Friday, November 16, 2007

The Bay Area is officially in Sports Hell

With the Bonds indictment getting dropped on us yesterday, I think it's time that I admitted what I think everyone already knows. The Bay Area sports scene has reached its absolute nadir. We are officially the anti-Boston.

While Say Hey did a run down of a few of the miseries the Bay Area has gone through of late, it's actually much, much worse than that. We're even partly to blame for Simmons' ridiculous Patriots columns and an annoyingly undefeated Hawaii team. Here's the full rundown of the hell that the Bay Area finds itself in, and how it's even seeped into the overall sports conciousness.

1. Barry Bonds, who grew up in the Bay Area and is the greatest Giants player in history (yes, better than Mays), is indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice. Even though everyone out here knows Bonds did steroids, until Thursday we could at least say "Well, he wasn't charged with a federal crime." No longer. By the way, the Giants also finished the 2007 season dead last in the National League West (19 games out of first place) and are about to start a major rebuilding phase.

2. Alex Smith separates his shoulder early on in the 2007 NFL season. Since coming back to play he's been dreadful. Nolan said it was due to a lack of confidence. Smith said it was because he was still hurt, and threatend to shut himself down for the rest of the season in response to Nolan. Although they finally put their disagreement to rest yesterday, I'm not sure it matters. Both are horrible at their given professions.

3. Nolan's dad, who coached the 49ers for eight seasons from 1968 through 1975 and led them to three straight NFC West division titles, died this week. Bill Walsh also died in July.

4. The 49ers have lost their last 7 games.

5. As a commenter reminded me, the 49ers have to give up their 2008 first round draft pick to the Patriots.

6. The Golden State Warriors, who set the NBA on fire last season by beating Dallas in the first round of the playoffs, are the only winless team in the NBA with a record of 0-6.

7. The Raiders haven't won a game in more than a month. And they have a 12-year-old head coach and an animated corpse for an owner.

8. Almost half way through October, Cal is ranked #2 in the college polls. They proceed to drop 4 of their next 5 games, primarily because Nate Longshore is rushed back too soon after injuring his ankle against Oregon.

9. Stanford beats USC, which is arguably the biggest college football upset of the year. They proceed to drop 4 of their next 5 games to such stalwarts as TCU and Washington State.

10. Up by 14 points with less than 5 minutes to go, San Jose State collapses against Hawaii, and eventually loses in overtime. Forces entire nation to continue to acknowledge Hawaii as an unbeaten team, despite the fact that they aren't very good.

11. Oakland A's suck all year, finish one game ahead of the Rangers in the AL West standings. Don't seem to have much upside headed into 2008.

12. Just to really piss us off, home town boy Tom Brady - who attended the same high school as Bonds - is currently leading the New England Patriots to an undefeated season, which has caused Simmons to write some of his worst columns in years.

The only thing the Bay Area has going for it right now, literally, is the San Jose Sharks, who are currently ranked second in the Western Conference. Other than that, it's like a combination of Cleveland meets Buffalo here in the Bay Area.



Anonymous said...

I think that must have been an insult to Cleveland and Buffalo!

Bstone said...

...worst columns in months. Fixed.

Jack Gonzo, MD said...

Cleveland, sir, has had a phenomenal year...and it's about time.

Anonymous said...

Ummm... You forgot to add that the Patriots have the Niners' first round (potential top 5) draft pick.

Unknown said...

" currently leading the New England Patriots to an undefeated season, which has caused Simmons to write some of his worst columns in years."

Hear, hear. I've just about given up BS's BS. Where does he get off writing an entire column about the officiating being against the Pats during their WIN in Indy?!?

Anonymous said...

The Sharks aren't second in the Western Conference, the Colorado Avalanche are. Get your facts straight, the Bsy Area is only good in two things, Major League Soccer and Arena Football!

Anonymous said...

100% injury rate was the A's 2007-2008 motto.

Anonymous said...

Lot's of 49er crap, but how can you over-look the fact that as of 11/16/2007 the Raiders are a most un-commited to excellence 17-73 since the spirit crushing defeat in 2002 at the hands of Chucky and the 'Bucs.

Anonymous said...

Bill Simmons is indeed more insufferable than he has ever been, and he has usually been pretty unsufferable. Personally, I hope he gets leprosy.

Campbell said...

Hold the phone a moment there chief. I lived in the Bay Area a few years ago, and yes the sports scene does suck but there is one area of the country in even worse shape. Baltimore/D.C. The area I grew up in, the teams I grew up loving, are in even worse shape, and here is why.

Baltimore Orioles - Even if they have a fantastic year by anyone's standards they will probably end up no higher than third in their division. They always show flashes of playing well (anytime Bedard or Guthrie starts) and of playing awfully bad (anytime anyone else starts). Plus they have Miguel Tejada who is a whiny bitch.

Baltimore Ravens - I left town before this team even existed, but since they play in the area I will include them, and they suck. Steve McNair looks like he's fifty years old, Kyle Boller is who we thought he was, and the defense is aging and nowhere near the level it used to be. Plus they are coached by Brian Billick, a man so arrogant even Charlie Weis can't hold a candle.

