Those of you familiar with the EPL and Chelsea probably know that star Frank Lampard has had some trouble agreeing to a new contract.
And while this is almost undoubtedly satire, it's pretty good.
We may now know why they're having trouble agreeing on a contract. The UK web site Chicken Dinner - which despite it's name is a sports news and gossip site - somehow managed to get their hands on Lampard's contract demands. We've done our best to try and determine if they're real, with no luck. The story has at least appeared on The Guardian newspaper's blog, which seems to think the demands might be true - which means nothing of course - given Lampard's prima donna attitude. It'd be fun if the demands are true, because they are AWESOME.
Let's look at some of the more fun demands:
Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry. In addition: The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry.
Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry.
Upon scoring a goal, Mr. Lampard is to be unmolested by fellow players for at least five ("5") seconds, in order to perform a celebration as he deems appropriate. When the rest of the team then embraces him, they may not touch him below the waist.
Mr. Lampard is to be provided with a separate dressing and changing area both at Stamford Bridge and away grounds, of four-star hotel quality or better. The lavatory seat is to be new and sealed.
Mr. Lampard's dressing room is to be painted white or off-white and decorated with two ("2") vases of white lilies and a baby grand paino (white or off-white).
Thank goodness he'll accept an off-white baby grand piano. White can be awful hard to find.
By the way - I really, really should have kept playing soccer.
Again, this is probably all be made up, which is more than possible knowing the cheeky British press and psychotic fans. But who knows, I mean the Galaxy did sign Beckham to a $250 million contract full of bizarre stuff.
Anyway here are the full two pages of Lampard's demands from the potential "contract." Just click on them to blow them up.