Agent Zero, still awesome

I'd like to thank both The WizzNutzz and the Fanhouse for getting this new Agent Zero mini-film up (You can see 3 others at WizzNutzz, but I think this is the best one). There's really no way to describe this ad. It's like Castaway meets Gilligan's Island meets the worst acid trip you've ever been on.

Bravo Agent Zero. Keep 'em coming.

-WCK

Wednesday links

Today is basically a Friday according to my schedule. Which means don't expect much for the next two days. I plan on spending them strung out on tryptophan and football.

On to the links.

Which sport has the toughest refs? Well, I know it's not soccer. [Food Court Lunch]

Charlie Weis is going back to the Patriots for advice. I expect Belichick to tell him to always go for it on 4th down, even when Notre Dame's up by 40. Which coincidentally will never happen. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

More Maui Invitational coverage - from Maui. [Rumors and Rants]

Jason Cambell, the future of the Redskins, cries. Uh oh. [Deuce of Davenport]

The Mavericks have some strange stuff for sale, like a one-day contract. [Uwe Blog]

Which college coaches are on the hot seat? Guess what, Saban's on the list. Awesome. [5 on Five]

Someone is not psyched about Kansas or Mizzou potentially making the National Championship. [Larry Brown Sports]

Can we get some consistency in the damn MLB MVP voting? [I'm Writing Sports]

-WCK

We interrupt this interview to make you play more football

This is Matt Stover getting interviewed about the Ravens "victory" at mid-field right after Dawson's end of regulation kick was called no good. I like how Stover seems to know exactly what's coming.

-WCK

Remembering horrible footwear

When you stop and think about it, shoe commercials are pretty decent these days. But that's mostly because the major shoe companies these days - Nike, Reebok and Converse - are all willing to shell out major cash to make the ads good. Well, there was once a time when there were more shoe companies than we have today. And the only way they could compete with the big guns was to make ridiculously stupid commercials. Yes, I'm talking about British Knights, LA Gear, and of course Keds. So let's take a look back at some memorably awful shoe ads from back in the day.


British Knights. Man, talk about classic. Remember how they had the "diamonds that bounce"? Uh, me neither. Anyway, here's what Urban Dictionary has to say about BKs: "BK's were not for the faint hearted - they sported massive decals, plastic add-ons and had tongues bigger than oven mitts. They were particularly popular with [basketballer]s, crip [gangbangers] and [homeboys]." I never do my cripin' without my BKs.



This is also for BKs, and it's a holiday commercial. It has a rapping knight, because nothing says Christmas like a rapping knight.



Now we're on to LA Gear. Man these shoes were horrible. I'm pretty sure the brainstorming session for this ad was - let's make a commercial that will seem hideously dated in about 4 months time. Mission accomplished LA Gear.



And if one LA Gear ad wasn't bad enough, here's former Laker girl Paula Abdul hawking them as well. (Shudder) You know Michael Jackson also did an LA Gear ad.



And last but not least, here's a commercial that should thoroughly warp your already beaten down mind. It's a 1950s Keds ad where a clown convinces kids that they'll run faster and win more if they wear Keds. Remember kids, you're a commie pinko if you don't wear Keds.

-WCK

Nick Saban one ups Kellen Winslow Jr.

Some individuals are born to lead men into combat. Like Dwight Eisenhower, Stormin Norman Shwartzkopf, and of course Kellen Winslow Jr. Remember, he's a soldier.

Now you can add General Nick Saban to that illustrious list. Tell the boys what they're fighting for and where that loss to UL-Monroe ranks in world history.

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference on Monday. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."

Ok, so let's get this straight. The three most catastrophic attacks on American soil have been:

1. 9/11
2. Pearl Harbor
3. UL-Monroe beating Alabama

Well, we needed something to fill the #3 spot, and lord knows the War of 1812 wasn't going to cut it. Although judging by the way Saban used "kind of" and "or whatever" to describe Pearl Harbor, perhaps we can move UL-Monroe beating Alabama up to #2.

I've never been more excited to see Alabama lose again. If they lose to Auburn this Saturday, maybe Saban can bring in some intergalactic struggle for his next press conference. The moon of Endor is counting on you General Saban.

-WCK

Tuesday links

Nothing beats fresh turkey. Except maybe the turkey I buy at the grocery store. It has fewer shotgun pellets in it.

On to the links.

Les Miles sure seems to be bent out of shape about not having been offered the Michigan job yet. Les, it's only been one day. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Liston gives us Tim Duncan's real wikipedia page. [Introducing Liston]

Russell Westbrook of UCLA has one awesome haircut. [Half Court Heave]

I always love this. The search terms for how people get to MBSR. [My Brain Says Rage]

There's one expensive baseball on eBay right now. [Deuce of Davenport]

And you can bid on the bug spray that killed Joba Chamberlain in the playoffs. [Lion in Oil]

Some insight into the Maui Invitational, from someone who's actually there. [Rumors and Rants]

Ahmad Rashad and the Pats punter sit down for a chat. [The Sports Hernia]

-WCK

It seems the Packers put a bounty on Purple Jesus

Some people have asked me, what exactly do you have against the Packers? Well, nothing really, until now.

