As the race for the 2008 presidential election is beginning to sort of heat up, we thought back on all the times in recent memory we've heard jackass talking heads on radio and television tell us how "it's only a matter of time" before Tom Brady becomes President. When did everyone decide on this? Certainly there are former football players who went on to have political careers. Gerald Ford, Jack Kemp, Heath Shuler, Tom Osborne, and Steve Largent to name a few. Lynn Swann, you're total garbage.
But when did it become written in stone that Dreamboat was going to have his finger on the button when China invades Taiwan in 2041? Sure he's mentioned an interest in eventually going into politics, but that doesn't mean we should roll out the red carpet for him.
We decided we should do an investigation to determine whether or not Dreamboat actually has the potential to be the president of the US and A some day. We've created a scoring system from 1 to 100 points that grades Brady on everything he's done so far and how it could impact his future presidential chances. If it's something good for his future political chances, he gets points. If it's bad, we subtract points. Because Brady is already an extremely well known athlete and a partial celebrity, we'll start him at 75 points.
After we're done, Dreamboat will find himself in one of these categories.
90-100 points: This means he could very well find himself in a heated presidential debate someday discussing important topics. You know, like should we clone U.S. athletes to dominate the Olympics? (yes)
75-89 points: Likely will serve in the U.S. Senate at some point in time or be a potential candidate for Governor of a state.
70-74 points: Mayor of a large U.S. city.
60-69 points: Will be a U.S. Congressman.
50-59 points: Mayor of a reasonably large city.
40-49 points: Either a local city mayor or a sports announcer.
30-39 points: No hope for political future. Likely to be a GAP model, if GAP still exists.
10-29 points: Professional goat-holding model.
0-9 points: Goat farmer.
Ok then, let's start the fun.
Political allegiance: Two of us grew up where Brady did and went to a rival high school, meaning we know hardly any more about him than you do. It was suggested that when Brady attended the State of the Union address in 2004 that he might be a Republican. Good friends of Brady, however, say he is a moderate Democrat. Being a Democrat right now would help, but so what. Who knows if that'll help in 25 years. (+0)
Speaking of that State of the Union Address: He appeared at a Bush State of the Union address. No one wants to be seen at a Bush State of the Union address. (-5)
Model shoots: Appeared in a photo shoot with a goat. Not quite the same as Reagan appearing in a movie with a monkey. (-5)
Decision making ability: Has shown great decision making ability as a QB, which would likely carry over into politics. This should be a winning category for Brady. But he knocked boots with Tara Reid. No one who hooked up with Tara Reid should ever have his finger on the button. (-5)
Warren G. Harding factor: Malcolm Gladwell in Blink suggested that Harding was elected the 29th President of the U.S. primarily because he looked like a president. There's certainly reason to believe that, since Harding was incompetent before he became president and went down as one of the worst presidents in U.S. history. But whether Brady would be a good or bad president doesn't matter. There are more than enough stupid people in this country who would vote for Dreamboat simply because he looks like a president. (+15)
Shawn Kemp factor: Let's make this clear right away. As a politician, you can't have it be known that you have an illegitimate kid, period. You can have one (or more), just don't let anyone know about them. Ever. (-25)
Religion: This is actually important. Brady is Catholic. Although we may see an African-American or woman president elected in 2008, the fact remains that with the exception of JFK, every President in this country's history has been a male WASP. And if you think there's no way that someone would base their vote on a candidate's religion, look at Mitt Romney. He's Mormon. He's not winning. Enough said. (-5)
African-Americans: Brady has played in a league dominated by African Americans, the most loyal voting bloc in America. If he ran as a Democrat, the whole voting bloc would be his. If he ran as a Republican, he'd could at least say "I have black friends" and not be lying, unlike Lynn Swann. (+5)
Women: Think we all know the answer to this one, even though he knocked up Bridget. (+5)
Gay community: YES! Fabulous! He'd get more points if he were Brady Quinn. (+5)
Connecting with the average Joe: Dating a supermodel instantly loses you points in this category. Not many people out there can relate to Brady's life. Except me. (-5)
Foreign Policy: Went to Africa to fight poverty. Poverty still winning. (+1)
Public speaking: He's better than Bush. But then again, who isn't? (+5)
Ability to sell out: Politicians always have to sell out to someone to gain votes. This is why Peyton Manning would succeed in politics
Football is war: If Lt. Kellen Winslow Jr. is correct, and football really is war, then Brady would be a solid fit as Commander in Chief. I'm a soldier! (+5)
Politics as a bloodsport: Politics is brutal, and football is reasonably good preparation, since it taxes you mentally and physically. We'd also suggest Brady attend some of Ron Mexico's dog fights to toughen himself up even more. (+5)
Final Tally: I was hoping we'd get professional goat-holding model, but we didn't. The final total is 66 points, meaning Dreamboat should be able to pull a Heath Shuler if he chooses the right voting district. We'd probably suggest somewhere back in California, since Massachusetts may never get over the fact that Brady wore a Yankees cap.
The simple fact of the matter is that because he knocked Bridget up, and isn't going to marry her, his chance at President is completely shot. He may work his way up from Congressman (if he's very good) to Senator or Governor, but even that seems a bit of a stretch. I don't know anyone who ever won a Senate seat or a Governor's seat when it was openly known that they had an illegitimate kid. But you never know. If he runs in California pretty much anything can happen, as evidenced by the fact that we have the Terminator as our Governor.