under 16 girls team was suspended from the league for keeping it a little bit too real.

Witnesses reported that the coach went to the center of the field after the game and exposed himself to the opposing team. Thankfully it was just his ass. At least, I hope that's all that was exposed.

Perhaps even worse than the fact that the guy has been permanently suspended from the league is that police say they are asking prosecutors to file indecent exposure charges against the coach. I think the real travesty here is that the girls will no longer have a coach who will go the extra mile for the team.

-WCK

Pete Rose needs to move to Europe

I'm not quite sure how concerned Europeans are with their athletes using insider information for gambling purposes. But I guess they're a little more cool with it than people here in the States are.

That's because Bolton Wanderers goalkeeper Jussi Jaaskelainen of the EPL supposedly bet money on who his new head coach would be. Not so surprisingly he got it right and won some money. Also not surprising is that it's somewhat sketchy how he picked the right guy.

A little over a week ago, Bolton coach Sammy Lee left after a horrible start to the season. There were obviously questions about who would replace him - along with betting odds on who it would be. One person that wasn't really a popular choice with fans to replace Lee was Gary Megson. Megson was ultimately given 3-1 odds to become Bolton's new coach but wasn't even close to being the favorite.

Despite those odds, and fan hatred, Jaaskelainen supposedly put down £100 a day for 10 days on Megson to become his new head coach. Jaaskelainen also revealed he and his teammates had discussed the managerial speculation that had surrounded the club since Lee's departure.

Megson was named the head coach yesterday. So when it was all said and done, Jaaskelainen won around £3,000, which I realize isn't much for a pro soccer player. Even better is that there are already odds on whether Megson will make it through this season. Hopefully Jaaskelainen doesn't bet on that.

But I can't be the only one that finds it bizarre that athletes can bet on stuff like this when they're pretty likely to have insider information about it. Looks like Pete Rose should start getting involved in soccer.

-WCK

I wonder if the Rockies were forced to do this last night

Those of you familiar with international soccer may have heard about the epic beatdown Arsenal gave Slavia Prague two nights ago in the Champion's League. 7-0. That's the equivalent of the Rockies losing 50-0.

Anyway, pictures leaked out after the game that showed Slavia Prague bending down in a line while facing the stands at the conclusion of the game. So what the hell were they doing?

They were reportedly apologizing to their fans, even though the game was being played in London. Man, to say people take soccer way too seriously outside of the U.S. would be a major understatement. Although I'm sure Dolphins fans would have appreciated a similar gesture from their squad this past Sunday.

Interestingly, Arsenal fans applauded the act by Slavia Prague. Although that might have been because they were thanking them for their awesomely poor performance against their hometown Gunners. Your guess is as good as mine.

Anyway, it was probably smart for Slavia Prague to beg their fans for forgiveness. After all, soccer fans sometimes do crazy things after their team loses a game. You know, like shoot a player.

-WCK

Chelsea's new manager has a psychotic wife

UPDATE: It seems the pro-Israel lobby has already pulled the video down off of YouTube and there are no other videos of it. So here's a picture instead. All I can say is it's pretty gross watching someone drink their own urine.
For those of you that follow the EPL, then you're well aware that The Special One recently left Chelsea. The new manager, Avram Grant, isn't anything like the megalomanical Mourinho, but his wife sure as hell is.

Grant's wife, Tzofit, has been such a publicity whore in her native Israel that she seriously rivals Paris Hilton. And now she's come to Stamford Bridge.

Here are just a few of the things she did on TV in Israel:

1. Knocked back a whisky tumbler of her own urine live on air to explore whether or not it had any health benefits. (You can see that in the video above - she's the blond one - along with a ton of other random shit)
2. She appeared with a sadomasochist, allowing herself to be spanked and then accepted his invitation to punch him hard in the face.
3. She sat with a male companion in a bath of spaghetti and tomato sauce while wearing a bathing suit, and they toasted each other with red wine.
4. She turned her hand unashamedly to doing raunchy live interviews in a show called Real Time, going to visit reserve soldiers in military outposts and allowing herself to be depicted taking communal showers with them, and even admiring 'girlie' magazines together.

And there's plenty more. Needless to say, she might just be using her husband to further her own career, whatever that is. Or she might just be completely insane. But whatever, she's certain to provide the British tabloids and soccer bloggers with a lot of bizarre stories. At least until another EPL hooker orgy goes south.

-WCK

You can change your name, but you still suck

It's well known that English soccer fans are a bit nuts. And this post will do nothing to change that. A group of perpetually horrible soccer players who play for the Lynam Athletic club in the Birmingham Coronation League Alliance Division 3 (translation: a pub league) have decided to try something interesting to change their fortunes since they were the worst team in the league last year. Here's what they did:

The team needed an inspirational way to strike fear into their opposition - so they ALL officially changed their names by deed poll (English term for changing one's name) to professional footballers for the start of this season. With Peter Cech in goal and a back four of Paulo Maldini, Cafu, John Terry and Fabio Cannavaro - their defence sounds like a force to be reckoned with. And the appetising prospects of a midfield of Steven Gerrard, Ronaldinho, Kaka and Christiano Ronaldo would have any manager licking his lips. Thierry Henry and Ruud van Nistelrooy make up the front line but unfortunately, all are merely a bunch of IT workers from the West Midlands.