NFL officials are investigating whether Green Bay Packers players placed bounties on Purple Jesus and the Carolina Panthers.

League rules prohibit teams and players "from offering or accepting bonuses to a player for his or his team's performance against a particular team, a particular opposing player or players, or a particular group of an opposing team."

League spokesman Greg Aiello confirmed the investigation Monday.

Apparently Packers defensive backs offered to pay the team's defensive linemen $500 each if they were able to hold Minnesota running back Adrian Peterson under 100 yards rushing two weeks ago. This is new to me, but I believe that's code for "take that guy out." Which is exactly what happened. Peterson wound up rushing for only 45 yards before being removed from the game after tearing his LCL in the third quarter.

The hit was legal, but it sure stinks to high heaven that the Packers had a bounty on Peterson and he gets injured in the same game.

Speaking of bounties, I'll give $500 to anyone who can keep football announcers from gushing over Favre after he throws another stupid interception.

"Look at how much fun he's having out there!"

Yeah, that pick was just what the Packers needed.

-WCK

This would make me want to see a Lady Vols game

I'm sure you've probably heard about how Tennessee would like to increase attendance at Lady Vols basketball games, and to accomplish that they're giving away free tuition to people who attend at least 10 of 14 home games.

Now, while you'd never even catch me dead on Tennessee's campus, let alone at a women's basketball game, I will say this. I'd theoretically consider attending a game if I was always gauranteed a halftime show that involved mascots playing basketball, which the Lady Vols did once last year. Watch out for that shake. He may look slow, but he owns the paint.

-WCK

Magically appearing toilets

This may be the greatest invention since sliced bread. The Jinan Environment Sanitation Science Research Centre is developing China’s first hidden public toilet just in time for the 2008 Olympic Games. Wait, what?

When the toilet is hidden from view only a sculpture located on top of it can be seen. These toilets will be installed on lawns beside the sidewalk along main streets and bus stops and will be operated by inserting a 1 yuan coin. One second there's a sculpture, the next second up pops the toilet out of the ground.

You've got to be kidding me. God bless you China. This is an awesome idea until someone winds up stuck underground after dropping a deuce and suffocates to death. Not the best way to go, no sir.

HT: Spluch

-WCK

Looks like you can't bring grenades to the Olympics

There's no question that safety at the Olympics is important. Atlanta made that very clear. But what's funny is that in our idiot-proof world, we feel the need to constantly alert people about everything, even obvious things that a half brain dead monkey could figure out. Well, China's now doing the same thing. In an effort to make the Olympic Games safe and idiot-proof, they've put up posters around China about what you can't bring to the Olympic Games. Let's see what made the list.


I'm glad China is against people bringing grenades and cell phones strapped with C-4 to the Games. Both could possibly cause some trouble. Although imagining who would accidentally strap C-4 to their cell phone is sort of hard to imagine.


Ah yes. Guns. Definitely should avoid bringing these to the Games. Not exactly sure how you'd take them away from someone who insists on having them though. Good luck indeed.


Guns for show, knives for a pro. Judging by this picture, it looks like only small knives are banned. Which means it should be totally cool for me to bring my trusty patriotic machete.


I think one of these is a taser, but the others I'm not so sure about. But they all look painful, which I'm sure means many Chinese are familiar with them.


And what's this? No gun powder and cocaine? And something which sort of looks like heroin. Man, what a downer. How in the hell am I going to make brown-brown now?


And just in case you want to look at everything, here you go. I don't see missile launchers and tanks on there, so I'm guessing you can probably bring those. Should be an awesome Olympics.

HT: Beijing Olympic Games 2008

-WCK

This is why we think soccer players aren't tough

This is DC United player Luciano Emilio, who is also the 2007 MLS MVP, singing James Blunt's "You're Beautiful." Considering English isn't Luciano's first language, he does a somewhat decent job. But, honestly, is it any wonder why Americans think soccer isn't a tough sport? Oh well, at least Luciano has better taste in music than Carson Palmer. Maybe.

HT: BobbyBoswell.com

-WCK

Monday links

All right, three day week. Or for me, a no-day week. But that's every week for me.

On to the links.

Reesing for Heisman! [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]

About 25% of Ole Miss's roster has gotten into legal trouble this year. Even the Bengals are impressed. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

Jerry Jones is looking into the Final Four being held at the Cowboys stadium in Arlington. Wait, what? There's no roof on that thing. [The Pig Pen]

Yes, you've probably seen it already, but it's Countdown's masterful piece on how Romo and Snoop are lost brothers. God this was terrible. [Awful Announcing]

God God there are some ugly people at Ohio State. And drunk too, but I think that's a requirement for attending the school. [Mr. Irrelevant]

Hey the Celtics lost. Guess we can stop the 82-0 talk now. Unfortunately that still won't stop Simmons from writing about them. [Yahoo! Sports]

-WCK