With the NBA Finals about to start, the typical thing to do is make a prediction. Spurs in 6, Cavs in 7. Whatever.
Although we've done the same thing in the past, and actually did pretty well on at least one occasion, we decided to make our predictions a bit different this time. A bit off the beaten path. Who'll flop the most? Who'll complain the most? Junk like that.
These are the things, more than who wins the damn championship, that keep us watching. So with that, let's start the analysis.
Which player will flop the most?
This will be an excellent battle. We have two of the finest floppers in League playing in the Finals. Both Varejao and Ginobli are masters of the great craft that Vlade Divac turned into an art form some years ago. Even better, it's a trend now sweeping the nation. But back to the matchup. Varejao managed to get Antonio McDyess ejected in that crucial Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals and was probably the main reason Rasheed Wallace eventually exploded. But Manu is even better. He should have won an Oscar for flopping during a hip check from Derek Fisher that resulted in a T during Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals. Ginobli also managed to get St. Fisher ejected from that game later on. To single-handedly get Derek Fisher ejected from a game takes something special. You have to bury all your masculine pride and flop like a nerd about to get smacked, and Ginobli succeeds beautifully at that. Prediction: Ginobli
Who'll turn out to have a nickname worse than Daniel "Boobie" Gibson?
Hopefully no one. But you never know. We might find out that Tim Duncan was known as the "Rear Admiral" during all those years he played behind, I mean next to, David Robinson. Prediction: No one
How many times will we hear the announcers say "The Cavs were 2-0 against the Spurs in the regular season" even while the Spurs ploddingly dominate the series:
Ah yes, the favorite tactic of announcers as a series slips away. Bring out stats that don't really apply to the current situation and don't make much sense. Like, "Well Jim, they were undefeated in games following 50-point loses in the first half of the regular season." I believe this inane banter is enforced under penalty of death by Dictator Stern. Prediction: You'll hear this the whole series, even if the Cavs are down 0-3
Who'll have the most awkward victory party?
This is a real difficult one. Tony Parker sounds bad in French and I don't even speak French. Plus, French is about the least tough language in the world. So if he does this, then the Spurs will easily win. Or will they? LeBron has been known to get tooled in dance contests and dance like an idiot. I'm torn. At least no one will be this bad, we hope. Prediction: Toss-up
How bored will we all be with the series?
Well, I wouldn't skip out on the series to watch hockey, I'll tell you that. But that's not saying much. At least LeBron's in the Finals. And if he does this again, I'll certainly watch more games. But I have a feeling that after the first couple of games, thanks to Tim Duncan's grueling efficiency, I'll be comatose regardless of what LeBron does. Or watching SF Giants games, which is about equivalent to being comatose. Prediction: Likely to miss at least one game
Who will be upset if Robert Horry wins his 7th ring?
Everyone who is a living, breathing human being.
How many times will Eva Longoria be interviewed?
God, hopefully not many. I have a feeling she won't be interviewed quite as many times as she changes her wedding plans. But that regrettably means we will still see an awful lot of her. This could be counter-balanced with shots of Tony Parker wondering to himself why on earth he's marrying her. Prediction: 3 times.
Who will casual fans be drawn to?
Obviously casual fans will be fed a steady diet of LeBron. But you know Stern will force the announcers to push hard for Duncan as well. But after his 87th hook shot off the glass, I don't think anyone will give a shit how good he is anymore. Prediction: LeBron and Drew Gooden's hairstyle
Who'll find a way to comically kill his own team?
You mean aside from Larry Hughes, right? My guess is one of the coaches, which means I don't think I even have to answer this one. We all know Popovich is a great coach and ugly as sin. And we all know Mike Brown is an absolute idiot when it comes to clock management. He's the Andy Reid of basketball. He nearly lost Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals for the Cavs because of his bizarre timeout calls. I'm not even sure why he's a coach, and I'm not even trying to be funny. He's terrible. Prediction: Mike Brown
How many times will Bowen foul LeBron?
There is no simple answer to this question. But if we use the Spurs/Suns series as a reference, judging by how often Bowen fouled Nash, LeBron's in for, uh, a lot of fouls. LeBron might get a few more calls than Nash, because he's the Chosen One, but still. Bowen is like a bad case of herpes. He never really goes away. Let's just hope he doesn't do this to LeBron. Prediction: Infinite
How many times will Kobe interrupt the Finals demanding something?
Some people may think that Kobe will keep his mouth shut now that the Finals are going on. I doubt it. You've gotta believe that him seeing LeBron in the Finals is making him feel like a has-been. He'll probably demand a trade to the Raptors or commit a DUI with Jerry Buss just to steal the limelight for an evening. Or admit that he too likes "she-males." Prediction: At least once
Who'll complain the most?
This isn't a prediction, it's a fact. The Spurs.
And as for who'll win the whole thing, I'll let this guy answer that question. And just because we can here's a clip of David Robinson gettin' schooled.