Kentucky's the Pits
Yes, it's not a typo, I'm in
Just as the folks from small towns like this have certain preconceived notions about the Big Apple and loud, arrogant, obnoxious, aggressive folks like myself, I've seen things on TV about how city boys and hillbillies don't exactly mix.
First of all, it's in a dry county. Why is there anywhere in
There are actually people who still sell moonshine in
How do I say this gracefully and without half of
The two best signs in
Then, I didn't see this sign but I heard about it, the local Wendy's originally had their big sign out front say, "Now hiring closers." However, the "c" in closers fell off so for a while Wendy's was "Now hiring losers."
Worst bar I've been to on the road: The Pub in
Are you kidding me? That's what the police spend their time on in this town? Are they chasing around bootleggers in old Studebakers? Can you imagine that?
Anyway, back to the waitress and her 11 p.m. cutoff. Last I checked I'm good for a little over a beer in a half hour. Last call? Fine, everyone in my party will have three drinks each and we'll have them polished off at 10:55. Guaranteed!
The waitress, bartender and manager all panicked over this idea as if Elliott Ness would raid the place at any minute. Come on people, we're all adults here. We're talking three lousy beers.
That wasn't the bad part, though. The manager, a total Doogie Howser-looking goober, walked over and the following is the actual conversation that ensued:
Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "I understand you ordered three rounds but we can't do that because all alcohol has to be finished by 11."
Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "That's OK buddy, we'll have them finished off for you, no problem."
Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "We can't do that, the police will take them out of your hands. I'm sorry."
Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "It's OK, I'm willing to do the time."
Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "Sorry, it's not going to happen. I can only give you one. We're only looking out for your best interests."
Are you kidding me? This is where I got a little... frustrated shall I say.
Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "Doogie, you want to protect my best interests, get me a **** 401K plan! Don't let me buy a dog from Bad Newz Kennels but don't tell me you're going to play drink police."
Goober Pyle, Manager Extraordinaire: "It's for your own safety, sir."
Aggressive New Yawka Glaze: "I'm so lucky to have a guardian angel like you at my side. Seriously, where were you when I fell out of that tree house when I was 8, or the time I got my *** choked out in the Octagon or the or the time I took a blow torch in high school and cut off the roof of my car so I could have a convertible. Thank you so much oh Hillbilly guardian."
Goober Pyle, Manger Extraordinaire: "(Blank look)"
The best part of it was we had to drive another 20 minutes to find another place to drink and the waitress from The Pub actually found us there and wanted to sit and drink with us. Let's get this straight, you refuse to serve us and then want to sit and have drinks with us? Aggressive New Yawka Glaze made that the most uncomfortable five minutes of conversation she's spent in a bar in a long, long time.
That night was the longest five years I've spent at one place in my life.