Washington Redskins - Where to start. I grew up singing Hail to the Redskins, watching the Posse and Doug Williams Super Bowl heroics, so this one hits me the hardest. They are coached by an aged HoF coach that is seemingly out of his league, but they can't fire him (they can't can they?). The Quaterback is "a nice guy who is developing" if that's the best anyone can say about you, that's not the future franchise QB, a RB who always seems to disappear (though does dress up on occasion for some good laughs), two receivers might be as tall as Terrell Owens if one stood on the others shoulders. This along with an owner who seems to finally understand that the people he traded for in Madden '98 are not the people he should be throwing gobs of money at today.

Washington Nationals - They used to be the Expos.... the freakin Expos!

Washington Bullets - I cannot bring myself to call them the Wizards, I just can't. I feel like I should be playing Dungeons and Dragons if I do. They have the most outspoken, obnoxious, me-first player in the league (other than Kobe).

Washington Capitals - Last place in the very weak SE division. They have Ovechkin, but nothing else.

This is not to mention the University of Maryland digressing in both football and basketball in the last few years. So yea, I'd say they rival if not surpass the Bay Area in sports ineptitude.

Pacifist Viking said...

Hello from Minnesota.

100% Injury Rate said...

According to the conference point systems, The Sharks are in second. So my facts are straight according to this:

But I guess they've played more games. You know what, I could care less. It's hockey.

Anonymous said...


The Bay Area doesnt have an MLS team. The San Jose Earthquake moved to Houston, where they won the league last year and are in the final (on Saturday) again this year.

Anonymous said...

WTF. This is not what I expected to happen when I moved from Cleveland to the Bay Area 2 years ago. All Cleveland teams good but not good enough to win championships while bay area teams are becoming putrid. I may have to give up sports.

Anonymous said...

you forgot the fact that heisman hopeful dennis dixon is out for the rest of the year, he is from the bay(san leandro)

Anonymous said...

and gary payton is about to retire for sure...

Anonymous said...

All due respect to Bay area and Baltimore/DC area - but if any sports market is in hell tight now, I would argue it is Minnesota.

1. The most popular team in town (Vikings) are muddling through what will be a 5-11 season - our lone highlight (Adrian Peterson) was injured in a humiliating loss at Green Bay, rendering what is left of the team unwatchable. To make matters worse, the local media still keeps close tabs on former players (Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss) and keeps us all up-to-date on their exploits. Great to Moss be a cornerstone for a true "kick-ass" offense again...too bad it's in Boston.

2. The Twins are ready to let Torii Hunter go via free agency - I mean, who needs a Gold Glove center fielder that can hit for some power and is a great locker room guy? Oh, yeah - the White Sox, Rangers, etc. That's okay - we can still look forward to a big market team luring Johan Santana from us - maybe Boston?

3. The Minnesota Ex-Celtics, I mean Timberwolves - trading away Kevin Garnett for half the Celtics' roster...and to watch from afar what could have been if McHale & Co had surrounded KG with some talent...once again, Minnesota's loss is Boston's gain.

4. Minnesota Gophers college football - hell, I haven't got the energy to start in on what a disastrous season this was...

5. Minnesota Gophers college basketball - well we do have Tubby Smith...

And so sense on comparing which market is in worse shape - better to raise a pint and take comfort in knowing there are other long-suffering fans out there.

LD said...

it's the curse of Super Bowl 19 - the only Super Bowl in the Bay Area. Look at what happened to the two participants.

Michael said...

Please! You think the Bay area has it rough? How about Seattle? They haven't won a major title in a men's sport since 1979. Since then, the Bay area has 5 49er Superbowls, 2 Raider Superbowls, the Giants have 2 NL pennants, and the A's won 3 pennants and a World Series.

Seattle has the '79 Sonics, and they won't even PLAY in Seattle next year. The football team has 1 Superbowl appearance, and the Mariners have never won a pennant.

Michael said...

...Oh yeah, and Seattle doesn't have an NHL or MLS team.

LD said...

They'll have an MLS team in 2 years. But 1979 is nothing compared to Cleveland's title drought. They had a move made about how crappy their baseball team was.

Anonymous said...

Bill Simmons is my hero. Seeing a new article is better then Christmas for me. You guys are jsut haters.

Unknown said...

If you're from the Bay area or even No.Cal at all, the Patriots want you!

Tom Brady, Tedy Bruschi, Matt Gutierrez from Concord, Donte Stallworth from Sacramento, Logan Menkins from Catheys Valley, Ryan O'Callaghan from Susanville, even James Sanders from Central CA Porterville but most cheer for the Bay area in that area.

Also, he DID mention the first round pick going to the Patriots. So next time, READ before commenting.

Minnesota DOES suck!

Seattle? It was recently reported that Seattle has the most millionaires residing there in the entire US. So forgive me if I could care less. Drink another latte & count your IT money while jerking each other's blackberrys (spelled intentional that way).

Buffalo should be trumpted even further! They literally have nothing. The Bills? We all know their NFL exploits & disappointments. Their Buffalo NBA franchise LEFT. No baseball. MLS? Forget it. The Sabres? Who cares!

Damn you Conte! Damn you!

Anonymous said...

Yup the Bay Area really has it rough. Sure glad I'm safe here in Miami with the Dolphins, Heat, Marlins, Hurricanes and Panthers.

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