Monday, September 24, 2007

You can change your name, but you still suck

It's well known that English soccer fans are a bit nuts. And this post will do nothing to change that. A group of perpetually horrible soccer players who play for the Lynam Athletic club in the Birmingham Coronation League Alliance Division 3 (translation: a pub league) have decided to try something interesting to change their fortunes since they were the worst team in the league last year. Here's what they did:

The team needed an inspirational way to strike fear into their opposition - so they ALL officially changed their names by deed poll (English term for changing one's name) to professional footballers for the start of this season. With Peter Cech in goal and a back four of Paulo Maldini, Cafu, John Terry and Fabio Cannavaro - their defence sounds like a force to be reckoned with. And the appetising prospects of a midfield of Steven Gerrard, Ronaldinho, Kaka and Christiano Ronaldo would have any manager licking his lips. Thierry Henry and Ruud van Nistelrooy make up the front line but unfortunately, all are merely a bunch of IT workers from the West Midlands.

That means Ronaldinho no longer looks like a horse, but instead a pasty fat white guy with a beer gut. While the new Ronaldinho doesn't have anywhere near the soccer skills of his original namesake, he at least can give the name a slight upgrade in the looks department.

Now the only tough part is getting Henry and Nistelrooy to quit smoking.

Hey, at least they didn't name themselves this.

-WCK

Monday commie links

On Friday we got some hits from a site that surprised the hell out of me. That site was ConservativeGrapevine.com. Naturally I assumed they were either bashing us for warping young kids' minds or they had linked our athletes with illegitimate kids post in order to rail on immoral athletes. But I was wrong, instead they linked our post on the top 25 Rickey Henderson stories. And put a weird family graphic beside the link. WTF? What in the hell does Rickey have to do with family values? The link is so out of place on the page there's literally no description for it except bizarre. What's even funnier is that our blog was linked on the site at all. I'm a commie, Dwyermaker is a committed anarchist, and both of us think Salty D is either a facist or a South American guerilla freedom fighter. And we all have family ties to the IRA.

Anyway, on to the links.

If you watched the Georgia/Alabama game like I did, then you heard Mike Patrick make the oddest remark maybe in announcing history. [The Blog of an African Nerd]

I missed this last week, but apparently Scottie Pippen's broke ass will be playing in Finland this year for less than 6 figures. Wow. [Say Hey]

This either the best jersey ever or the worst jersey ever. I say best. [Pop Jocks]

There are a few guys that are striking out at a record pace this year. Anyone care? [Ump Bump]

Getting rid of the knee brace is what freed McNabb. [NOIS]

Is 0-8 really a possibility for Notre Dame? Yes sir. [Larry Brown Sports]

People are sleeping on Ohio State. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]

Mark Buehrle bags himself a bear. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

MBSR always does what can only be described as unique live blogs. [My Brain Says Rage]

-WCK

Monkey got mad hops


Yes, I know we're YouTube heavy today, but what do you want us to do? Write some long ass piece on the intricacies of the Colts win over the Texans? Hell no. You want monkeys dunking. And we have that for you.

-WCK

Real Life Donkey Kong


This video really needs no explanation. It's Donkey Kong brought to life. Complete with bleeped out swears!

-WCK

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sign this kid to a contract pronto



I know a bunch of you are ready for today's NFL action. As am I. But I'm always on the lookout for new talent, trying to find tomorrow's stars today. And this kid has it. Sheer raw power and the ability to kill anything in his path. Of course it helps when anything in his path happens to be a much smaller kid with a towel over his head who's standing prone, but I like what this fat kid brings. A sheer disregard for human life. He's like a young Ray Lewis.

-WCK

What we learned from Saturday's college football action

Another good Saturday of college football, with of course those bizarre Thursday and Friday games thrown in as well. Rather than goof around, might as well just get into what we learned from the games.