That means Ronaldinho no longer looks like a horse, but instead a pasty fat white guy with a beer gut. While the new Ronaldinho doesn't have anywhere near the soccer skills of his original namesake, he at least can give the name a slight upgrade in the looks department.

Now the only tough part is getting Henry and Nistelrooy to quit smoking.

Hey, at least they didn't name themselves this.

-WCK

One cheeky ball boy

This video clip is only a day old, but has already had in the range of half a million hits. I realize it's soccer, but I'm always up for seeing an English ballboy absolutely humiliate an Italian player.

-WCK

The English like Johnny Cash for some reason

England's soccer fans are world renowned for their chants. They're everything from dirty, to humorous, to nationalistic, to downright racist. Regardless, they're always interesting.

Here's a few lines from Arsenal's current team chant.

Who's that team they call the Arsenal? Who's that team we all adore? They're the boys in red and white, And we're fucking dynomite, 'cos Georgy Grahams mother is a whooore, yeah she's a whore, yeah shes a whooore

But on Saturday, when the English national team mopped the pitch with Israel, beating them 3-0, English fans were continuously singing a different chant. And that chant was Johnny Cash's famous song, "Ring of Fire."

“I fell in to a burning ring of fire I went down,down,down and the flames went higher. And it burns,burns,burns the ring of fire the ring of fire.”

I'm not sure why England fans would be singing this song - but something about this is just weird. Johnny Cash never seemed like the kind of music soccer hooligans would listen to. If anyone knows why they were singing this, because we know next to nothing about soccer, feel free to let us know.

-WCK

Frank Lampard's contract demands (if true) are insane and awesome

Those of you familiar with the EPL and Chelsea probably know that star Frank Lampard has had some trouble agreeing to a new contract.

And while this is almost undoubtedly satire, it's pretty good.

We may now know why they're having trouble agreeing on a contract. The UK web site Chicken Dinner - which despite it's name is a sports news and gossip site - somehow managed to get their hands on Lampard's contract demands. We've done our best to try and determine if they're real, with no luck. The story has at least appeared on The Guardian newspaper's blog, which seems to think the demands might be true - which means nothing of course - given Lampard's prima donna attitude. It'd be fun if the demands are true, because they are AWESOME.

Let's look at some of the more fun demands:

Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry. In addition: The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry.

Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry.

Upon scoring a goal, Mr. Lampard is to be unmolested by fellow players for at least five ("5") seconds, in order to perform a celebration as he deems appropriate. When the rest of the team then embraces him, they may not touch him below the waist.

Mr. Lampard is to be provided with a separate dressing and changing area both at Stamford Bridge and away grounds, of four-star hotel quality or better. The lavatory seat is to be new and sealed.

Mr. Lampard's dressing room is to be painted white or off-white and decorated with two ("2") vases of white lilies and a baby grand paino (white or off-white).

Thank goodness he'll accept an off-white baby grand piano. White can be awful hard to find.

By the way - I really, really should have kept playing soccer.

Again, this is probably all be made up, which is more than possible knowing the cheeky British press and psychotic fans. But who knows, I mean the Galaxy did sign Beckham to a $250 million contract full of bizarre stuff.

Anyway here are the full two pages of Lampard's demands from the potential "contract." Just click on them to blow them up.



-WCK

Good lord, a player gets his own TV channel

The Global Icon must be pissed he wasn't the first athlete to do this.

Humorless Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard has just gotten his own cellphone TV channel through mobile operator Orange. The idea behind this travesty is to get more people watching TV on their cellphones, and also to create an astonishing increase in traffic accidents. Two excellent goals.

So what's going to be airing on this channel? Hopefully epic soccer games, hot soccer groupies, crazy fans, and barroom fisticuffs - all narrated by Lampard.

It will include Frank's own video diaries filmed in the last two seasons at Stamford Bridge, Chelsea's training ground and Frank's house. There's also guest interviews with his dad, his cousin, and a rugby player. Oh, and you'll get to see Frank's pets.

Well thank God I at least get to see his pets. But overall, I'm pretty disappointed. I was hoping to see Lampard make it rain on my cellphone TV. But I'm not so sure they even know what that is over in England.

-WCK

You too can own a soccer clubhouse cancer

Soccer. A sport with intensely loyal fans that will do quite literally anything to get even with the players they despise. Today's soccer revenge comes courtesy of Ebay, where someone decided to put former Tottenham Hotspur player Hossam Ghaly up for bidding.

Ghaly wasn't well liked while playing with Tottenham, and was set to be transferred to Birmingham, but things didn't go so well with that. He showed up a bit out of shape and had been with the club only four days, with his £3 million move from Tottenham still not finally sealed, and complained repeatedly about the training exercises he was being asked to do. On August 3rd, Birmingham announced they would not be completing the deal due to Ghaly's laziness, as well as his badmouthing of Birmingham's players.

Ghaly is currently going for £10,000,000. That seems a bit high even though he's listed as "hardly ever used."

Hey, this is fairly mild treatment compared to having a fan kill you.

-WCK