1. LSU has a weakness, and his name is Matt Flynn. It may sound weird, but it's true. LSU's offense looked stagnant at times and watching Flynn for the second time in a complete game I wasn't real impressed. He's slow and not particularly accurate. Yes I know he has a bad ankle, but he's not suddenly going to transform into Vince Young, plus his lack of passing accuracy has nothing to do with his damn ankle. Also, anyone who watched this game from start to finish knows this game was closer than the score indicated. Plus, in the third quarter Flynn threw a duck into the middle of the field that Emanuel Cook dropped that would have been an automatic TD, and would have made the score 21-14. Instead there was the punt, and Spurrier going for it on 4th down (a call I totally agreed with) and then LSU going up 28-7. Flynn did run the best play in college football so far this year, with that blind over the shoulder flip to the kicker, but he's really this team's Achilles heel. The announcers for the game even talked about if Flynn was capable of winning a game for LSU if need be - and they weren't sure he could do it. If LSU loses a game this year, and I now really think they will, it'll be because of Flynn - without question.

2. USC is clearly the best team in football. They have no weaknesses whatsoever. The one question about this team was Booty. Forget it. Booty let it fly tonight and was unreal with the exception of one INT. The simple truth is this. USC's defense is unreal. Their O-line is the best in college football and they have a backfield that's like something out of a fantasy league on steroids. Their QB can win games for them and they collectively know how to win and play in big games - both home and away. They are simply awesome to watch play. In reality, their only weakness may be themselves. As an announcer said during their game against Wash St., the only thing that will stop USC is if they lose their focus. And I agree. But the danger for opponents is this. USC let its guard down twice last year, and they should have won both those games. I seriously doubt they'll let that happen again. If this team stays focused, they should beat every team they play by a decent margin, including LSU, Florida, Oklahoma, Cal, and the Philadelphia Eagles. That said, the one game to keep your eye on is the USC/Cal game. Cal has consistently played USC close these past few years.

3. The Irish have had their worst start in their 119 year history. I know you know that, but I just enjoy writing it.

4. Michigan is back, sort of. I'm sure you all noticed Michigan came alive on the same day that Appalachian St. lost for the first time in like 8 years. Karma? Coincidence? I don't know. But Michigan managed to get those two bad losses out of their heads and they're now starting to do some serious work in the Big-10. Which is clearly an overrated conference by the way. I think Michigan will get absolutely crushed by Ohio St., but it's good to see them back. Although they can't go to the national championship, they can win the Big-10, and they're playing like that's exactly what they plan on doing.

5. Unlike Salty D, I have nothing against the SEC. The SEC is the best conference in college. Ole Miss put up quite the fight against Florida proving again that the conference is stacked and there are no easy games. Any team that makes it through this conference undefeated should be playing in the national championship.

6. Oklahoma needs to play some real fucking team. They schedule cupcakes and play in a weak conference. Then they put up 80 points against Loserville University and bitch and moan that they aren't ranked higher. Fuck you. LSU and Florida are likely to have played 5 ranked teams by the end of the regular season. For USC it'll likely be 4. For Oklahoma it'll be one big game at Texas, and 2 bottom top-25 teams at home. That just isn't the same as what the other three teams have to go through. LSU and Florida have to play each other and USC plays at Cal, and already demolished Nebraska on the road. Oklahoma may be real good, but they should play more than just Texas every year to prove that. Otherwise, Oklahoma will be just like they were in 2004 - a smoke and mirrors team that gets seriously violated when invited to the national championship game.

7. Brian Brohm and Graham Harrell need some defensive help. How can two guys combined throw for 1,100 yards and both lose?! Harrell's stat line was insane - 45/65, 645 yds, 5 TD, 0 INT. And he fucking lost! Brohm didn't exactly have a bad day either, throwing for 555 yds and 4 TDs. I feel bad for Brohm, seeing as his Heisman hopes are shot due to a defense that's worse than the Bengals D on a bad day. But I really feel for Harrell. I mean, there's almost no way you can play better than he did today. Get that man some defensive help.

8. There is a God, because Nick Satan lost at home.

-WCK

The Navy Goat gonna knock you out


Is there anything better than a mascot lip synching the words to LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out"? Yes, have that said mascot recreate the video, do a little breakdance, and deck a few dudes in the process. Pure gold.

-WCK

Saturday, September 22, 2007

OJ gets axed from UFC fight

OJ's had a lot of trouble of late doing just about everything. And it seems just about no place wants him to be anywhere near their business. OJ not that long ago got thrown out of a steakhouse, which I guess makes a lot of sense considering no one wants him to have a knife in his hands.

But now he's also being denied access to UFC fights. According to multiple MMA web sites, OJ's entourage (he has an entourage?) asked for free tickets to UFC Fight Night at the Palms Casino in Vegas this past Wenesday.

And OJ got denied.

There's a question as to who actually denied him the tickets, the Palms or UFC, but either way that's awesome. The fact that OJ can't even get a ticket to what is the most violent mainstream sport going on right now just seems like poetic justice.

-WCK

One cheeky ball boy


This video clip is only a day old, but has already had in the range of half a million hits. I realize it's soccer, but I'm always up for seeing an English ballboy absolutely humiliate an Italian player.

-WCK

Friday, September 21, 2007

Taser week comes to a less than shocking close

It's been quite a week for taserings, and if you somehow thought "Maybe I can make it to the weekend before someone gets tasered again" then you thought wrong.

Junior linebacker Geno Hayes and senior fullback Joe Surratt of Florida State were arrested early Friday at a bar called Potbelly's near the campus. Police said Hayes had to be subdued with a Taser and Surratt struck a police officer. Both have been suspended.

Officers were on duty outside the bar looking for underage drinkers when they noticed a man later identified as Hayes screaming profanities and waving his arms, a police report said. When officers tried to talk to him, Hayes became aggressive.

Hayes was pulled away by his friends, but he resisted when officers then tried to handcuff him, leading an officer to stun him with his Taser, police said.

This isn't good news for Florida State, seeing as Hayes is the team's second leading tackler. But it's great news if you enjoy reading about people getting tasered.

Anyway, Hayes now joins the wonderful fraternal order of athletes who've been tasered. Some members include: former Vikings wideout Travis Taylor (nightclub incident), Dale Davis (hotel lobby freakout), hockey stars/goons Bob Probert and Rudy Poeschek (the latter for driving over lawns and mailboxes while his five-year-old daughter was in his car), Maurice Clarett (vodka induced rampage), DerMarr Johnson (for getting his mac on), fromer Bengal A.J. Nicholson (hiding in the bushes while drunk in college), Scott Olsen (drunk driving then fighting cops), and former Dolphin Fred Evans (had to be tasered TWICE, and still managed to bite a cop).

But that aside, it's good to see more athletes getting in on the recent Taser action, rather than just douchebag college kids and jackass rednecks. I was afraid point guard Levance Fields of Pitt was going to be the only athlete Tasered this week.

I'm not going to hit you with any of the Taser videos you're expecting. I'll just let you listen to this guy who advises you take an ass-whupping over the Taser.


-WCK

Bob Uecker - Future WWE Hall of Famer


I didn't know this, but apparently the WWE - formerly the WWF - actually has a Hall of Fame. Yes, that sounds ridiculous to me as well.

Anyway, there's a grueling induction process for getting in. Ok, I made that up, but some of the wrestlers up for induction next year include Rick Rude and Ted DiBiase. And also Bob Uecker. What?

Yes, Uecker used to be a WWE sideline reporter who would frequently get pummeled by pissed off wrestlers who displaced their anger on him. So in early celebration of what I'm sure will be the crowning moment of Uecker's career, here's a look back at Andre the Giant strangling Uecker as he attempts to find Vanna White for some reason.

-WCK

Friday links

It's a slow Friday. But that's ok, because a weekend of football is almost here.

On to the links.

SPORTSbyBROOKS has the story on the woman who invaded the sumo ring, and a great pic. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

NOIS takes on Notre Dame. [NOIS]

And the NFL. [NOIS]

A goodbye to RFK. [My Brain Says Rage]

Some background info on Erin Andrews. [Awful Announcing]

GoDaddy and Ocho Cinco, together at last. [Lion in Oil]

Dwayne Jarrett is not having the best of rookie seasons. [Rumors and Rants]

The guys help you get out of debt, through football betting of course. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]

-WCK

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